


Gone, Gone, Gone

by Minutebyminute



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, M/M, Sad, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-10-31 20:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10907073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minutebyminute/pseuds/Minutebyminute
Summary: Isak has to fight a battle he never imagined, and Even falls apart trying to support him.(Bringing this back because of the huge amounts of requests)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Brought this back because of all you lovely people who sent me nice messages and comments and who told me you believed in me. I love you all <3
> 
> I never deleted my works for attention, but I have to say that there are so many nice people in this fandom and the support you all showed me after I took the works down was so encouraging that I ended up starting on a sequel to 'Love is a battlefield'. Thank you so much, this one's for you <3

JANUARY 2018  
  
  
Isak had gone to the doctor for a check up, just having some blood tests taken because he had been more tired than usual lately. Like, he could barely stay awake in class. And he had some back pain which didn't go away no matter what he did. He had actually been able to sleep every night since he and Even got together. So why he suddenly was tired all the time had to be because he lacked some vitamins or something. He slept eight or more hours every night. Back pain could be because of the awful bed he had. So he went in for a check up, talked with his doctor for a few minutes and they took some blood. Then he left, and he hadn't thought much about it until now.   
  
That was on Monday.  
  
He had just left his biology class, and standing by his locker he checked his phone. He had a missed call from his doctor, and a text, asking him to come in right away. Confused, he tried calling back instead. They usually just sent you the test results in the mail. And the doctor had told him it would probably be a week before he heard back.  
  
“Frogner Health office, how may I help you?” a friendly voice answered.  
  
“Hey. This is Isak Valtersen, you guys have called me? I was in class..”  
  
“Oh, hey Isak. The doctor need you to come in right away, please.” her voice sounded uneasy, like she was uncomfortable speaking too him.  
  
“Why? I have a couple more classes and have already been away a little too often..”  
  
“We will write your school a note, don’t worry about it. Just come in as fast as you can.”  
  
“Okey? Okey fine, I’ll come.” Isak said, hanging up. What the fuck was going on? Why did they ask him to come in right away, and why hadn't she said on the phone what it was about. His first thought was that it had something to do with his mother, since they had the same doctor, but they usually told him if that was the case. He just had to go in then, and figure it out. But he felt uneasy going in alone.  
  
He debated calling Even, asking him to go to the doctors office with him, when Jonas and Magnus approached him, looking worried. “Isak? Are you okay? You're really pale man.” Jonas’ voice was concerned.  
  
Isak realised he had been standing next to his locker and staring into it for probably a few minutes. He looked at his best friend and nodded slowly, before shaking his head. “No, I mean, I don’t know. Shit.” Isak bit his lip.

 

He closed his locker and took a sharp breath. Calling Even and making him leave his job in the middle of the day for something that probably was nothing sounded stupid when he thought about it. But he had a bad feeling and really wanted someone to come with him, just in case. 

 

“I just got a really weird call from my doctor and now I have to go in and…. can you please come with me?” He looked uneasy at both his friends, but his question was to Jonas. It was always Jonas he went to when things got hard. When his parents split up or every time his mother went of the rails. At least it used to be, before he had Even. Sometimes, when Even was having a rough time because of his own illness, Isak still went to Jonas for help. And Jonas was always willing to help him.   
  
“Of course I can.” Jonas said quickly, obviously not even thinking about it before he answered, and turned to Magnus and asked if he could tell the teacher where Isak and Jonas was. Magnus just nodded, before suddenly deciding to hug Isak. It was a Magnus kind of thing to do. “It’s probably nothing Isak. Don’t worry too much.”  
  
Isak welcomed the embrace, suddenly feeling the urge to cry. But that was stupid, he didn't even know what this was about yet. No reason to cry. He quickly blinked the tears away, scolding himself for acting like a child. They just wanted to talk to him. No reason to panic.  
  
After a quick goodbye Isak and Jonas walked in silence to the doctors office, neither knowing that their lives were about to change forever.  
  
——

 

They were in their third year now. Christmas was just over and this year he had celebrated with Even’s family. His mother had been committed to a psychiatric ward over the holidays, after going of her meds. And Isak was just so pissed at his father, he didn't wanna see him. Like, ever again. His father had just kept running away from his mother, even cheated on her a few times before the divorce was actually finalised. He had happily signed the papers to get Marianne committed to the psychiatric ward, claiming to Isak that it was ‘for her own good’.  
  
Celebrating with the Bech Næsheim family had been wonderful. For once Isak had a christmas without arguments at the dinner table, with people who actually noticed him and talked to him and cared for him. Yes he got presents as well, but it was the company he appreciated the most. Being acknowledged and appreciated and validated. And being with Even was always good. Even’s parents were so nice and comfortable about them being a couple, so Isak had been able to be himself and relax the entire holiday. They had even eaten dinner at Even’s grandparents house, and Even’s grandma had adored Isak.  
  
  
  
Being a third year at Nissen wasn't easy. Not only did he have to work hard to keep his grades at a decent level, he also had to work part time after school to earn money for their russebuss. He was going to be on a bus with Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi and 10 other guys in their class. He was really looking forward to that.  
  
Even had gotten a job working at a television company, nothing major, more like a internship. But he seemed happy with it so Isak was happy for him. He was going to apply to university in the fall, taking this gap year to work and wait for Isak so they could to university together. They made their days work, almost always spending the nights together, at Isak’s place or at the Bech Næsheim residence.   
  
Life is good, Even had said a few days earlier. Yeah, Isak thought. Life _was_ good.

 

——

 

Isak had told the receptionist he was there. She had given him a pitiful look and asked him to please sit down, so now he and Jonas was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the doctor to come get them. The boys didn't exchange a single word, but Jonas had put his hand on top of Isak’s for comfort, and Isak just allowed it. He wondered what this could be about. Maybe he had extreme low levels of something and needed a booster shot. Og maybe it was an STD. But neither of those sounded urgent enough for having to come in right away.  
  
They had been waiting for no more than five minutes when the doctor appeared. He looked almost as pitiful as the receptionist, but he gave Isak a smile at least. “Hello, Isak.” the doctor greeted him.  
  
Isak rose slowly to his feet, feeling Jonas doing the same thing next to him. Jonas slowly let Isak’s hand go and Isak suddenly found himself wishing Jonas would just hold on tight. “I.. I brought a friend, is it okay if he comes?”  
  
“Of course, of course. It’s good you brought a friend.” his doctor answered, still kind of smiling.  
  
Isak felt even more uncomfortable. If it was good that he brought a friend it must mean something actually was really wrong with him, right? Maybe he had a virus of some sort or something.  
  
The three of them walked into the doctors office, and after he had closed the door behind them they sat down in awkward silence. No one spoke for a minute or so. A very long minute.  
  
The doctor tapped a little on his computer, before turning to the two boys. “Right. So.” his doctor coughed a bit, then continued. “It’s no good way to say this Isak. When you were here a few days ago and took those blood tests, I made them check a few extra things and put a rush on the results. I had kind of a bad feeling about your symptoms.” Isak felt his heart sink and held his breath. The doctor removed his glasses and leaned forward. Jonas grabbed Isak’s hand again, preparing for what ever the doctor had to say.  
  
“Isak, you have cancer.”  
  
  
  
———-  
  
  
There was a party almost every Friday from now and until they graduated. Tonight it was going to be at Eva’s place. Everyone was going, Even was also coming. After leaving the doctor’s office, Jonas had taken Isak to get something to eat. They had just sat in silence, eating. It took nearly two hours before Isak broke down in tears. “I’m gonna die! I haven't even graduated, and I’m gonna die.” They were sitting on a bench and there were luckily very few people around. Jonas had just put his arms around Isak, held on tight and cried with him. Isak had no idea how long they had been crying, but the sun started to set and suddenly it was dark. Isak cried until there were no tears left.  


 

  
The doctor had explained all the details. About how the cancer type he had was called leukaemia, and that it was a blood cancer. About how they needed to start treatment right away, his first chemo was going to be Monday. In three days. About the chances he had at beating this thing. About how this was going to affect his life, his school. The doctor would call a meeting with the school to see if they could make come up with an arrangement so he could finish school. Isak had just nodded to everything. When the doctor asked if he lived at home, he just shook his head, leaving it to Jonas to explain why. His doctor informed that he needed to be living with adults who could take care of him, because he would probably become very sick from the chemo. Isak said he would talk with his older flatmates about this first, living with his dad was an absolute last way out. His doctor accepted this, but said Isak needed to figure this out before the appointment and bring an adult (despite Isak being 18 he still encouraged him to have an older adult to be kind of like a guardian) who was willing to take responsibility for him with him when he came in for chemo on Monday. The chemo wasn't at the doctor’s office but at Ullevål hospital. The doctor would meet him there. Oh, and Isak should probably stop referring to him at “the doctor”. They were gonna see each other a lot from now on. His name was Alexander Lunde. But he told Isak to call him Alex. It was probably to make the situation easier. It didn't work.

 

 

  
  
Isak finally pulled away from Jonas, asking weakly what time it was. Jonas checked his phone and answered that it was 18.30. The party at Eva’s started at 19.30, so they got off the bench and started walking.   
  
Stopping by Isak’s flat to leave their bags and for Jonas to borrow a shirt (Isak’s tears had drenched the one he wore), they agreed that no one would care if they were an hour or so late. Sitting on Isak’s bed, they heard Eskild and Linn bicker in the kitchen as they probably made dinner. Isak debated wether to tell Eskild right away or not. His plan was to ask Eskild to be his “guardian” or whatever his doctor (Alex!) had called it.   
  
“Are you gonna tell him now or?” Jonas asked, obviously careful to not push Isak. Isak appreciated that.   
  
“I.. No. I have to tell Even first” he said. It just fell out of him, probably because he knew deep down that Even was the most important person to tell and he had to know first. Well, he was going to be second, seeing as Jonas already knew.  
  
“I know.” Jonas had replied. He was so calm, and Isak loved him for it. In a purely platonic way of course. He had long since realised that his little crush on Jonas was only that, a crush. But Jonas was still his best friend, and probably the best friend anyone could have. “Have you called him? Maybe ask him to meet you here, so you don’t have to go to the party?”  
  
“Yeah, but his phone is of. He sent me a Facebook message a few hours ago, saying he forgot to charge his phone so he will just meet me at the party.” Isak took a deep breath and rose to his feet. “If we just go now and get really trashed, maybe I will forget the entire thing” he tried to joke, but got only a weak smile from Jonas.  
  
“Lets go then.”  
  
——-

 

Arriving at the party, he knew he had to just find Even right away, and tell him, before talking to anyone else or drinking anything. He hoped Even hadn't drunk too much already. The entire way over he had debated back and forth, wether he should tell Even at the party or wait until tomorrow. He realised this would only be worse the longer he waited. Unless Even was drunk that was. Then he would wait. He wished desperately that he had asked Even to come to the doctor’s office with him. He should have. They had promised to be there for each other through everything and anything.  
  
But it was too late for that now, the ship had sailed and so on. The important thing now was to find Even as fast as possible and tell him. He followed Jonas into the house and quickly removed his jacked and toed off his shoes. The house was pulsing with music and people and alcohol. He wondered how Eva dared to have another party here after what happened during the party at the start their second year.  
  
Jonas turned around to face him, stopping his train of thoughts. “You okay? We can just go home. I can go and find Even for you and we can leave” He suggested, but Isak just shook his head. If he just left now everyone would wonder why and he wasn't ready for explanations yet. He had to tell people in the right order. “Just let me know if you change your mind” Jonas smiled and squeezed his shoulder, before they started walking inside.  
  


 

  
_Come on baby we can hit the lights_  
Make the rooms go right  
We can smash the floor, make the pop go raw  
With a love this deep, we don’t need no sleep  
And it feels like we could do this all night  
We could do this all night  
Yeah everything is alright

 

 

 

  
Isak wanted to snort at this. Of all songs they could have played right now. Great.  
  
He couldn't find Even anywhere. Desperately, hoping Even had gotten hold of a changer, he tried calling but no reply. Shit. He was just about to go look outside when someone grabbed his shoulder and he turned around to face Eva. “Isak!” she said, clearly a little buzzed but not yet drunk.   
  
He let her give him a hug and tried to act happy. Too bad he was a crappy liar. “What’s wrong?” she asked instantly, knowing Isak all to well. They were still friends, more now than last year. She never held a grudge against what he had done when her and Jonas were together. She just kept saying that it wasn't Isak’s fault and that she and Jonas never were right for each other anyway. He wasn't sure if he believed that _she_ believed that, but he didn't voice that opinion. They hung out from time to time now, often watching movies at his or her place, Even and her girl crew often joining as well. Sometimes Chris too. Isak wasn't sure if he liked Chris or not. But that didn't really matter, he made Eva happy.  
  
Knowing he couldn't come up with a believable lie right now, and not wanting to lie to her, Isak just shook his head dismissively. “I’ll tell you soon I promise, but I need to find Even first. Have you seen him?” he silently begged she would just accept it. Just for now. He would tell her soon, maybe even tomorrow.  
  
Eva looked at him a few seconds, probably wanting to ask more questions, before accepting his promise to tell soon and pointing outside. “Magnus and Madhi took him outside for a joint I think” she bit her lip, looking guilty. “I know he shouldn't smoke, but he looked so happy when they asked you know.  
  
  
Isak didn't even bother to be upset about the joint, he just needed to find his boyfriend. Thanking her and promising again that he would tell her soon, he left to go out into the garden.  


 

 

  
Stepping outside he found the three boys sitting at a bench in the middle of the garden. Even looked as beautiful as ever, sitting on the bench with Magnus and Madhi beside him, clearly having a good time. The boys said something, laughing and Isak suddenly felt guilty for what he was about to do. He should have stayed home and waited until tomorrow, dealing with questions about not showing instead. Why had he come here? He should just go home, ask Jonas to tell Even to come see him tomorrow.   
  
Just as he was about to turn around and leave, Magnus saw him and called his name. “Isak!”  
  
Even immediately rose to his feet, passing the joint back to Madhi, walked quickly over to Isak and apologising for breaking the rules (No weed Even, it’s bad for you), smiling at Isak like he always did.  
  
Isak didn't care about the weed right now and waved away Even’s apology. “Can we talk?” he asked point blank, locking eyes with his boyfriend, searching his eyes to see how wasted he was. He looked a little buzzed but not enough to influence his thoughts and actions.   
  
Even stopped smiling immediately, realising that is was serious and not just about taking a few hits of a joint. “Of course, babe, what’s wrong?” The babe comment made tears press behind Isak’s eyelids again. Fuck, he had been crying for nearly an hour earlier, how could he have any tears left? “Isak, please, tell me what’s wrong.” Even sounded concerned now, worried. When he touched Isak’s arm, the tears just started flowing, but not as uncontrolled as earlier. Even responded by pulling him into his arms, embracing him in a hug.  
  
  
Isak never cried. Not in front of other people, and only once in front of Even before. By now Magnus and Madhi had gotten to their feet as well, the joint forgotten on the ground and they both laid a hand on Isak’s arm, each one just as concerned. Magnus a bit more than Madhi, because he knew about the doctor earlier. Isak meet his eyes, silently pleading him to not say anything. Magnus just nodded, grabbed Madhi and dragged him inside.  
  
Isak pulled himself together and managed to stop the tears. Just as Even was about to ask him again, he shook his head and tugged on Even’s arm. “Not here. We have to talk somewhere else.” Even just followed, letting Isak decide where they went. This wasn't the right place, with people cheering and music pulsing and lights flashing.  
  
They walked out of Eva’s garden and out into the street. They walked for a while, until Isak spotted a bench. Today was obviously the day for benches. Isak just sat down, and Even followed, sitting as close as he could. “Isak? You're really freaking me out here. Please.” Even’s eyes were panicked, and any hint of him being affected by the joint was gone. He was pure Even right now. The Even he knew and loved. The Even he sometimes had to take care of, but he didn't mind. Because he knew that Even would do anything for him, no matter what. He knew that high school romances rarely lasted, but he had a feeling that they were the exception. He really wished that they were.  
  
Isak took a deep breath, and begun telling Even about how he had been to the doctor a few days ago (Even knew that part) and how the doctor had asked him to come in today. He said he went with Jonas because he had a bad feeling, but since he didn't know what it was about, he hadn't wanted to make Even leave work (and that he now wished he had). He told him about getting there, about what the doctor had said about having a bad feeling.  


 

 

  
“Even. I have leukaemia. I have cancer.”   
  


 

  
And then he was a sobbing mess again, but this time, he was in the arms of his boyfriend. Even cried too, but he still managed to soothe Isak a little. He kept whispering the same thing over and over until Isak’s sobs quieted.   


 

  
“We’ll get through this together.”   



	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

 

  
Isak had been so worn out that he couldn't get back on his feet. Even had tried carrying him to the bus-stop only to find out there wouldn't be a bus for the next 30 minutes. It was cold and they were both dressed way to lightly to stay outside for much longer. Even had called his mother. She didn't ask any questions when she picked them up, but Isak had a feeling she would ask them the following morning. Right before he fell asleep, he had asked Even if he could please tell his parents because Isak didn't have the strength to tell anymore people right now. And he had a lot of people to tell. Thinking about this made Isak panic and cry again. Even just reassured him, saying that “We’ll get through this together”.  
  
——-  
  
  
The next morning, Isak woke up and found himself alone in Even’s bed. Even had left the door slightly open so Isak could hear he was just outside, talking to his parents. Isak stretched, got out of bed looked around the room for his jeans or a pair of Even’s sweatpants. He spotted a pair of sweatpants across the room and found himself standing before the mirror hanging on Even’s wall. He was just wearing a t-shirt and boxers and looked like hell. He suddenly remembered everything that happened yesterday, could feel himself panicking. He had cancer. He could die. He was probably going to die. He felt really bad, worse than when he was hungover. Probably because of the crying last night. He rolled his shoulders and felt pain in his back. Not remembering having hurt himself he lift his t-shirt to look at his back. All along his spine there were bruises. Purple ones, ugly ones. How hadn't he seen this earlier? But then again, he never studied his back in the mirror. But why hadn't Even seen them? Probably because they slept in clothes now all the time because it was so cold. The doctor had informed him that stuff like this could happen, but he still fell to his knees, feeling himself panicking again. Hyperventilating.This was really happening. He was really sick.  
  
“Isak.” Even must have heard him hitting the floor, because suddenly he was there, arms around Isak and telling him to breathe, that it would be alright, that he was fine. Everything was going to be fine. Isak suddenly felt the urge to laugh. He couldn't help it. “I have fucking cancer, of course I’m not fine.” he gasped out. At least he had gotten his breath back. Even looked at him like he was crazy for a few seconds, then they both started laughing hysterically. It really wasn't funny, but after crying so much, Isak just let himself laugh. It was the hysterical kind of laughter, the inappropriate kind you did when you were uncomfortable and didn't know how to deal with the situation. He didn't know how to deal with this. He was just a kid. A kid with cancer. And right now, a laughing kid with cancer.  
  
Even’s parents showed up at the door, looking at them with fond smiles. “Well, I can see you guys are your usual selves.” Even’s mother, Lisa, said fondly, obviously happy to see them laughing.  
  
Isak managed to ground himself, and took a deep breath, stopping his laughter. Even followed his example and just sneezed his hand. Isak was glad. “Sorry Lisa. I guess I just needed a laugh.” he said, feeling the tears press again when she gave him that sympathetic look. Would he ever stop crying? Didn’t feel like it.  
  
“Oh honey.” Suddenly he found himself wrapped in a hug again, but this time it was Lisa hugging him. The touch of a mother was all he needed to start sobbing all over again. He hadn't been hugged like this by his own mother for so many years, he couldn't even remember how her hugs felt like. But he had been hugged by Lisa a couple of times over the year and he really loved her hugs. She just sank down on the floor with him, and hugged him until he stopped sobbing. Isak hated crying in front of people and now six people had seen him cry in under 24 hours. He decided it didn't matter anymore. He had cancer. No matter how much he thought those words, he couldn't really accept it. _I have cancer._  
  
Even helped them both to their feet and all of them went into the kitchen for breakfast. Even made sure to keep a hand on Isak at all times, to reassure the younger boy. Placing his hand at Isak’s thigh, hand, arm, stroking his fingers across his wrist, cheek. Making sure Isak knew he was there for him. Isak loved him for it.  
  
They ate in silence for a while, before Even’s dad, Anders, cleared his throat. “Isak, Even came to talk to us a couple of hours ago, and he told us everything your doctor said.” Isak just nodded, not having anything to add to what Even had said. He had told Even everything the night before. “We discussed it a bit, and we know how you feel about moving home to your parents. But you can’t be alone with this. It’s going to be tough and awful. From what I’ve heard about your flatmates they are wonderful, but they are still kids even if they are older than you. You need a parent.” he looked at Isak, and Isak just nodded slowly.  
  
  
He knew he needed a parent but he hadn't had one the last two years. And he had never had a parent like Even had. He knew he should call his dad and move in with him, get help, but he couldn’t make himself do it. He hated his father so much for what happened to his mother, he just couldn't forgive him. At least not yet. Maybe not ever. “I know. But I can’t. I can’t even pick up the phone to call my dad, I only text him when he forgets to transfer money for rent. And my mother can't even take care of herself most days. Right now she’s not even living at home. I just don't know what to do.” He said, feeling his voice break a little and biting his lip. What was he going to do? Asking Eskild to be his guardian had been wishful thinking. Anders was right, Eskild wasn't old enough for that kind of responsibility. Isak could actually die.  
  
Isak could feel Even squeeze his arm again. He looked at his boyfriend, the love in Even’s eyes. The calmness he radiated. The acceptance. Isak could drown in those perfect blue eyes. Tearing his gaze back to look at Anders and Lisa again, Isak tried to come up with another idea.  
  
Even’s parents exchanged looks. “Thats what we’ve been discussing actually.” they started, and Isak peeked up, confused. “We were wondering if you would like to come and live here with us. I and Lisa will come with you to your doctors appointment on Monday, Even too if you want. And we’ll take it from there.” Anders was smiling at him, Lisa squeezed his arm.  
  
Isak didn't know what to say. He had never met parents like Even’s. He had met all his friends parents before and they were all nice people, but Even’s parents were extra nice. They were so caring and understanding, letting Even live his life with few rules but without being lenient. They took care of Even without being controlling or intrusive or nagging. They were just really nice. And now they wanted to take care of Isak on top of having to take care of Even. He wanted to point out that it was a nice offer but he didn't want to impose on them. But looking quickly at his boyfriend, his reassuring smile telling Isak that it was okay, he realised that he really wanted to say yes. He wanted to be with people who knew how to care for a child, for a sick child. He wanted to feel safe, to feel like he had a support system and help when he needed and wanted. He wanted to say yes.  
  
  
So he did.  
  
  
——-

 

Later, when he and Even were laying on the floor of Even’s bedroom, soon to be their bedroom, both staring at the roof and listening to music, he was wondering if he made the wrong choice. Maybe this was too much for Even and his parents to handle. Maybe he should call his dad after all. Maybe he should just stay at his flat and hope his flatmates would help. But he really wanted to stay. “Even?”   
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Even turned his head to look at Isak, smiling. Even was so relaxed about this, making Isak feel so much better. He was panicking way to much by himself, so having Even there, relaxed, helped a lot right now. But he was scared about how this would affect Even. Affect their relationship. Even’s sickness. “Are you sure it’s okay, me being here? I mean, it’s gonna get really bad, and I’m probably going to need a lot of help as I… as I get sicker.” he bit his lip, unsure what more to say.  
  
  
But Even always knew what he meant. Scooting closer and putting an arm around Isak, Even slowly kissed his cheek. “Of course I want you here. I always want you here.” He kissed away the tear falling down Isak’s cheek. “And now more than ever. You being here means that I will know how you are, and I won’t have to lay in bed alone all night, worried about you. You have taken care of me for the past year. Now it’s my turn.” Nuzzling his nose under Isak’s chin, Even pulled him closer and just held him for a while.  
  
Isak didn't know what to respond to that, so instead he just kissed Even’s forehead, whispered “I love you” and cried.  
  
  
  
After a while Lisa entered the room and asked them to come with her and Anders to go shopping for a new bed.  
  
“Why?” Isak asked, looking at both Lisa and Even.  
  
“Well, my bed has stairs and is a little tight for two people, So we’re switching it out.” Even explained, shrugging his shoulders. When he saw the panicked look in Isak’s eyes, he quickly added “They have been promising me a new bed for years, so don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Don’t panic Isak. We love having you here, so don’t worry about it” Lisa added, smiling at him. But he did worry. He worried that they made all these changes in their life, Even’s life, and he knew what changes could do to Even. But he had nowhere else to go, no-one else who would take care of him. Isak didn't know what to do. He knew this could cost him Even. He knew this could quite possibly ruin their relationship. But Even just pulled his arm and smiled at him so charmingly.  
  
And so they went bed shopping. And ended up with new sheets and pillows and Even bought Isak a teddybear in hopes of cheering the younger boy up. It worked, partly.  
  
——

 

Living with Eskild and Linn and Noora at the flat had been heaven for Isak. He had finally been living with normal people, people who actually talked to him, not at him and respected him and sometimes took care of him. And now he had to leave.   
  
“I don’t know what to say.” They were sitting around the kitchen table in the kitchen in the flat. Even and his parents had started on packing down Isak’s things while Isak talked to his flatmates. He had told them everything. From the first doctors appointment to the part about moving to the Bech Næsheim residence. Eskild had been the first to speak, and those had been his words. _I don’t know what to say._ Isak didn't either.  
  
Luckily, Linn spoke up. “We’ll be there for you Isak. Whatever you need, just call us, okay?” Noora and Eskild agreed and then they all hugged Isak. He breathed out in relief, at least he didn't cry this time.  
  
“Well, now you can finally have your room back.” He jokingly told Noora, who just shook her head as to say not funny.  
  
Settling in to a awkward silence, he was relieved when Even came and told him that they were done. He pulled out his keys to put on the table when Eskild pushed his hand away. “Keep the keys Isak. You're coming home when you’re in remission, cancer-free..” Isak just nodded, not having the heart to tell him that the chances of remission wasn't high.  
  
They left soon after.  
  
——

  
Stopping by Eva’s house was much easier. Even had organised so all of Isak’s friends were there and had told Jonas to just break the news before they came. So when Even’s parents dropped the boys off at Eva’s house, all their friends were in the living room, had made food and snacks and brought a ton of movies. Isak loved them for it. He found himself sitting between Jonas and Eva on the couch, watching Harry Potter. His friends wanted to do an entire marathon but Isak and Even only agreed to watch the last two films, as they needed to get back home so Isak could get some sleep. Sitting there, eating pizza and watching the movies, Isak could almost forget the dreadful reality. Almost.  
  
But he enjoyed the moment of normality and happiness and friendship. He enjoyed the feeling of being himself, of being able to stuff his face with snacks and soda.  
  
He knew things would change soon enough.  
  
He knew they might never be the same again.  
  
——  
  
Sunday came and they were all sitting in the living room, drinking hot chocolate, when Anders asked if they could talk for a few minutes.  
  
“Is it okay if we all come with you tomorrow Isak? So we can talk with your doctor and get all the details worked out? And Even can keep you company when you have your chemo.”  
  
Isak took a minute to think about it. He had been going alone to the doctors since he had turned twelve. But he had heard that chemo could be really terrifying, and he really didn't want to go alone. And having adults taking care of paperwork and appointments and dealing with the doctor sounded reassuring. Besides, his doctor had told him to bring someone. So Isak nodded and said “Yes.”  
  
  
He and Even went into Even’s, no, _their_ room to listen to music while they waited for dinner. Isak walked around for a bit, trying to get used to the room with a big double bed instead of Even’s old bed. It was a little weird. Everything had been feeling weird ever since he had been to the doctors office. He looked at Even, who were drawing at his desk, and took some time to really study his boyfriend. He looked troubled, but then again, he often did. But Isak had this nagging feeling that there was something Even wasn't telling him. That this effected Even more than he let on. That this was really bad for Even and his psyche.  
  
“Even?” he sat down on the bed, looking at his boyfriend who now turned and met his gaze. “I need you to be honest with me. About how you feel about all this. I mean, I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you, and I can’t help feeling like right now I’m doing the opposite…” he started rambling, before looking down at the floor, shacking his head. He could hear Even getting up and walking over to him.  
  
“Isak, baby.” Even sat down on his knees in front of Isak, grabbing his hands. “I love you. And you don’t ever have to take care of me. It’s not your job, and right now, you don’t need to think about that. Right now, it’s my turn to take care of you. I’m fine now. I take my meds and my parents will help me when needed. _Help us both._ ”  
  
Isak just nodded, tears falling again. Even was way to sweet, and Isak wanted to believe him. Isak wanted to believe a lot of things. He had wanted to believe Eskild earlier, when he talked about moving back in when he was in remission. Isak bit his lip. He hadn't had much time to really think about it, but he really didn't want to die. He was only 18 years old. He was too young to die.  
  
“Isak. We will do this together. I will be there for you, every step off the way, just like you’ve always been there for me.” Even stared at him, and Isak met his eyes. Let himself drown in those blue eyes. Let himself daydream for a second, about things just going back to how they used to be. About waking up from his horrible nightmare, this surreal reality. About having the life he dreamt about, with Even. About graduating and getting a good job and getting a place together with Even. About having a _life_.  
  
Isak remembered something Even had said a long time ago. He hadn't even said it to Isak, but in that movie Isak found when he stalked Even on the internet. Forcing a small smile, he whispered softly that “you once said something along the lines of ‘the love story isn't epic if no-one dies’, so I guess this makes our love story epic then.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“It’s true.”  
  
“Our love story is already epic Isak. And you will make it though thi-“  
  
“No, don’t. Please don’t. I just need to… I don’t know what I need right now. Shit.” he shook his head, rubbed his face.  
  
Even, realising that talking didn't do any good right now, got up and walked across the room. Grabbing his guitar he walked back and sat down next to Isak, legs crossed and the guitar in his lap.

  
  
_“When life leaves you high and dry_

_I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help_

_I'll shut down the city lights,_

_I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe to make you well, to make you well_

_When enemies are at your door I'll carry you way from more_

_If you need help, if you need help_

_Your hope dangling by a string_

_Ill share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well”  
_

 

_  
_ Even’s voice was so beautiful and even when he fumbled a little with the chords Isak loved it. The message in the song, the way his boyfriend’s voice sounded. He thought about Even’s words. _It’s my turn to take care of you_. And Isak really wanted to let him, but he was afraid. Being taken care of was something he hadn't experienced since he was a little kid. When he was twelve, he had both gone to the doctor and the pharmacy by himself, making himself tea and food and cuddling under a blanket when he had a nasty cold. His father just worked and his mother was.. well. Just not there. Thinking back now, he could barely remember a time when she had acted like a normal mother. Even had been the first person to actually take care of Isak, in any way. The first person Isak had felt really comfortable around.

 

  
  
_“And I would do it for you, for you_

_Baby I'm not moving on_

_I love you long after you're gone_

_For you, for you_

_You would never sleep alone_

_I love you long after you're gone_

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone”_  


 

  
Thinking about death again, Isak realised this was something he was forced to accept. He might not make it. He might die. Biting his lip, he tried forcing the thoughts away as he watched his boyfriend play. Right now, the thought of leaving Even behind was way harder to accept than the fact that he might die. He was more afraid of leaving his wonderful but fragile boyfriend all alone if he didn't make it, than he was of death itself. Maybe it was weird. He didn't care.

 

He thought about all the things he wouldn't be able to do now. Being russ. Going to parties. Finishing high school. He had done twelve and a half year of school, working his butt of for good grades so he could study in the field he wanted, only to fail now? It pissed him off.  


 

  
“ _When you fall like a statue_

_I'm gon' be there to catch you_

_Put you on your feet, you on your feet_

_And if your well is empty_

_Not a thing will prevent me_

_Tell me what you need, what do you need”_

 

  
  
Still crying, since he couldn't ever seem to stop, he looked down at the bedsheets. He needed to hold on to the good things. The positive ones. Like how he would have Even, and Lisa and Anders. He wouldn't be doing this alone. And he probably had Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi as well. Maybe even Eva and the girl squad. He wasn't alone.

  
“ _You're my back bone, you're me cornerstone_

_You're my crutch when my legs stop moving_

_You're my headstart, you're my rugged heart_

_You're the pokes that I've always needed”  
  
_  
He and Even had tried to research leukaemia a bit earlier today, so they would know what to expect. It had broken them down in tears, both of them. This wasn't going to be easy and the even if the mortality rate wasn't that high, there were no guaranties. This wasn't simple. It wasn't something kids should have to deal with. It was terminal illness. But the most important thing they learned during their research, was that determination was the most important thing. The will to live was the key to beating it (and really good doctors and drugs, of course). And Isak realised he had it.  
  
Isak had the will to live.  
  
  
_“Like a drum baby don't stop beating_

_Like a drum baby don't stop beating_

_Like a drum baby don't stop beating_

_Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you_

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone_

_I love you long after you're gone gone gone”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter:
> 
> \- Gone, Gone, Gone, by Phillip Phillips
> 
> (Which is also the song I got the title from)


	3. Chapter 3

_Well I just heard the news today_

_It seems my life is going to change_

_I closed my eyes, begin to pray_

_Then tears of joy stream down my face_

 

_Well I don't know if I'm ready_

_To be the man I have to be_

_I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side_

_We stand in awe, we've created life_  


_With arms wide open_

_Under the sunlight_

_Welcome to this place_

_I'll show you everything_

_With arms wide open_

_Now everything has changed_

_I'll show you love_

_I'll show you everything_

_With arms wide open_

_  
————-_

 

 

_  
_

 

The waiting room was cold. And it smelled like really strong chemicals. And Even hated it. He had always hated hospitals, but now the hate was even stronger. _This is the place I will spend most of my days for the next months,_ he thought. He turned his head to look at Isak, who were biting his lip again. It was becoming sore, Isak had been biting it a lot the last three days. Even was tempted to make him stop, make him stop hurting himself, but he couldn’t. He couldn't deny Isak anything right now. He couldn't even help him. He could just hold his hand and try to be there for him. He just didn't know if he could take this.  


 

  
Even hadn't wanted to worry Isak or his parents, so he hadn't said anything. But he was freaking out, had been, ever since Isak told him about the cancer. He tried to act strong from the first second, but he felt like he couldn't breathe. He wanted to cry and throw stuff around and scream. He woke up in the middle of the night from nightmares. He could feel himself on the verge of getting another episode. He had called his therapist and made an appointment without telling his parents. He just needed a little help right now, but he couldn't show Isak and his parents how weak he was. He feared his parents wouldn't help Isak if they knew, and Isak really needed help. Isak was dying. Even having a manic episode was nothing compared to that.  
  
  
  
“Hello Isak.” a middle aged man, presenting himself as Aleksander Lunde, came to get him. This was obviously Isak’s doctor. He showed them through several doors, finally arriving at an area for chemotherapy. He left Isak and Even with a nice, older looking, nurse who obviously had been doing this for a while. Dr. Lunde (Even refused to call him Alex) and Even’s parents went into another room to talk.

  
  
The nurse explained everything to Isak, making sure he understood, and prepared the needle. Even could see the panic in Isak’s eyes, and pulled himself together. Not caring who saw them, he grabbed Isak’s hand, and sat down on the side opposite of the nurse. “Sweetie, look at me. I’m here. Focus on me. I love you.” he whispered in Isak’s ear, and kissed him softly just as the nurse stuck the needle into Isak’s tiny arm. The nurse gave him a small smile accompanied by a nod, mouthing a ‘thank you’. He tried to smile back, but only half succeeded.   
  
He continued to hold Isak’s hand as they sat there in silence, waiting for Even’s parents and dr. Lunde to come back. Even kissed Isak a few times, mostly on the cheek. When dr. Lunde came back without Even’s parents, they looked at him with confusion. “They’ll be back soon, just filling out some paperwork with contact information and stuff. This will take a few more hours Isak, so if you want anything to eat or drink you should send your boyfriend down to the cafeteria to get you some food.” Both dr. Lunde and Even laughed softly at Isak’s blushing face when the words “your boyfriend” were spoken. “Take care boys.” the doctor said before he left them again.  
  
“So. Are you hungry, _boyfriend_?” Even asked and laughed a little. When Isak actually nodded he felt a little relieved. It gave him a chance to escape this dreadful room for a few minutes. With a quick kiss and a promise to hurry back, he left the room and followed the signs to the cafeteria.   
  
Walking down the halls of the hospital, Even thought about his last visit here. He had been manic, and believed he could do anything. He had ended up with 14 stitches and a really worried Isak, and then slept for 7 days, only leaving the bed for toilet breaks.   
  
Looking back at that now, it was something so meaningless compared to this. Even had never known anyone with cancer before. But he had read about it, and read stories about it. He had seen movies like ‘My sisters keeper’ and ’50/50’. He knew this would get really bad, and he also knew he could lose Isak. Isak with his pretty blonde hair and beautiful smile. Isak with those amazing green eyes and wonderful sense of humour. And Even knew he couldn't take it. He wouldn't survive losing Isak.  
  
Feeling dizzy, he had to lean against the wall for a second. He felt nauseous. He felt like he couldn't breathe. So this was what it felt like for Isak, every time he panicked. Even felt himself slowly sinking to the floor, still struggling to breathe.   
  
“Are you okay?” he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, and looked up to face dr. Lunde. Shaking his head, not managing to say a word, he continued to fight for breath. “Just try to relax. Count slowly to ten inside your head. Focus on your surroundings. Breathe.”  
  
With dr. Lunde’s help, Even found himself able to breathe again after a while. Feeling stupid, he tried to look away from the doctor and kept his eyes glues to the floor.  
  
“Even? It’s okay to panic. I know this is a lot to take in. Having someone you love being sick is awful.”   
  
Even looked up at him, wanting to say that he could take it, say he was strong enough to be there for Isak. What came out of his mouth instead was something completely different.  
  
“I’m bipolar.”  
  
  
———  


  
Even had made the doctor promise to not tell Isak or his parents about the panic attack or the 40 minute long talk they had after. He promised to tell them himself. He had an appointment with his psychiatrist tomorrow anyway so he would be fine until then at least.   
  
Dr. Lunde had talked him through all the options, all the ways this could go. He had explained things calmly, and said multiple times that Even could just call him if he was unsure about anything.   
  
Even had realised after their talk that he had been gone nearly an hour, and hurried to get some food for Isak and himself, before returning to the chemotherapy room, finding his parents sitting next to Isak. They were chatting quietly, looking up at him as he walked over.   
  
Handing Isak the bagel and a soda, he smiled apologetically. “I got a little lost.” which wasn't a lie, he just _actually_ had been lost, but more inside his head than direction-vice.   
  
“It’s fine.” Isak smiled weakly at him, and Even could see that it wasn't all that fine. He felt horrible for being to weak to be there for Isak right now. He wasn't the one being sick, Isak was. And Isak was looking pale, exhausted and terrified. Even sat down next to him again, grabbing his hand softly. Kissing it carefully, getting a weak smile from Isak in return.  
  
Even’s parents rose to their feet and promised to be back soon, they also wanted some lunch. His mother placed a kiss on Isak’s temple and his father squeezed Isak’s shoulder comfortingly. Even waited until they had left the room, before he leaned in to kiss Isak. But Isak quickly turned his head away, leaving Even confused. “Nauseous” Isak mumbled. Even nodded and asked the nurse to come over. She gave Isak something for the nausea, and encouraged him to eat something.  
  
So they ate in silence, and afterward Even pulled out his phone and earplugs, and they watched a movie with one earplug each. Even had a bunch of Disney movies on his phone, and chose ‘The Emperors New Groove’. It even made Isak laugh a few times. Even was glad. He loved that laughter. He just feared he would hear less and less of it from now on. He was probably right.  
  
A few hours later they were allowed to leave, and got a bunch of papers with them, medication against the nausea and a bunch of other things Even hadn't paid attention to. He had focused on making Isak comfortable, relaxed, holding his hand and kissing his forehead. Making sure he knew Even was there, loving him. Even was glad his parents took care of every thing so he and Isak didn't have to. 

 

  
  
When Isak got sick that night, Even was thankful he didn't have a problem with other people vomiting. Sitting next to Isak in the bathroom for hours, he carefully patted his boyfriends back and rinsed his washcloth once in a while. When Isak finally fell asleep in his lap, Even picked him up and carried him back to the bed, thankful for the new bed. Those stairs had probably made this impossible. His mother came in with a bucket and placed it next to Isak’s side of the bed. Even smiled at her and followed her out to the kitchen.  
  
“Mom? I have an appointment at the psychiatrist tomorrow morning, could you or dad stay with Isak? I don’t think he will be well enough for school.” He trailed off, rubbing his eyes and yawned. It was nearly one o’ clock in the morning.   
  
“Sure sweety. How long did you manage to get free from work?”  
  
“Just this week. After that we need a new plan.”  
  
“Don’t worry sweetie. We will take care of Isak. Go and get some sleep now.”   
  
Even just hugged his mother tight for a few minutes. He really appreciated her, now more than ever. He knew he should talk to her, tell her what he was feeling. About his fears. About how he felt like his medication had stopped working. But he didn’t. He just hugged her in silence and did as she suggested. He went to bed.  
  
  
————-  
  
“… and now he is hopefully still sleeping and my mother is watching him.” Even had told his psychiatrist the entire story. He needed help sorting his thoughts, and now he was looking at her, waiting for her point of view on this.   
  
“Even. You are still taking your meds right?”

 

He just nodded.  
  
“Good. And you're still being honest with your parents, letting them help you?”  
  
He nodded again.  
  
“Great. Well, Even. I won’t lie to you. This is going to be hard on you. It will be hard on everyone around Isak, but especially you, considering you being bipolar. I won’t tell you to stay away from Isak, because that wouldn't help you either. But I want you to take care of yourself. You have to be careful. And I want you to come in and talk to me twice a week.” she tapped her pen against her notebook, thinking for a few seconds. “And maybe you should suggest therapy for Isak as well.”  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
“You know, Even, you have come a long way the last year. And that is probably thanks to Isak. But I fear that having this so close could be reversing that progress. I don’t mean that you should make Isak move out. But you should maybe ask your parents to make up another room, so you guys can get some space from time to time.”  
  
Even was lost for words. He never wanted to be separated from Isak and he never felt he needed space. But they hadn't as much as had the flu this past year. They had never watched each other be sick. And having a place to hide away for a while to sort his thoughts, to take a break from reality, didn't sound too awful.   
  
“I’ll think about it.”  
  
  
————  
  
When he entered the apartment he could hear Isak throwing up in the bathroom again. He quickly toed off his shoes and hung up his jacket. Walking toward the bathroom he heard his mother softly talking to Isak, trying to ease his pain. Even took a deep breath. He could do this. For Isak.  
  
Walking into the bathroom, he concentrated on staying calm and tried to forget his psychiatrist's words. _This is going to be hard on you._ There was no “going to be”, it was already hard.  
  
Sitting down next to Isak, he took the washcloth his mother handed him and used it to gently wipe Isak’s face. Isak just closed his eyes, quiet tears running down his face. Even bit his own lip, taking a deep breath to steady himself. He needed to keep it together. He needed to take care of Isak. Isak needed him right now, just like he had needed Isak this pas year.  
  
“We’ll get through this together.” he whispered into Isak’s ear, placing a soft kiss on his temple. Isak answered by crying louder, and Even pulled him into his lap and into his arms. His mother left the room, saying something about making them some lunch.  
  
Which resulted in Isak hogging the toilet again, his whole body heaving.   
  
Even just went over to the sink, washed the washcloth and waited for it to stop. Then he pulled Isak back into his lap, cleaning his face with the washcloth again.  
  
They ended up spending a few hours on the bathroom floor. Even could see how hard this was on Isak. It was hard on Even too. Way too hard for him to handle. But he couldn't just leave. He couldn't turn his back on Isak now. He couldn't just skip out and abandon him. Neither did he ever want to. But he was scared. Scared of what could happen to him, but most of all scared of losing Isak. Because he knew he wouldn't survive it. He wouldn't even want to survive it.  
  
  
——-

 

 

A few weeks passed and they entered a rhythm. Even went with Isak to every chemotherapy, doing his best to distract his boyfriend from the horrible reality with jokes and kisses and stories from work. They watched movies and drank sodas. Isak could barely keep any food down by now.   
  
  
At night Even slept next to Isak, letting the younger boy hold onto him. He found himself sleeping less and less, feeling restless and his thoughts racing. He had debated telling his parents but they had their hands full helping with Isak. They had organised meetings with Isak’s school, gone to doctors appointments, taken care of Isak while he had been to work. So he kept it to himself. He was having an appointment in a few days. His psychiatrist had been away for a few days so he hadn't had an appointment in over a week now. He also hadn't taken his meds because he had been so focused on taking care of Isak, he had forgotten to renew the prescription. But it would be fine. He would get it fixed in a few days.  
  
Even watched his boyfriend sleep. The only time Isak seemed relaxed these days was when he slept next to Even. So Even just held onto him and let him sleep.  
  
  
——  
  
Sometimes Isak had good days. He had days he almost felt normal, and on one of those days, Even agreed to take him to a party. The party was at Vilde’s place, and it was just going to be their friends there. Isak was really happy about going, and Even was so relieved to finally see his boyfriend smiling again. Laughing that sweet, adorable laughter.  
  
They arrived at the party a little after the others, and found that their friends had turned it into a more of a hangout-while-drinking-alcohol than a party. They were all seated on the couches, drinking different forms of alcohol and chatting happily. Even was grateful for the toned down version of a party.  
  
As the night got darker and the kids got drunker (well, Isak and Even didn't drink) someone, probably Magnus, suggested playing Never-have-I-ever. Even gave Isak a look saying they could leave now if he wanted to, but Isak seemed happy to join.   
  
The kids let Isak start, and grabbing his glass of soda, he smiled wickedly at Even and said “Never have I ever walked out the door naked” earning a laugh from everyone, including Even, and adding “and you have to drink alcohol, you who actually can.” Even did as he was told, grabbing the beer Jonas offered him and was the only one drinking, of course.   
  
“Very funny.” he said, but he wasn't mad at Isak, not at all. They were way past that episode now, and they just laughed at it. “But I guess this makes it my turn then. Never have I ever had a crush on Jonas.” he grinned back at his boyfriend. Two could play this game.  
  
Isak went bright red to the catcalls from his friends, and took a sip of his soda. Eva and Vilde also drank, the latter defending herself with “What? He’s not bad looking.”  
  
“Since that one was about me, I’ll pick the next one!” Jonas exclaimed, stopping the teasing of both Isak and Vilde. “Never have I ever been caught having sex by parents.”  
  
  
Even and Isak both groaned and drank. If they kept going like this Even would become very drunk.

 

“WHAT?”  
  
“His parents are home all the time.” Isak explained, shrugging.   
  
Later that night, Even overheard Isak and Jonas whisper quietly.  
  
“It’s not to much for you, staying there? I mean, you're so exhausted.”  
  
“Cancer does that to you Jonas.”  
  
“Cancer and staying with your boyfriend.”  
  
“Jonas, Even takes care of me. I don’t think I could have done this without him.”  
  
“I know. I just worry about you getting exhausted. Chemo is hard enough, having sex and going to parties on top of that-“  
  
“I’m not having sex Jonas. Haven't since I got the diagnose. And this is the first party I’ve been to since then. I told you, Even takes care of me, makes sure I’m sleeping, drinking, eating. I’ve never had anyone care for me the way he and his parents does.”  
  
“I know. I know. I just worry about you.”  
  
“You don’t have to. I’m fine. But I miss seeing you.”  
  
“I’ll start dropping by more often. They told me they're going to give your homework to me anyway. So you’ll be seeing my ugly face more often from now on!”  
  
“I’ve missed you Jonas.”  
  
“I’ve missed you too.”  
  
Even decided to walk away then, figuring he had listened in on far too much already. He understood why Jonas was concerned. Even knew it himself, that he wasn't any good for Isak. He could feel it build up, the breaking point rushing at him, full speed.  
  
But he loved Isak to much to walk away because of something as silly as a manic episode. And he was going to his therapist in a few days, it would be fine. He would be fine. They would be fine.   
  
At least he hoped so.  
  
——-  
  
A few days later, Isak was supposed to go to school for a few hours. Even had promised follow him there, stay by his side until they found Jonas or Magnus. They were currently standing in the bathroom, Even brushing his teeth and Isak combing his hair. Even was deep in thought when he heard Isak curse. He looked over at his younger boyfriend and saw him standing there with a big chunk of hair in his hand.   
  
  
Isak’s hair was starting to fall out. Even realised they weren't going to school today. 

 

 

 

 

 

\-------------------------

_I was dressed in embarrassment_

_I was dressed in white_

_If you had a part of me_

_Will you take your time_

_Even if I come back_

_Even if I die_

_Is there some idea_

_To replace my life_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
>  
> 
> \- With Arms Wide Open, Creed
> 
> \- For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti, Sufjan Stevens


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sections written in italic are memories, scenes borrowed from the original SKAM season 3.

 

 

 

Chemo sucked. Even tried to cheer him up every time, but it still sucked. Isak already hated needles long before getting diagnosed with leukaemia, and being poked and prodded with them multiple times every week didn't help. Now he hated them with a passion, feeling nauseous just by the thought of them sticking it in his arm. The medication against nausea didn't help much either, so he always got so sick after chemo, throwing up for hours without a break. Even when his stomach was empty he kept heaving, his body convulsing against his will. He hated it. He hated all of it.  
  
For every dose of chemo he could feel himself getting weaker and weaker. Some days he couldn't make it out of bed without help from Even or Anders. Some days he found himself thinking about death, almost wishing for it, longing for it. Because then the pain would stop at least. He would be free from chemo and the pain and sickness. He would be free. He never told anyone about these thoughts.  
  
He knew it would kill Even.  
  
Right now he was sitting in the awful chair, getting an extra high dosage of chemo, wearing a hat on his head and draped in a blanket. Even had gone to get him a soda and probably pee, so he was by himself for a little while. He was rarely alone these days. Mostly due to the fact that he couldn't do anything by himself. He needed help with everything. And he needed Even. He didn't like admitting it, but whenever Even left his side he felt like crying. He hated himself for being so weak.  
  
He usually wasn't like this, hadn't been like this before everything. But then again, he didn't have cancer before. So maybe he was allowed to be a little weak. As long as he didn't say it out loud, no-one would know anyway.  
  
“Hey.” a voice said beside him, jolting him out of his thoughts. It was a girl, not much older than himself. She was also getting chemo, and her head was bald. Isak tried to smile weakly at her, couldn't bring himself to speak just yet. His mind was still racing with thoughts.  
  
“I see you're getting the heavy shit. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Oh? Is it worse than the regular stuff?” Isak asked, already having realised the answer as he asked the question. Of course a heavier dosage was worse.  
  
“Yeah, and it probably also means they have to be more aggressive with the treatment which means your cancer probably isn't responding to the treatment.” she nodded towards her own IV. “I have the same. I have a brain tumour thats too large to operate but the chemo is doing nothing so they just keep upping my dosages. I get sicker and the tumour grows bigger.” he could tell she was trying to joke, but despite the laugh at the end, he heard the serious undertone in her voice.  
  
“I’m sorry.” he said, and she just nodded. They sat in silence for a while, before he mustered up the courage to ask what he really wondered. “Did you shave of your hair or did you just let it fall of by itself?”  
  
“It started falling of a little so I just shaved it. Better that then to have small patches of hair spread across your head. And also I look badass when bald, don't you agree?” she gave him a wicked grin and they continued to chat until Even got back. He joined in, charismatic and charming as ever, and the three of them spoke about everything and anything, but not about cancer. They talked until the sun went down and she had to go due to her treatment being done.

 

——  
  
__  
“I think life is just like a movie and that you can be the director of your own life. Do you get what I mean?”  
  
“I do. But I’m not sure I completely agree.”  
  
“You don’t agree?”  
  
“No..” “What makes it all so interesting is the infinity.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“All those parallel universes. Everything-, like, just how big everything is. How insignificant we are, compared to all of the infinite parallel universes that exist. And everything that can happen will happen… Not only will happen, it is happening. “ “There is probably, in a parallel universe, an Isak and an Even that is lying in the exact same way, in the exact same place. Only that, you know…There’s like, a different colour on the curtains, or whatever.”  
  
“So, yellow curtains then?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Nah. I think that’s enough jay for you.”  
  
“Have you never thought about it?”  
  
  
“Well, yeah. But it’s just making me feel so… I don’t know, lonely.”  
  
“It’s so interesting!”  
  
“Nah, I don’t like it…”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I don’t know… It freaks me out.”  
  
“Jesus Christ… In what way?” “If freaks you out…”  
  
“Not freaked out the way you get by a scary movie, but like… More of a ‘feeling alone’, sort of freaked out. That like… It’s your head… It’s you and your head, and all your thoughts.”  
  
“Alone in your head..? What do you mean?”  
  
“‘The brain is alone’-feeling.”  
  
“What kind of feeling, ‘the brain is alone’?”  
  
“Because there’s only you and your thoughts, you know. You can’t escape your thoughts. The only way is to die.”  
  
“That’s real dark though.”  
  
“Yeah, but have you never thought about it before?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Jeez, I’d forgotten how young you are.”  
  
  


 

——-  
  
  
  
  
“Are you sure you want to do this?”  
  
“Yeah. Positive.”  
  
  
Isak was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, Even next to him, holding a hair clipper. They were going to shave Isak’s head. His hair was already starting to fall off so i was better to just remove it right away. Like the girl at the chemotherapy had said, it was better to remove it than have patches all over his head. And she looked badass so he figured it couldn't be that bad. It was only hair. Isak sat down on a chair and watched in the mirror as Even shaved his head. He watched the hair fall to the floor and watched himself turn into a bald, ugly looking sick boy. He looked dreadful. There were dark circles under his eyes. His body was filled with bruises and he had lost so much weight he looked like an anorexic. He were truly ugly.  
  
Tears falling down his face, he quickly tried wiping them away. Not quickly enough. Even was finished shaving his head and now he wrapped his arms around Isak. “Baby.” he said softly. Isak could feel himself melt into the embrace. He felt so safe when Even was around. Lisa and Anders took good care of him when Even wasn't around, but he felt so much better when Even was there. Even made him feel like he still mattered. Like the world wasn't crashing around him. Like everything would be okay.  
  
“We’ll be okay Isak. We’ll get through this together.”  
  
“Yeah. Together.”  


 

 

-  
  
  
Isak had been to school exactly 3 times since he got diagnosed. He felt too sick most days to even get from the bedroom to the living room. But Jonas dropped off his homework and assignments every day. The teachers had been more than wiling to give him special assignments to do at home, giving him a shot at finishing school. Isak really appreciated it, but he was too sick most days to even type on a computer. Luckily, both Jonas and Even were willing to type for him, and filling in blanks where he couldn't come up with anything.  
  
He wouldn't have been able to pass school without all the help, and he knew it. And he hated it. He wanted to finish school by himself. He wanted to feel like he had reached his goal. Instead, he was laying on the bed, watching Even type an essay for him, barely being able to say a few words every now and then to contribute to the essay.  
  
Good thing Even was great at essays.  
  
Biology was worse. His grades would have sunk bellow the passing score hadn't it been for Sana and all her help. She did all his homework and assignments and didn't once question it or denied to help. It had actually reached a point where she would just text him to tell him about the assignments and then do them without involving him. He appreciated her help so much. But again, he felt like he was cheating. He had wanted to do this, finish it, succeed. Instead he was here. Dying.  
  
He had gone from living the life of his dreams to living a life far beyond his worst nightmares.  


 

-

  
The door bell rang right on time, Jonas was very precise. “Jonas is here” Lisa called, and Even released Isak, giving him a encouraging squeeze on the shoulder before leaving the room to go meet Jonas. Isak tok one last glance in the mirror, shuddering at his own ugliness and then following Even.  
  
Jonas didn't even comment on his shaved head. He didn't flinch, didn't freak out. He was just Jonas. He continued being Jonas, all the time. Isak loved him for it. “Want any help with the homework today?” he smiled happily, adding in a hushed voice that he had “brought some weed” for Isak.  
  
“I heard that!” Lisa shouted from the kitchen, making the boys groan and laugh. Even’s parents let Isak smoke weed, as long as he didn't share with Even. _Yes, they were dead serious Even, stop arguing._  
  
“Sure.” Isak said, smiling at his best friend and turning to walk into the bedroom. He had stopped referring to it as Even’s bedroom, and just thought of it as the bedroom. Even’s parents had made up the office as a second room with a desk and a bed incase Even needed time for himself, but he rarely used it. Isak knew Even’s psychiatrist had told him to take some space and gather himself from time to time, so some evenings Even went into the spare room to do whatever he did in there, when he thought Isak was asleep. Isak didn't mind. He just wanted Even to be okay.  
  
Sitting in the windowsill, the three boys passed the joint back and forth. Mostly back and forth between Isak and Jonas, but they let Even have a couple of drags as well. Despite Lisa and Anders saying no, they didn't get mad if they bended the rules a little. Isak was dying after all, so he got away with a lot these days.  
  
“How are you today?” Jonas asked.  
  
“Bald. I’m bald.” Isak said, before giggling.  
  
They all laughed for a minute or so, finishing the joint and seating themselves on the bed to do the homework.  
  
“But seriously man, how are you?” Jonas opened the laptop and started typing in password and opening a document.  
  
“I’m okay.” It was his standard answer. He was never fine anymore. He was either really bad, a little bad or okay. “I feel like a ugly freak, but other than that..” he tailed off before shrugging.  


 

  
_Cover my eyes_

_Cover my ears_

_Tell me these words are a lie_

_It can't be true_

_That I'm losing you_

_The sun cannot fall from the sky_

 

Even had put on music in the background and Isak lifted his eyes to meet Even’s. He looked so at ease, so very.. okay. Isak was happy his boyfriend was okay, but he had a nagging feeling. He hadn't paid much attention to Even and his sickness lately, being so consumed by his own. So he hadn't made sure Even took his medication and talked about his feelings. He had kind of let that slide. He hoped Even still were taking his medication and talking to his psychiatrist and parents.   
  
  
“You’re not a ugly freak” both Jonas and Even said in unison. Isak would have laughed at the synchronised answer if the setting had been different.  
  


  
_So hold on_

_Be strong_

_Everyday hope will grow_

_I'm here, don't you fear_

__  
  
Isak didn't know what to answer to that. He had seen himself in the mirror. He was hideous. But he knew he didn't have it in him to argue against his best friend and his boyfriend anymore. He rarely had it in him to do anything at all anymore. So he said the same thing he often said these days.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
They did the homework, Even and Jonas helping him, basically doing all of it without much help from Isak, and then Jonas went home. Some days he stayed for dinner, but today he had to eat at home. “Mom complains that I never eat with her anymore” he had laughed. He hugged Isak carefully before he left, and Isak hugged him back as hard as he could.  
  
“You’re beautiful Isak. Don’t doubt that for a second.” Jonas whispered into his ear. Isak couldn't hold back the tears, but it was okay. He was allowed to cry. He had cancer.  
  


_Little one don't let go_

  
——-  


 

 

“You’re not a ugly freak Isak.” Even said hours later, when it was just the two of them, standing in the bathroom again. Isak really needed a shower, but he was so exhausted he feared he would fall down. He hadn't asked for help, just said he didn't feel like showering right now, but Even had seen straight through him and said he would join him, help him. Isak had just accepted, too tired to fight him. He hated having to be helped around, he felt like he was losing part of himself that way. Like he was becoming less of a person.  
  
Isak just hummed in response to what Even had said.  
  


 

_“Who's gonna follow you into the night?_

_Who's gonna dilute the poison in your mind?_

_Who's gonna drown in your blue eyes?_

 

_Did you ever feel like a call in the night?_

_A good idea laid to waste and left untried._

_Now the pillar of dust_

_That is holding you up_

_Is crashing down around you now_

_And poisoning your mind.”_

 

 __  
Even sung quietly as he helped Isak undress. He was careful and removed Isak’s clothes without touching him to much. He helped the younger boy into the shower when the water had warmed up and climbed in after him, wrapping his hands as carefully as he could around Isak’s tiny frame.  
  


 

_“Who's gonna bridge every river you cross?_

_Who's gonna carry the weight of your loss?_

_Who's gonna colour your blue sky?_

 

_Did you ever feel like a call in the night?_

_A good idea laid to waste and left untried._

_Now the pillar of dust_

_That is holding you up_

_Is crashing down around you now_

_And poisoning your mind.”_

__  
  
  
Even carefully soaped him up, while helping him keep his footing at the same time. One hand doing the soaping, the other on his hip to steady him. Isak wanted to thank him, wanted to tell him how much this meant to him. But there wasn't enough strength left in his body to speak. They hadn't really been this intimate since Isak got diagnosed. He had done his best not to let Even see him naked, feeling ugly and unattractive. His body was too thin, his spine covered in bruises, his ribs sticking out, his skin so pale.  
  
Even lifted Isak’s chin with a soft movement and looked him straight in the eyes. Isak could drown in those blue eyes. “Isak. You're beautiful.” he plainly said. Then he kissed him. Isak melted into Even’s touch, almost feeling like the kiss gave him more energy. It was a soft kiss, yet it meant so much more than just a quick peak, like their kisses usually was these days. Just quick peaks and forehead kisses. This kiss was deeper, and Isak could feel butterflies in his stomach. He had missed this, despite not really having the energy for it. Even pulled away much to soon for Isak’s liking, stroking his chin softly and smiling. “Let’s get you out of the shower and into bed.”  
  


 

 

  
——  
  
_“How many Isaks and Evens are lying just like this right now, do you think?”_  
“Infinite.”  
  
——  
  
“Try this burger!”  
  
“Mmh”  
  
“You know, in our wedding we’ll only serve mini burgers.”  
  
“At our wedding, really?”  
  
“You don’t think we’ll get married?” “We’re so fucking getting married!” “Grand fucking wedding!”“And we’ll show up as… God and Julius Caesar.” “No, you know what? We’ll show up as … Just completely naked. Completely naked. No clothes. From now on we’ll do everything naked.”  
  
“Okey.”  
  
“And I’ll propose to you from a balcony… Just imagine me driving up in a white limo Tesla. I’ll be driving up… And yelling, ‘Princess Vivian!’”  
  
“Princess Vivian?”  
  
“It would be completely genius if that was your answer! Because then, the whole joke is that you’d think it’s a Romeo and Juliet reference. But you don’t get it until you enter the balcony and you see me sitting naked, with a tie! And that’s when you get the reference!” “And after I’ve climbed up the balcony, I’ll ask you, ‘What happens after I’ve saved you?’” “And then you answer… I’ll save you right back.”  
  
  
——  


 

 

  
  
Hours later Isak woke up. It was dark in the room, and when he turned his head to watch the clock on the nightstand he saw that it was three o’ clock in the morning. He reached a hand out to find Even beside him, needing his warmth, but his hand found only cold bedsheets. Isak sat up, a little too fast, and got dizzy. _Shit._ He sat still for a few minutes, until it passed. Swallowed hard to keep himself from throwing up. He hated this.  
  
He got out of bed and turned on the lights. Even wasn't in the room. He pulled on a hoodie and walked out into the kitchen. No Even here either. Continuing walking through the living room, still without trace of Even, he started getting worried. Then he suddenly remembered the spare bedroom and went to check there. Even had probably needed some space, and Isak would gladly give him some, he just needed to know that he actually were in the apartment.  
  
He opened the room to find it empty. __  
  
Slightly panicked now, he sank to the floor, searching his mind for signs, signs that Even might have become manic again. And he found them. The good mood, the singing, the staying awake to take care of Isak. _Shit._ Why hadn't Isak paid better attention to Even? Why hadn't he talked to him about taking care of himself? Why hadn't he reminded Lisa and Anders to check up on Even?  
  
_Because he had been hanging over the toilet puking his guts out._  


He still felt like he should carry some of the blame here. Even had done so much for him, and he couldn't even pay attention to his boyfriend? He bit his lip to stop the tears. Why hadn't he taken care of Even? And how long had Even been gone? What if he was in trouble, or worse, hurt?  
__  
He managed to get back on his feet, and went to knock on Lisa and Anders’ bedroom door. Hearing a quiet _yes_ from the other side, he pushed the door slightly open, to find both Lisa and Anders sitting up in bed, looking at him. They were probably light sleepers. Lisa had turned on the bedside lamp. “Uhm, Even’s gone. I can’t find him anywhere and I… I think he might be manic.” he said, feeling his legs starting to give under. He held onto the door so he wouldn't fall to the floor. He had chemo yesterday morning, and it had been a pretty heavy dosage again.  
  
He hated that his body got this weak. He hated that he couldn't even stand up for more than a few minutes. He hated that he was sick all the time. And he hated that he had missed the signs of Even becoming ill. He hated himself, because he was a crappy boyfriend and a useless person right now.  
  
“Shit.” Lisa said, getting out of bed quickly. Anders jumped out of bed and hurried over to Isak’s side, grabbing his hips to support him. Isak felt thankful. He could be embarrassed later. Or maybe he was done being embarrassed. And now he felt nausea take him.  
  
“Bathroom.” he whispered quickly and Anders scooped him up and carried him to the bathroom, setting him down next to the toilet just in time. He could hear Lisa trying to call Even in the background. He had of course left his phone here, so she tried calling all their friends. Only a few answered, most were probably asleep. No-one had seen him.  
  
Isak kept throwing up for a long time, feeling weaker and weaker. He usually didn't get this bad. It usually stopped for a period between hurls. Not this time.  
  
He started throwing up blood. A lot of it. And he felt really dizzy, the world was spinning around him. He sunk down on the floor, not having the strength to stay sitting up.  
  
“Isak? Are you okay?” Anders asked, but Isak didn't have any strength to answer. “Lisa, call an ambulance please.” was the last thing he heard before he passed out.  


 

——-  
  
When Isak woke up again, he was in a hospital bed. His first thought was _‘where is Even’_ , and then _‘what happened to me’_. A nurse appeared after a few minutes and answered the last part. He had fainted, probably because he hadn't kept any nutritions down for days and his body couldn't handle the strong dosage of chemo all that well.  
  
  
_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

 

  
Anders came in a few minutes later, looking worried and exhausted. When Isak asked about Even he just shook his head and said he didn't know very much, that Lisa was with him.  


 

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

_And sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

 

 

Lisa came into the room an hour later, a bag of crips and a soda in hand, giving them to Isak and sitting down on his bed, smiling tiredly. Isak accepted the snacks but put it on the nightstand, knowing he would only start throwing up again if he ate. She explained that the police had found Even wandering around the highway. He was fine, apart from a few bruises and a sprained wrist. He had tried to escape the police according to them, and when they grabbed his arm to hold him back from running into traffic, he had pulled to hard he sprained his wrist. Even hadn't woken up to tell his side of the story yet. And when he did he probably wouldn't remember. But she didn't doubt the police at all, and neither did Isak. It sounded like something Even could have done, when he was off his meds and no-one helped him.

 

Why hadn't Isak noticed and helped him? Why had he been such a crappy boyfriend? Okay, he had cancer, he might die, but that wasn't really an excuse.

 

Dr. Lunde came in just as Lisa was about to go check on Even. After seeing his serious expression she said she could go to Even in a little while, and sat back down with Isak. Isak appreciated that she stayed, but he felt a little bad for Even. Both of Even’s parents were with him. But, hopefully Even was sleeping right now so that it wouldn't matter to him. Isak prayed he was sleeping.  
  
Dr. Lunde looked tired, and much more serious than when he had first told Isak about the cancer. And he looked pretty serious back then too. Isak didn't know if that was because he had worked late last night or if it actually had something to do with Isak, but Isak had a bad feeling. “I’m not getting any better, am I?” he just asked, point blank. No use in asking for hope when he knew there was no such thing. Not even himself was hoping for anything at this point. He just wanted to die, be rid of the pain. He wanted to be free.  
  
“No. You're not.” Dr. Lunde said. “The cancer isn't responding to the chemotherapy. We need to do a marrow transplantation. We just need to find a match.”  
  
  
Isak decided to ask the question he really wanted to know the answer to, the question on everyones mind. “And if you don’t find one, how long do I have?”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“How long?”  
  
“Maybe a month.”  


 

— _  
_

 

When the night fell and Anders and Lisa had gone home, Isak found himself unable to sleep. He was dying. He was really dying. The chances of finding a donor was slim, so he had a month to live. A month. He didn't really feel anything right now. He expected to feel sadness, relief, anything. But no. He only felt numb, like this wasn't real, like this wasn't about him.  
  
Suddenly someone opened his door ever so quietly and slowly walked into his room. He figured it was a nurse, checking up on him. But it wasn’t. It was Even. “Hey.” He looked like shit, Isak realised, but Even often looked kind of bad when he was coming down from a manic episode. And how he had even managed to sneak out of psychiatric ward and over to oncology was a mystery to Isak, but he didn't waste any strength asking about that.  
  
  
  
_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_  
  
  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Can I come lay next to you?”  
  
“Always.” Isak scooted over, making room for Even on the bed. Even got in, careful not to pull on any of the IVs sticking out of Isak’s arms or hit him with the cast on his wrist.

  
Even wrapped himself around Isak and started sobbing. His parents had probably told him, Isak figured. Isak didn't sob this time. He didn't cry a single tear. He hadn't ever since the doctor had told him. He had probably known, deep down, for a few weeks now. He wasn't feeling any better. He was just getting worse. He was dying. And he was numb. Isak tried to hug Even back, but couldn't get his arms free, so he only grabbed onto Even’s t-shirt. “It’s going to be okay Even. You’re going to be okay.”  
  
  
“You’re going to get through this.”

 

 

 

 

_  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies_

_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

 

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's meant to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Tears Of An Angel, Ryan Dan
> 
> \- Poison In Your Mind, Powderfinger
> 
> \- Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

_Step up to me_

_I know that you've got something buried_

_I'll set you free_

_You set conditions, but I've had enough  
I can't take it_

_This welcome is gone and_

_I've waited long enough to make it_

_and if you're so strong_

_you might as well just do it alone_

_And I'll watch you go_  
  
  
  
———  
  
  
  


 

Jonas had managed to keep calm about Isak’s cancer. He had stayed steady like a rock. Been there for his friend. Been there for all of his friends. He hadn't broken down once. He had comforted everyone of their friends when they had broken down about Isak, crying into his shoulder, one by one.  
  
But now, he really wanted to smash something. He wanted to tear down walls and hit Even in the face. He was furious at the older boy. But sitting in a chair in Even’s hospital room, he did neither of those things. He calmly asked him instead, “How could you let this happen now?”  
  
How could Even have let himself going of the rails now, when Isak needed him the most. Isak was _dying_ for christ sake. Why didn't Even just take his meds and keep himself in check now. It was such a small thing. Taking the bloody pills everyday. How hard could that be?  
  
“I..” Even begun, but then he stopped again and shook his head. He was staring out of the window, sitting on the windowsill. “I though I could handle this, handle him being sick. I thought I could be strong and take care of him and be responsible. But I forgot to renew my prescription, and the sicker he got the more I panicked. Then I got this idea in my head that I needed to be clearheaded to help him, and the pills numb me and before I was able to stop myself or figure out what was happening to me I had lost it.” there was no emotion in the older boy’s voice. He was like a robot.   
  
Jonas looked at the boy sitting in front of him. He was as broken as Jonas felt. Perhaps more broken. “You decided to not take the medication?”  
  
The words came out like a broken whisper “I’m a terrible person, I know” and Jonas immediately regretted being so hard on Even. They were all just dealing with this the best they could, and Even… Even was the one closest too it, and he was sick. It wasn't his fault.   
  
Jonas leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “No, you're not. Sorry I just… I’m just so mad at the world you know? Why Isak?” he groaned, rubbed his eyes and looked back up at Even.  
  
Even was now meeting his gaze, but his face was blank. They had probably drugged him up pretty good, Jonas realised. “I know. I have thought about that every day since they diagnosed him. Why him, why not me?” Jonas felt guilty hearing the older boy talking like this. He shouldn't have been so quick to judge. But it was the protectiveness he felt for Isak, he couldn't help fighting for him. Sometimes without thinking about consequences first. Even turned his head away again, lowering his voice a little, but Jonas still heard him.   
  
“I wish it could just be me instead.”  
  
  
——-  
  
  
Jonas had left Even’s room soon after. He had planned to visit Isak as well, but he just walked straight out of the hospital, and started walking around town, aimlessly. He somehow ended up on the bench he and Isak had been sitting on the day they learned the terrible news. It felt like a lifetime ago. Jonas decided to have a smoke. He sat there, for a long time, until it got dark. Then he got up, and walked to the nearest bus stop.   
  
Arriving at Eva’s thirty minutes later, he knocked on her window and she let him in. She was thankfully alone. He could tell she had been crying, and just pulled her into a hug. Before he knew it, he was crying himself. Not softly or quietly. Oh no, he was ugly sobbing, loudly, messily. And so was she. And they clutched onto each other, holding on as their life depended on it.   
  
Their best friend was dying and they couldn't do anything to help him. They had already been to the hospital to see it they were a match. Neither of them were. No-one in their friend group was. Even’s parents weren't either. Even couldn't even be considered because of some medications he was on. Jonas felt bad for Even, thinking about that. The possibility of Even being a match was slim anyway, but not having the opportunity to do this for Isak even if he happened to be a match must really suck.  
  
Jonas had always known that Isak had a crush on him when they were younger. He just could never reciprocate those feeling, because what he felt for Isak was purely platonic. He loved Isak, but he was never in love with him. And now Isak was dying. Slipping away slowly. That happy, goofy boy he grew up with, who stayed with him through thick and thin, who always cheered him up when he was down, who made sure he got home safe when they went to parties. The boy who stayed by his side no matter how horrible decisions he made.  
  
Jonas wanted to scream. So he did. He sunk to the floor, dragging Eva down with him, and screamed. And she just held on tight, letting him scream. Jonas screamed until his throat was raw. He screamed for Isak and for himself and for Even. He screamed for all their friends. He screamed until he could scream no more.   
  
And Eva held him tight until the morning came and bathed the room in sunlight.   
  
——  
  
Going to school had been hard the last few months, but now it was almost unbearable. He couldn't come up with a single good reason to go. So he didn’t. And neither did any of their friends. They all went to the hospital to be with Isak instead.  
  
Jonas had brought his guitar and Noora, Chris and Sana had bought snacks and sodas for everyone. Magnus had bribed the nurses to let Even join them for a few hours. He just sat in the windowsill and stared out of the window. When Jonas made eye contact with Isak, eyes flickering from Isak to Even, Isak had just shook his head, as if to say that they shouldn't bother Even. That he needed to be left alone right now. Jonas studied the older boy a few more seconds. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like it took all his energy to stay awake right now. It probably did.  
  
Jonas settled down at the foot-end of the bed. There wasn't much talking but they were enjoying being together, all of them. The girls talked quietly about arranging a sleepover or something for all of them when Isak got out and Isak pitched in with a few short answers like “yes” and “maybe”.  
  
Jonas pulled out his guitar and asked if anyone had requests. What about “Hear me now” Isak said, and Jonas just nodded remembering them having done the song together before, “but I don't know the lyrics” he said. Noora told him she knew them, so he just started playing.   
  
  
_“There's no one in town I know_

_You gave us some place to go_

_I never said thank you for that_

_I thought I might get one more chance_

_What would you think of me now_

_So lucky, So strong, So proud?_

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance  
_

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in_

 

_So what would you think of me now_

_So lucky, So strong, So proud?_

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance_

 

_And if you were with me tonight_

_I'd sing to you just one more time_

_A song for a heart so big,_

_God wouldn't let it live_

 

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in”_  
  
  
They all knew it, but no-one said it. This was a kind of goodbye. Things were looking bad, with no way out. And the only one who seemed to have accepted it was Isak. Jonas looked at his best friend now, and saw him relaxed, at peace. He realised Isak had given up.   
  
And Jonas knew he had to find a way, a way to make Isak fight to live again. Maybe he was selfish, but he needed Isak to live.

__  
  
———- 

 

_  
_ After leaving the hospital, Jonas went back home. He was alone, no-one else was home yet. Walking into his room, he placed the guitar down on his bed and went over to his dresser. He wanted to go for a run. Jonas never ran, but now he needed to blow of some steam. He needed to make his head stop spinning with all these thoughts. He quickly changed and went out the door.  
  
And he started running. Thinking about how pale and thin Isak looked. How broken down his best friend was. How fast he had gotten this sick. His sunken eyes, his bony figure.   
  
Jonas ran faster.  
  
__  
There must be some kind of way outta here

_Said the joker to the thief_

_There's too much confusion_

_I can't get no relief_  
  
  
How scared Isak had been that first day, when they went into that doctor’s office. How heartbroken Jonas had been, comforting his best friend as he cried. How scared he had been himself. How all his friends faces looked kinda the same when he told them about Isak. Heartbroken. Devastated. Scared. Confused. Sadness and sorrow.  
  
Jonas pushed himself to run even faster. He was nearly by the woods now. He aimed for that direction and ran and ran. His breath getting heavier and heavier, his lungs screaming for air.  
  


_Business men, they drink my wine_

_Plowman dig my earth_

_None were level on the mind_

_Nobody up at his word_

_Hey, hey  
_

  
Isak had been so happy when they had that party before christmas. Talking about them celebrating in the spring, they were ‘ _going to be russ!_ ’ Everyone had cheered at that. Isak had been the life of the party. Jonas had admired his best friend, for becoming so strong, so at ease with himself, so happy. They had snuck outside to smoke a joint so Even wouldn't see them, since Isak _‘didn’t like doing it in his face when he couldn't join in’_.   
  
  
Jonas could feel the gravel road underneath his feet and kept pushing forward.  
  
  


_No reason to get excited_

_The thief he kindly spoke_

_There are many here among us_

_Who feel that life is but a joke_

_But, uh, but you and I, we've been through that_

_And this is not our fate_

_So let us stop talkin' falsely now_

_The hour's getting late, hey_  
  
  
The day Isak had come out to him, told him he was gay, Jonas had been so proud of his best friend. He had known, of course he had known. But hearing Isak say those words, choosing to admit it to Jonas, choosing to trust him, meant a lot to Jonas. He had fucked up pretty bad with Eva last year. Then he had felt like he was loosing Isak as well, until that moment on that bench when Isak had told him about being gay, about being in love with Even.   
  
Jonas ran down narrower and narrower paths, running until he could run no more. When he felt his legs give under him, he let himself fall down on his knees, heaving for breath. His knees hurt, he had probably scraped them. It didn't matter. He welcomed the pain. And then he was screaming again. Screaming for Isak. Screaming for himself. Screaming for all of their friends. Screaming for all the unfairness in the world. Screaming because Isak didn't deserve this, his life had already been hard enough. Screaming until he could scream no more.  
  


_All along the watchtower_

_Princes kept the view_

_While all the women came and went_

_Barefoot servants, too_

_Outside in the cold distance_

_A wildcat did growl_

_Two riders were approaching_

_And the wind began to howl  
  
  
  
————-  
  
  
_ Jonas just sat there, in the forrest, breathing in and out. Focusing on that one thing. Trying to will himself to get back up and go on. Pull himself together so he could keep being strong for Isak, for his friends.   
  
He heard a branch snap and looked behind him. A blonde girl dressed in a pink jacket came walking toward him. She had a dog, one of those sheepherding-kind of dogs. She waved her hand awkwardly at him. “Hey, are you okay?” she asked.  
  
“I…. no.” he heard himself say. He had been meaning to say _‘yes’_ and just get up and leave. But his legs wouldn't carry him and his voice betrayed him.  
  
“Do you need me to call anyone or-“  
  
“My best friend has leukaemia. He’s dying.”  
  
He could see the sympathy in the girl’s face. He tried to come up with something else to say, something like _‘I was joking, I’m going now’_ and ‘ _I just tripped, don’t mind me’._ But he couldn’t. Instead he could feel hot tears start dripping down his face.   
  
“My little sister died last year. Brain tumour.” the stranger said. Then she just sat down on a rock and kept speaking with a low voice. “It was in a part of the brain that was hard to operate on. And they needed to shrink the tumour with chemo first. But it nearly killed her. And it barely worked. She got so sick I thought she would die, several times.” They sat in silence for a while. The girl’s dog had laid down in front of Jonas, nudging his hand to get him to pet it. Jonas did.   
  
“And then she started coughing up blood and we had to go in to the hospital in the middle of the night. They needed to operate now, if she were to have any chance at all. They really tried their best, but… she didn't make it.” Jonas realised he was still crying, but now he was crying for this girl’s little sister. He kept petting the dog, feeling himself finally calming down a bit.  
  
“He’s a therapy dog. I got him right around the time she got her diagnose. He helped her a lot. And afterward he helped me and my mom. And now he is certified to go on visits to people who need it. I didn't use to be a dog person at all, but having this guy here, it has really helped.” the girl was smiling and Jonas smiled back. Well, it was barely a smile. More like a grimace.   
  
“How did you get over it? How did you keep on living?” he asked.   
  
She was thoughtful for a while. Probably considering her answer. Or maybe she didn't want to answer. He could understand that. Jonas just patted her dog.   
  
“I don’t think I really am over it. I don’t think I ever will be. I just kept busy doing stuff so I wouldn't cry all the time. I just kept moving forwards. I don’t think anyone really gets over losing someone. They just keep moving, trying to forget. But it’s impossible. The only thing you can do is keep moving.”  
  
She was ranting, and Jonas realised she felt the same way he did. There was no getting over this. There was just coping with it. He patted her dog a little more, before getting to his feet. Getting ready to walk back home, he turned and looked at her one last time, to say goodbye. She beat him to the punch, by saying  
  
“You just get out of bed and you keep moving.”  
  
  
And then she and the dog disappeared into the trees.   
  
  
——-  
  
  
Walking into Magnus’ place later that night he didn’t know what to expect. Magnus had put them all in the same group chat and asked them to come to his place. (Everyone, except Isak and Even, who were still in the hospital.   
  
Jonas toed off his shoes and walked into the living room. Most of his friends were already here, so he sat down on the couch next too Mahdi. He nodded to Eva, who sat on the couch on the opposite side of the room, next to Chris. ‘ _Fucking Penetrator-Chris_ ’ he used to think when he saw him. Now he didn't care anymore. As long as he made Eva happy it was fine by him. Vilde and girl-Chris was sitting on a beanbag, whispering quietly.   
  
Sana and Noora arrived, bringing Eskild and Linn with them. When Noora asked Magnus if it was okay that they stayed even if they hadn't been added in the group chat, Magnus had just nodded and smiled. “Yeah Yeah, of course, of course!”  
  
Shortly after they were sitting cramped together on the too small couches, eating pizzas and drinking beers (or sodas). Everyone waited for Magnus to tell why they were here, but no-one nagged him about it, they all enjoyed being together. They hadn't hung out much the last month. They didn't go to parties and no-one talked about being russ anymore. They went to school, and they went home.   
  
“So. I asked you all to come here today because I have been thinking about a thing.” Everyone fell silent. Jonas knew that if Isak had been here, he would have teased Magnus. Maybe said something like ‘ _Congrats Mags, you have discovered a function of the human brain!_ ’. But no-one said anything. They all waited for him to continue. “Right. So. I have taken a lot of time to consider this, but I have decided that I’m not going to be russ this year. Isak isn't here to do it with us, and I won’t do it without him.”  
  
Total silence. Jonas rose to his feet. “I won’t do it either. Not without Isak.”   
  
Mahdi got to his feet. “Not without Isak.” He repeated.   
  
Then Sana rose up. “I am with you, even if I’m not on your buss. I won’t do it without Isak either.”  
  
“Me neither.” Chris chimed in.  
  
Noora and Eva also joined in. At last, Vilde rose.  
  
They expected a long rant about this being their year. About working towards this goal for three years. About celebrating for Isak, because he would have wanted them to enjoy life. They expected protests, having to argue with her. But she just nodded. “Not without Isak.”  
  
They all grabbed their glasses, the older kids who were graduated as well, and lifted them.   
  
“Not without Isak.”  
  
  
————  
  
They ended up sitting around, telling stories about Isak. Not to embarrass him or talk about him behind his back, more like sharing fond memories of a friend. It felt a little weird seeing as he wasn't actually dead. He was at the hospital. But they needed this, needed to be together and talk about their loved one.   
  
Eskild was telling the story about how he had met Isak in a gay bar, two o’ clock in the morning, drunk beyond all comparison. He barely knew his own name and kept denying that he had walked into a gay bar. Everyone was smiling at the story. It was so typical Isak.  
  
Mahdi told the story about the night at Eva’s party in the beginning of second year when Isak had picked up that freshman girl, Emma. Everyone laughed happily.   
  
Eva told them about Isak being there for here when she and Jonas had been fighting. Even if Isak had contributed to make them fight, neither of them blamed him. They had done that by them selves, if wasn't Isak’s fault.   
  
Jonas told them the story about when Isak came out to him. No-one laughed at that, they just smiled fondly.   
  
“Remember that Kosegruppa christmas party when Even told Magnus to just be desperate?” Mahdi laughed. Jonas nodded, laughing himself, watching both Vilde and Magnus getting redfaced and flustered.   
  
“Yeah, but he kind of had a point tho, seeing as these two suckers still are dating.” Jonas said, before taking a sip of his drink. It had been the first mentioning of Even that night. Jonas didn't want to talk about Even. He was still angry at him, despite knowing that none of this was Even’s fault. He used to like Even. He couldn't remember when that had changed. He couldn't remember a lot of things anymore. Things started to blend together. All he could remember were Isak with cancer and Isak without. He would give anything to get back to the time without.   
  
“Yeah, how is Even?” Magnus said, eager to change the topic away from his desperatly-checking-out-Vilde story.   
  
Everyone looked at Jonas, as he had been the only one to see Even alone, without Isak and everyone else around. He didn't know what to say to them. That he had made Even feel even worse about this? But they expected an answer and he wasn't the best liar. He just shrugged. “I shouldn't have visited him I think. I’m pretty sure I made everything worse for him.”  
  
Everyone fell quiet for a while. Jonas felt uncomfortable, and shifted in his seat.   
  
“It’s probably not your fault Jonas. Being bipolar and having to deal with something like this is going to be very hard on Even. You saying the wrong words won’t be the only thing making Even worse. His bipolar diagnose is why he can’t deal with this. Not you guys or Isak or what anyone is saying.” Magnus’ mother had appeared in the door opening, and Jonas lifted his eyes to meet hers, mumbling a thank you.  
  
“You guys just have to be there for him. For Isak. For Even. For both of them.” 

 

————

 

 

The next morning, Jonas got out of bed and walked into the kitchen for some food. Comfort food, preferably. He didn't have a hangover, but he felt like shit. He needed to step up his game, be a better friend for _both_ Isak and Even. As he walked in he saw his mother sitting by the kitchen table, reading a newspaper. He remembered how good it felt getting advise yesterday, both from the stranger in the woods and Magnus’ mother, and decided to ask her for advise. He hadn't talked to her about Isak since he first got diagnosed. He refused to talk to her about it.   
  
It was as if he refused to talk to anyone about it, refused himself to feel it, to cry - it wouldn't be real. But now Isak was dying. He had maybe a month left. Maybe. Nothing was certain, but death. So Jonas’ strategy hadn't worked. He knew he had to find a way to accept what was happening, but he didn't want to. He really didn't want to.  
  
And right now he really wanted his mom. Needed her comforting voice to soothe him.  
  
“Mom? Do you have a sec?”  
  
“Sure sweetie.” she closed the newspaper and motioned for him to sit. “Is this about Isak?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I had a feeling.”  
  
“I just… mom… He’s dying.” Jonas could feel himself crying again. He hadn't cried in front of his mother since he was nine. But now he was. Crying for Isak. Crying for his best friend.  
  
“Sweetie.. Did his cancer get worse?”  
  
“He needs- he needs a marrow transplant and they can’t find any matches. No-one is a match. He only has a month left. One. Thats it.”  
  
“Oh god. I’m so sorry Jonas. I know how much Isak means to you.” she moved around the table, walked behind him and wrapped him up in a hug.  
  
“It hurts so bad mom. I’m not even the one being sick but it still hurts. I know it’s real and that I have to find a way to accept it but every time I try to accept it, think about it, I- I can’t breath, it hurts so bad. Why does it hurt so bad?” he was crying to hard he was hiccuping.   
  
His mother hugged him harder, kissing his cheek and whispered five small words who ended up making him cry even more.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Pain demands to be felt.”

 

 

 

\------

 

_I'd never thought this could ever end,_

_I'd never thought I'd lose my bestfriend,_

_Everything is different now,_

_Can we stop the world from turning?_

 

_I'd never thought I'd have to let you go,_

_I'd Never thought I'd ever feel this low,_

_I Wish I could go back,_

_And we'd stop the world from turning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Can't Take It, The All American Rejects
> 
> \- Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World
> 
> \- All Along The Watchtower, Jaime N Commons
> 
> \- Best Years Of Our Lives, Evan T


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

_Somewhere weakness is our strength, and I'll die searching for it_

_I can't let myself regret, such selfishness_

_My pain and all the trouble caused, no matter how long_

_I believe that there's hope_

_\-----_

 

 

 

A few day later they let Isak go home. They took him of all meds and let him go home to rest. Well, they said it was to rest, but everyone knew it was to die. Isak didn't mind. He had exactly one month left, and he wasn't going to spend it in a hospital or drugged up on meds that made him feel like hell.  
  
He had been off the chemo and meds for a few days now, and was already feeling better.  
  
Even had been released the day before Isak and Lisa had taken him home. Lisa and Anders came to pick Isak up without Even. Isak asked for him but they didn't really answer him. And Even hadn't been to see him since the day their friends visited. 

 

Come to think of it now, it was a bit weird. He knew Even got really down when he was depressed and probably didn't have any strength to come visit, but he would have at least texted or asked his parents to ask for Isak or something. Anything. He always did.   
  
But not this time.  
  
Gathering his things and walking to the car with Lisa and Anders, he decided not to let it ruin his day. He felt so much better now that he wasn't on medication anymore. No, he didn't feel healthy, and he didn't feel fine. He felt okay. But he would take that any day.  
  
  
-  
  
Arriving home, Isak walked into the bedroom, finding it empty. Confused, he turned around and looked at Lisa.   
  
“He’s in the spare bedroom. Wanted to be alone for a bit.” she said, apologetically. Helping him unpack, she suddenly pulled him in for a hug. “They will probably find a donor Isak. You're on the top of the list. Don’t worry about it.” Isak hugged her back, and let out a breath he didn't knew he was holding. He didn't want to tell her that he didn't worry, because he wasn't afraid to die anymore. Having lived like he had the past few months, he didn't fear death anymore. He longed for it, longed for this to be over. But he didn't say it, because he knew it would only make her sad.  
  
Lisa left the room, saying dinner would be in an hour and that she was making lasagna. She paused, and said he could try to go and talk to Even, but to leave the older boy alone if that was what he wished. Isak just nodded his head at her. He didn't leave the bedroom yet. He sat down, and looked around the room. It had been over a week since they last laid in this bed together. And other than the second night in the hospital, Even hadn't slept next to him since then. Isak let himself fall back in the bed, looking at the roof.   
  
It wasn't that he really wanted to die. He wanted to live. But he couldn't go through more chemotherapy, more pain. And even if they found a match he would have to go through more treatments. He wasn't sure of which, but he was pretty sure it wouldn't be pleasant and easy. Nothing in his life had been easy the past few months. 

 

But Even had been there for him. Even had taken care of him, to the point of breaking down. Isak cringed. He hadn't paid enough attention to how Even was feeling. And he knew how horrible Even felt after a manic episode. He got to his feet and moved towards the door. Suddenly remembering he had some weed stashed in a drawer, he went over and got it. Lisa and Anders probably wouldn't mind if he let Even smoke just this once.  
  
  
  
  
Pushing the door open, Isak peeked into the dark room. The curtains were drawn shut and he could spot Even buried under the covers. “Even? May I come in?” he asked, keeping his voice low incase Even had a headache.   
  
When Even didn't answer him, he just walked in anyway. Quietly closing the door behind him, he quickly tip toed across the floor and crawled into bed next to Even. He softly kissed Even’s cheek, but the older boy flinched away, mumbling a monotone “Don’t do that.”  
  
Isak was confused. He didn't understand why Even pushed him away. Usually Even wanted him close when he was depressed. “Why?” he heard himself asking, sounding more defensive than he intended.  
  
“Because you're leaving me.”  
  
The words pricked Isak like a needle. He sat up, pushed himself away from Even. Of course. This was why Even had stayed away since that night. Isak had admitted that he had given up. Not by those exact words, but by accepting that he was dying. And that was of course the last thing an already depressed Even needed.   
  
Why hadn't he thought about that? Why hadn't he thought about anything regarding Even in months? Because he had been hanging over the toilet, puking.  
  
Isak studied his boyfriend’s face. He looked so painful, so desperately sad. Isak didn't know what to say or do to comfort him. Instead, he got of the bed, went over to the window and opened it a little and sat down on the floor. He started making a joint, sitting in silence. Trying to figure out what to say. He couldn’t. There wasn't anything right to say, just wrong. He couldn't promise Even anything at this point, and the one thing Even needed was just that. The promise of a future, together. So Isak stayed silent. And so did Even.   
  
It was first when he lit the joint Even reacted. “What are you doing down there?”  
  
“Smoking a joint.”  
  
“ _What_?”  
  
“You said it yourself. I’m dying.” Isak sounded a lot harsher than he meant to. Scolding himself and trying to pull it together, he quickly added “Sorry. I meant, would you like to join me?”  
  
Even crawled out of bed and sat opposite Isak, accepting the joint when Isak offered him. Isak studied him, from his teary red eyes to his expressionless face. He desperately wanted to hug him, but had a feeling Even wouldn't accept that. Instead he just laid down on the floor, looking up at the roof. They usually did this in their bedroom. Earlier when it was Even’s bedroom they had done it, and in Isak’s room at the flat. It had just become their thing.   
  
  
Even passed him the joint again, and grabbing something to use as an ashtray, he laid down, his head half a metre away from Isak’s head.   
  
Isak figured he should just ignore the space thing and try to comfort Even. But how? What could he say to make this better? Nothing. But he could talk about how he felt. They had promised a long time ago that they would tell each other how they felt. And so Isak did.  
  
“I used to be scared of death, when they first diagnosed me. But then chemo came, and I stopped being able to eat. And suddenly I couldn't do simple stuff, like walking down the street to get something in a store or even take a shower by myself. Suddenly, I was so sick I couldn't leave the bed for days, not even peeing without your help. And that night, when I started throwing up blood, at the same time as I realised that I had failed you, and I was so scared. I was sure that this was the end, and I wouldn't even get to say goodbye to you or know if you would be okay.” he threw a quick glance at Even, trying to read his face. He could still only see sadness.  
  
“But then I woke up in the hospital. And I still felt horrible, and knew I couldn't keep doing this. When the doctor came in and said that the chemo didn't work, I was actually relieved. No more chemo. And when he said I only had a month left if they couldn't find a donor, I felt thankful.”  
  
“Thankful?” Even spat out, venom in his voice. He was angry, Isak realised. But angry was better than sad. He nodded slowly.  
  
“Thankful I got a whole month to say goodbye to you.”   
  
Isak looked at his boyfriend, and watched the emotions go from sad, to angry, to sad again. And then he just started crying. Isak desperately wanted to hug him, but he kept his distance, not wanting to force Even to anything.   
  
“I haven't given up Even. I haven't decided to leave you. But the chances of them finding me a match is so slim, I would be a fool to deny the possibility that I may die. _Because I may die_. That doesn't mean I _want_ to die or _want_ to leave you. It’s just out of my control and I need to accept that.” He didn't add the part about secretly welcoming death, because it would mean getting rid of the pain. He knew Even couldn't handle listening to that. And if Isak was honest, he wasn't sure he could handle it either. He was honest about not wanting to leave Even. He never ever wanted that, not in a million years. But if they didn't find a donor… He would have to.  
  
  
They laid in silence for a long while. Even stopped crying after a while. But neither of them spoke, or tried to touch each other. The joint was long gone. When Isak could feel his back hurt, he got up, grabbed a pillow and laid back down. Then he started rolling another joint.  
  
“I felt like I was losing control. Not just when the mania begun, but from the second you told me about the cancer. It was something I couldn't control, something I couldn't fix for you. It made me feel useless. It made me feel like I was failing you.” Even waited for him to argue, but Isak didn't want to. He wanted to hear what Even had to say.  
  
  
“And then you just got worse and worse, needing me more and more. And this was the one thing I could do. I could take care of you, try to make your days easier. I could be the one trying to ease your pain. And I was careful, going to see my psychiatrist and taking my meds. But then I forgot to renew my prescription. And by then I could already feel myself becoming manic. But I couldn't burden you or my parents with this. You were so sick and they had their hands full. So i figured I could handle it. That maybe it would be easier to help you if I wasn't numbed down by my meds. But they made the pain so much stronger and I couldn’t control it.”   
  
  
He were silent for a while again. They passed the joint back and forwards. Neither one tried to move. They could hear Lisa making food in the kitchen. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, despite Isak desperately wanting to hug his boyfriend. Again, he didn’t. 

 

“And coming to my senses in the hospital, hearing about how you started coughing up blood and having to be rushed to the hospitalin an ambulance, I felt so horrible. I wasn't there for you on your worst, and it was because I couldn't take care of myself. I felt so stupid. The night I snuck out to stay with you, when you told me that _I_ was going to be okay, not saying _we_ anymore, something in me broke. I hadn't been there when you got the news about the cancer the first time, and now I had messed up so I wasn't able to be there the second time either. When the doctor had told you that you didn't have much time left. When the doctor had given you news who made you stop thinking about an _us.”_  
  
Tears were falling from Even’s eyes again. This time they fell from Isak’s eyes too. Even turned around and put his arm around Isak, finally pulling him in for a hug. Isak cried and cried until he could cry no more. And then he found his voice to say one last thing.  
  
  
“We’ll get through this together.”

 

  
When Even’s broken voice answered him just as he got up to leave the room an eat dinner with Lisa and Anders, Isak felt his heart break into a million tiny pieces.  
  
  
“No we won’t.”  
  
——

 

  
“Isak? I think it may be time you go see your parents.” Andreas said as they sat down for dinner. Even had refused to join, feeling to tired. Isak had promised to bring him food later.   
  
Andreas and Lisa had been talking with Isak’s parents the whole way. His dad had even tried to come and see him a few times. Isak had refused. But now he was dying, and holding a grudge against his dad seemed stupid. And he would actually like to see his mother as well, even if she was a nut case. He didn't wanna die without reuniting with his parents.  
  
“Yeah, I know.” he said, poking his food. “Can you come with me?”  
  
  
——-  
  
  
When Isak walked back into the spare bedroom (or maybe he should think of it as Even’s room, even if they still technically shared the other one) with a plate of food, the older boy was sleeping. Deciding to let him sleep, Isak put the food on the nightstand and looked around the room for a while. Despite Even not being in here often, the room had turned very… very Even. Sketchbooks everywhere on the desk, pencils. His clothes in a corner of the room, on the floor. Isak decided to pick them up and fold them. Then he walked over and grabbed a unused sketchbook and a pen. Then he sat back down on the floor, glad that Even had left the pillow from earlier on the floor.  
  
He placed the book and the pen carefully next to him and rolled a new joint while he thought about what he wanted to draw. He wasn't any good at it, Even was the artist between the two of them. But he wanted to draw something for Even.  
  
Most of all he wanted to take Even’s pain away. But that was impossible.   
  
  
Placing the joint on the floor next to him, he started drawing, carefully. He was really shit at this, but it was really entertaining to try. He was so focused that he didn't hear Even leaving the bed before he sat down right next to Isak. Like, as close as he could possibly sit. Isak felt his breath catch in his throat. Even still made him feel like a lovesick puppy with a crush. His stomach was fluttering and he could feel himself blushing. “Hey.” Even whispered, voice rugged with sleep. “What are you drawing?” Even grabbed the joint and light it up, leaning his head briefly on Isak’s shoulder. Isak waited for him to take a drag, before he took it from Even to have one himself. He handed Even the drawing in exchange.  
  
He had drawn a similar drawing as Even used to do, with this universe and a parallel one. He had drawn them, laying on the floor. Only difference was that in this universe Isak was bald and in the parallel he had hair. He had written ‘CANCERKID’ on himself in this world and not in the parallel on. On the bottom he had written   
  
_“To my beautiful Even  
  
  
I fell in love with you like one falls asleep. Slowly, and then all at once.  
  
  
Your Isak”  
_  
  
  
He could se Even smiling, catching the reference. It faded as quickly as it had appeared. Isak knew that a stupid drawing wasn't going to fix Even. But seeing him smile, if only for a second, made it totally worth it.  
  
Flopping down on his back, he passed the joint back to Even. As he expected, Even laid down next to him. Closer this time. Isak turned over and put an arm around Even’s waist, putting his head on Even’s arm. They finished the joint in silence, then just kept laying there. The sun went down and they just stayed on the floor.   
  
“Where do you think we go when our bodies die?” Even asked. The room was pitch black and Isak couldn't see a thing. He shifted a little against Even, and felt Even shift a little too.  
  
“I’ve never thought about that.”  
  
“You have accepted dying, but never thought about what happens when you do?”  
  
“We’ll, I mean, I’ve never believed in a life after death you know? I’ve never believed in God.” Isak felt uncomfortable talking about God. His mother had gone of the rails so many times, lecturing him about God again and again.   
  
Even didn't say anything, so Isak kept talking. “I mean, these last few weeks I wished I believed. I wished I had something to believe in. Like if I had, it would make things easier. It would make this easier.”  
  
Even wrapped his arms around him now, and hugged him tight. Isak hugged back. He melted into Even’s embrace. For a guy who didn't work out much, Even was pretty strong and well muscled. Isak felt safe in his embrace, like Even could protect him from the evils of the world. He wished that was true. He wished to God that it could be true.  
  
  
  
_Send your dreams_

_Where nobody hides_

_Give your tears_

_To the tide_

_No time_

_No time_

_There's no end_

_There is no goodbye_

_Disappear_

_With the night_  
  
  
  
——-  


(Three weeks earlier)  
  
“Don’t hit them with it you dork!” Isak laughed, hitting his boyfriend’s arm lightly, watching him trying to feed ducks with sliced bread, but kept throwing it so it landed on the ducks heads.   
  
“I’m trying NOT to!” Even exclaimed, waving his arms at Isak, trying to make a point or something. Isak just laughed at him. Today was a good day. They were sitting on a bench next to the water, feeding ducks. Isak was feeling fine today. He had even eaten a cheese toast for breakfast. It was a good day. “If you're so much better at it, do it yourself then!” Even laughed, handing Isak the bag of bread. Lisa had sliced it up in tiny pieces for them and sent them out the door with an order to ‘ _have fun!_ ’   
  
And they were having fun. Isak grabbed the bag and threw bread to the ducks without hitting them on the head. Smirking at his boyfriend he threw some more. “Show-off” Even muttered acting insulted. Isak leaned over and kissed him. On the mouth. Not caring if anyone around them saw.   
  
When he pulled away and Even gave him a surprised look, he just shrugged his shoulders. “I have cancer. I can do whatever I want.”   
  
And then he kept feeding the ducks.  
  
  
-  
  
Isak was in the bathroom, throwing up. He hated throwing up, and it didn't exactly get any better by doing it more often. His body shock with the pain of dry heaving when there was nothing more in his stomach to throw up but his body kept forcing him to gag and heave.   
  
But Even. Even was there, stroking his back carefully. Handing him a cold washcloth. Wiping his sweaty brow tenderly. Carrying him back to bed when his legs wouldn't carry him.   
  
-  
  
At night, if Isak was in too much pain to sleep, Even stayed awake with him, discussing the parallel universes and the future they both dreamed of. On one of those nights they talked about their feelings when it came to funerals.   
  
“I hate them.” Even said, point blank.   
  
“Yeah? Why is that?”  
  
“It depresses me. It means that someone is gone, someone I cared about is gone forever and I will never see them again.” Even had lost his uncle when he was younger. He had died in a car-accident. Isak didn't know much about it because no-one would tell him more than that. They just wanted to forget. He didn't push it.   
  
“I feel like funerals are for the living. To give them a closure. Letting them grieve. Reminding them that they had the privilege to love someone.” he said.  
  
“Yeah. Maybe.”  
  
“You will attend mine, right? Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but when I eventually die, you know.”  
  
“Of course. So that I will be able to say what you just said.”  
  
“What part?”  
  
“I’m going to walk up to the podium, and I’m going to say: ‘I had the privilege of loving Isak Valtersen’, and then I will probably break down in tears and sit back down. Or die right there on the spot.”  
  
“Your’re a bit of a dork, you know that? I mean, ‘The Fault In Our Stars?’”  
  
“But you love me.”  
  
“I do. I love you so much Even Bech Næsheim.”  
  
\- 

  
Sitting in the bathroom was becoming a routine for them now. Isak had just been to chemo and could already feel the nausea press on. He was sitting in Even’s lap, waiting for the horror to start. Even was leaning against the wall, holding Isak tight to his chest. Trying to distract him.  
  
“Isak Valtersen. Would you do me the honour of marrying me, someday?” Even asked, voice sounding a bit too sincere to be joking. Isak turned to look at him.  
  
“Are you proposing to me on the bathroom floor, when I’m about to puke my guts out?” he wrinkled his nose in disgust.   
  
“No I am not. I’m asking you if you will say yes if I ask you one day.”   
  
Isak thought for a second. Well, no. He pretended to think about it to see if he could make Even squirm. He could. He could see the older boy being uncomfortable and stressed out by not receiving an immediate answer. He grinned brightly, feeling Even automatically relax as he did.  
  
“Of course I would, you goof.”  
  
  


——-  
  
  
(Present day)  
  
  
  
Sitting in the kitchen of his childhood home, Isak felt a little uncomfortable. His mother had made a fuss about him wearing a snap back indoors. His father had told her to leave it. Andreas and Lisa was making smalltalk with Isak’s parents right now. Even had stayed home and Isak was kind of glad. He didn't know which way this could go, so better Even didn't get in the middle of it if it went badly. Besides, he doubted Even would have the energy to come with them.  
  
“So..” his dad started, unsure of what to say obviously. Isak had shut him out for months so he understand why his dad was unsure.  
  
“So I’m dying.” Isak said simply. He knew he should probably have eased it a little bit on his mother, but he couldn't find another way to break the news. “The cancer isn't responding to chemo and they can’t find anyone for a marrow-transplant. No matches. So I’m dying.”   
  
His mother broke down crying and his father looked conflicted between comforting her and wanting to hug Isak. Hugging Isak won. Isak tensed up at first, but decided to let his dad hug him.   
  
When things finally calmed down a bit, Lisa and Anders explained thing more as Isak sat in his dad’s lap. He felt like a little kid again, but he didn't mind. It felt nice to sit there, listening to the grown ups talk.   
  
His parents both wanted to go and get tested the next morning. His mother couldn't. They had put her on new meds, and even if she stopped taking them now she couldn't be a candidate for over a month. By then Isak would be dead. But his dad was going in to get tested at least. Isak found himself desperately hoping his dad would be a match. But he knew it was a slim chance. A very slim chance.  
  
  
—-  
  
  
When they arrived back at the apartment, Lisa and Anders dropped Isak of and said they would be back in an hour, they just needed to do some shopping. (And could he please make sure Even ate some lunch?)  
  
Isak walked up the stairs, unlocked the door and walked in. Closing the door and removing his jacket he called out “Honey I’m home” as a joke. He got no reply.  
  
He could hear clattering and a “Shit!” coming from the bathroom. Confused, he walked down the hall and pushed open the door. “Even?”  
  
As the door swung open he could se Even sitting on the floor, a razor lying next to him and blood dripping from his wrist. “Even!” The cut looked deep and there were a lot of blood on the floor already. Why was Even doing this? And why hadn't Isak picked up on him being suicidal? Searching his mind for clues he found none. This came right out of nowhere.   
  
He quickly found a clean towel and pressed it firmly against Even’s arm, ignoring his protests and cries. He called an ambulance, listening to the lady on the phone tell him what to do. Which was exactly the same thing he was already doing, keeping pressure on the wound and hold it high. “What the hell are you doing?” he demanded, glaring at his boyfriend, forcing Even to look him in the eye.  
  
Even just started sobbing. “I don’t want to live without you. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to watch you die.”   
  
Isak felt his heart break at the sight of his beautiful boyfriend falling apart in front of him. And all he could do was pulling him into his arms and holding on tight, waiting for Even’s sobs to calm down.  
  
  
-  
  


They made a deal. Isak wouldn't tell Lisa and Anders if Even agreed to go to his psychiatrist the following day. They made up a story about dropping a kitchen knife while doing the dishes. The doctor in the emergency room obviously didn't believe them but Isak pulled her aside and promised they were going to get help the next day. He wasn't sure if it were his awesome persuading skills or just the fact that he was a dying cancer kid and that she felt sorry for them. Either way, they were allowed to go home when Even was all stitched up. The cut hadn't been that deep. They took the buss back home, trying to make up a story to tell Lisa and Anders.  
  
“What about if I say I wanted to see Jonas?” Isak suggested and put his hand on Even’s.  
  
Even quickly withdrew his hand and stared out of the window, away from Isak. “They knew you were tired so it would make no sense that you’d go to him instead of getting him to come to you.”

  
“Right.”  
  
“How about we went for a walk since you felt better and I wanted to see the park because I’m dying?”  
  
“Please stop talking about you dying Isak.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s not your fault, you didn't choose this. I just can’t handle you saying it, saying that you're dying. It makes the situation worse, hearing your voice speak those words.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Stop saying you're sorry.” Even snapped at him. Even never snapped at Isak before. He hadn't done it once. Ever.  
  
Isak stopped answering and they sat in silence for the rest of the bus ride. When they got of the bus he just follow Even to the apartment and when they walked in the door and Lisa and Anders begun asking a million questions, he just walked right past them and into the bedroom, leaving this mess to Even. He could figure out the story by himself.  
  
Even was obviously still not able to accept this. Not that Isak had expected him to, but he hadn't expected him to become this harsh, this mean. Treating Isak like it was his fault he was dying, like he was doing it on purpose. Isak didn't know what to do. No matter how depressed Even had been before, he had never pushed Isak away, snapped at him, become this mean. It hurt. He thought they were good after their talk yesterday, he thought Even was on the road to get better. He thought they had made some progress. Hearing him screaming at his parents out in the hall now, screaming bloody murderer, not even using words anymore, Isak realised that this was not the case.   
  
Not being able to sit in the room and listen to this anymore, he had to get out of here. This was all too much for him to bear. He didn't know what to do for Even, how to help him. Realising it was only one thing he could do, he stuffed a few things from his drawer in his pockets. Then he opened the door and stepped out in the hall, looking at Even, Lisa and Anders.   
  
“Isak, please honey, go back to your room, Anders and I can take care of this.” Lisa quickly said.   
  
Isak shook his head. “I’ll go and sleep at Jonas’ place tonight.” he said, walking towards the door.  
  
“Isak, no..” Lisa said.   
  
“You live here Isak, you don't have to leave.” Anders supplied.  
  
Isak ignored them both, pulling his jacket on. “It’s okay, I’ll just text Jonas to come and meet me.”  
  
He opened the door and started walking out, when he could hear a broken whisper behind him. “Isak, please.”  
  
He turned around and looked at Even. Really looked at him. He could see a broken down kid. Almost a man but not quite yet. Broken down in tiny pieces with no way to fix it. Red eyes and a sad face, tears dripping. All he wanted to do was to run over to him and hug him, never let him go. Instead he walked out the door, not looking back.  
  


 

 

 

\-----

  
  
_I'm holding on your rope_

_Got me ten feet off the ground_

_And I'm hearing what you say, but I just can't make a sound_

_You tell me that you need me_

_Then you go and cut me down, but wait_

_You tell me that you're sorry_

_Didn't think I'd turn around, and say_

_That it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

_I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

_I'd take another chance, take a fall_

_Take a shot for you_

_And I need you like a heart needs a beat_

_But it's nothing new, yeah, yeah_

_I loved you with a fire red_

_Now it's turning blue, and you say_

_Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you_

_But I'm afraid  
_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Let The Flames Begin, Paramore
> 
> \- Wait, M83
> 
> \- Apologize, OneRepublic


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

Isak had texted Lisa later that night.   


 

 

FROM ISAK TO LISA  
_At Jonas’. Coming with Even to therapy tomorrow, pick me up on the way there._

 

_  
  
_ She had responded by calling him, like a worried mother. He loved that about her. He loved _her_. She had taken responsibility for him when he got sick, and she acted like she was his actual mother. He liked that. She wanted him to come home. She insisted that he lived with them and he belonged there. He said they could see after the session tomorrow. He said he'd stay at Jonas's place until Even was a little better. She accepted it, barely. He loved her for that.  


 

Isak was laying on his back on Jonas’ floor. Jonas was sitting in the windowsill, he didn’t share Isak’s fascination with laying on the floor. Isak didn’t mind. He just enjoyed being in Jonas’ company. They were smoking and listening to music. Some weird top 40 shit.

 

It seemed like him being near Even now wasn't good for Even. He had thought about it a lot the past twelve hours. Isak being in the Bech Næsheim residence was making Even worse. It had been bad when he was sick, but now, with him dying, it was too much. He could see it on Lisa and Anders’ faces as well. It was a bit too much for them too.   
  
Jonas had welcomed him in with a happy face and Jonas’ mother had hugged him and told him that everything was going to be fine and then she made them snacks. Everyone kept trying to get Isak to eat. This time he managed to keep the food down. _No chemo, score_.  
  
  
“So he was just screaming?”  
  
“Yeah. Not even actual words, just this gut wrenching awful sound. It was kind of terrifying, I’ve never seen him this upset before.”  
  
“Dude, you’re dying. And he already feels emotions so much deeper than the rest of us.”  
  
“I know. I know, Jonas.”  
  
“But do you, really? Have you really sat down to think about this for a second, thinking from only his perspective?”  
  
“I… not really no.” 

  
  
“From what I have understood from talking to Magnus and his mother, this is really bad Isak. I know that if it had been me, I wouldn’t have made it. I think I would’ve never stopped crying, and the hurt would be so all-consuming that I would have drugged myself into oblivion. Probably tried to kill myself, again and again until I succeeded.”  
  
Silence. Isak suddenly felt ashamed. How could it be that Jonas, who didn’t actually like Even that much, had thought about this when Isak hadn’t? Isak studied Jonas’ face. He was such a good person. Always putting everyone else first. Taking care of everyone. But this was obviously hard on Jonas’ too. Why hadn't he told Isak before?  
  
  
“You never told me that this was so hard on you.”  
  
“I didn’t want to upset you.”  
  
“But you seemed so together, so calm, so … you.”  
  
“I get it out when you’re not around.”  
  
“Get it out how?”  
  
“I run, Isak. I run and I scream. I run until I can’t take another step and I scream until my lungs won’t let me scream no more. That gut wrenching scream you talk about? I know that sound. I make that sound too. Because when it gets really bad, it’s the only thing I can do. Scream.”   
  
Silence.  
  
“Shit. I’m so sorry Jonas.”  
  
“Don’t think about it. Worry about Even. Because the feelings I have, the hurt in my chest not wanting to let go, the feelings that I can never escape, Even has it a million times worse.”  
  
“I… I…”  
  
“I met a girl in the woods a week or so ago. She told me about losing her younger sister to cancer. She looked like she had managed to move on. But when I asked her, do you know what she answered?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You never get past anything like this. You just keep moving.”  
  
  
Silence.  
  
  
“And for Even, I don’t think he could move if you died. I think the pain would be so great that he wouldn’t be able to breathe, let alone move. The rest of us will have to force ourselves out of bed every morning and just keep moving. But Even? This would kill him.”  
  
“So what are you saying? That I should give up trying to help him, because it won’t help anyway? Or that I need to do more? Because I just told you about him snapping at me and telling me to back off, so there’s really nothing I can do right now.”  
  
“You being there for him as long as you can is probably good for him. Despite him pushing you away right now. Remember he is hurting, probably fighting depression on top of everything else. Give him time, show him you still love him. Maybe it will help him in the long run. But he won’t make it if you die Isak. He won’t. No matter how much therapy you force him to go to right now. You dying will ultimately mean him dying as well.”  
  
  
  
  
———  
  
  
  
  
Isak had been to see Even’s psychiatrist once before. Even had suggested that he should go and talk to her when he first started chemo. She had tried to make him forgive his parents and pestered him about ‘thinking happy thoughts’. On top of his already mixed disapproving feelings about ‘shrinky’ people, this made him refuse to go again.   
  
  
But here he was again, sitting in a chair in front of this woman. He didn't really care anymore, about her questioning him and stuff. He was here to help Even. And he knew she was the one person who could help him.  
  
Isak had told her most of what had happened since right before they both ended up in the hospital. Leaving out the most intimate parts and the smoking part. Even had supplied a few words here and there, but mostly he had left it to Isak. Glancing over at his boyfriend now, Isak could see Even staring out of the window.   


Debating whether or not he should try to grab Even’s hand, he bit his lip. The psychiatrist chose this moment to speak. “Even? You have to actually talk yourself if this is going to help. You know that.”  
  
Even didn't react. 

 

“Why did you try to kill yourself last night Even?”  
  
“I didn't want to be left behind.”  
  
“So you wanted to leave Isak behind, leave him alone in this? Don’t you think that’s kind of selfish?”   
  
Isak couldn't believe this woman. He didn't know that much about helping people with mental-illness, but he knew that making them feel guilty was not the way to go.  
  
_“I don't care anymore.”_  


Hearing Even say those words, even if he was sick, killed Isak a little on the inside. He knew it was just the darkness talking, the depression. He knew not to take it personally right now - Even was in a really bad place. But he also felt like him being here was not good for either of them. So Isak got up from his chair. “I’ll just wait outside.”  
  
  
And then he left.  
  
  
———  
  
  
(Four weeks earlier)  
  
The only good part about Isak being too sick to do anything but lay still, was that they were able to watch a ton of movies. So they were in the middle of the process of watching all the movies Even wanted Isak to see. Which were a lot. Isak doubted he would ever manage to get through the list, even if the lived until he was 170 years old. The list were really long. But he didn't complain, it was nice. And most of the movies were good too.   
  
“‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’ What movie?”  
  
“I don’t know?”  
  
“You don’t know? As a gay man, you don’t know?!”  
  
“I’m not certain I am one hundred percent gay, remember I used to have a girlfriend, plus I don't like do define my sexuality and no I don’t.”  
  
“I finally did it. I finally found a classic you haven't seen.” Isak was smirking in triumph. _Who the hell hadn’t see Brokeback Mountain?!_  
  
“Tell me which one it is. Tell me, tell me, tell me!” Even was nearly bouncing in his seat.   
  
Isak just curled himself together under the blanket and smirked at his boyfriend. They were for once not attached at the hip, sitting in opposite couches, and he kind of missed sharing just one. Which gave him an idea. “If you come and sit behind me, I’ll tell you.”  
  
“But we agreed sit like this in case mom comes home. You know how fast my hand start to wander when I have you pressed up against me…”  
  
“Then I’m not telling you which movie I quoted.”  
  
“But. But. But. This is blackmail.”  
  
“Yes” Isak smiled devilishly.   
  
“FINE. I’ll come. But tell me, so we can watch it.”   
  
“FINE.” Isak imitated, before adding with a shrug, “it’s Brokeback Mountain.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Oh what? Have you seen it?”  
  
“No. I heard it was so sad, I didn’t dare.” Even smiled sheepishly.   
  
Isak remembered with a pang of guilt that his boyfriend felt pain and heartache so much stronger than others. “Sorry. We can watch something else.”  
  
“Is it any good?”  
  
“Yeah, I like it. But it is kind of sad.”  
  
“We’ll watch it.”  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“I’ll be fine. Just hold my hand.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
  
  
——-  


  
  
(Present day)  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 11.23

Sorry I left earlier. Are you okay?

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21

I love you Even, please be safe.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK 03.27

What does it matter? You’re leaving me anyway.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN 07.18

Please talk to us today at the appointment. We can’t help you when you won’t talk.

 

———  


  
Isak didn't really feel good about giving this another try. He didn't like this lady, he didn't like how she spoke to Even. He had talked with Lisa on the phone about it last night, but she had told him that it was part of the process. She had been going with Even to these sessions a lot of times over the years, and whatever this woman was thinking with this, it always worked out. Something about forcing Even to snap out of it. Isak decided to accept it. Accepting it didn't mean he had to like it. Which he didn’t.  
  
  
And still, here he was, sitting next to Even. (Well, in the chair next to Even, about two meters away) And Even hadn't said a single word. Not one. Nothing. He was just staring out of the window, ignoring them completely. His psychiatrist had tried to get him to speak for nearly an hour now. Their time was soon up.   
  
He debated wether he should try to say something himself. Try to speak to Even himself. Maybe spark some flame, making Even say something, anything. But then he remembered how Even had snapped at him the last time they talked. How he was screaming after. How it had torn Isak’s soul apart. And Isak decided to stay quiet.  


  
———-

FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 10.17

I really wish you would have talked, but I loved seeing you today.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21  
  
I love you Even <3

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 08.24

I’m running a little late, but I will try to be there on time. I love you.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 10.59

We can’t keep going like this Even. I think you should maybe go alone to the next appointment. Actually talk to her. Please do that, for yourself. For your parents. For me.  


 

  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21

I love you Even <3  


 

———

  
Isak was sitting on Jonas’ bed, his legs crossed. He was watching Jonas who were concentrating on writing something on his laptop. Isak hadn't asked him what, and he wasn't sure he wanted to either. Jonas’ brow was furrowed and he seemed frustrated with whatever it was. Probably schoolwork. Isak got to his feet, and walked over to the surround system. He plugged in his phone and searched around until he found the song he wanted to listen to.   
  
  
_  
Excuse me for a while_

_While I'm wide eyed_

_And I'm so damn caught in the middle_

_I've excused you for a while_

_While I'm wide eyed_

_And I'm so down caught in the middle  
  
_  
  
  
He sat back down, crossed his legs and pulled out a joint. Jonas had turned his head to look at him when he had turned on the music, and Isak could feel Jonas still looking. He was about to comment on it, when Jonas closed his computer, rose from his chair, opened the window and came over, sitting next to Isak.   
  
  
_And a lion, a lion, roars would you_

_Not listen, if a child, a child cries_

_Would you not listen  
  
  
  
_ Isak passed Jonas the joint, scooted closer to him, and laid his head on his best friend’s shoulder. Jonas accepted the joint and put his own head against Isak’s. And then they just sat there. Smoking a joint. And Isak found himself wishing he was smoking with Even. He loved being with Jonas. He enjoyed being here, feeling calm and happy. But he missed his boyfriend. And he knew his days were numbered, so every day spent away from Even was a day less to say goodbye.   
  
But Even wasn't the only goodbye he had to say. He had felt worse the last few days. He hadn't told anyone, not wanting to go to the hospital, losing his opportunity to enjoy his last few days. He wanted to go see his friends. He wanted to go see his parents. He wanted to say proper goodbyes.   
_  
  
  
Excuse me for a while, turn a blind eye_

_With a stare caught right in the middle_

_Have you wondered for a while_

_I have a feeling deep down_

_You're caught in the middle  
_

 

_  
  
_ “Jonas?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I need your help with something.”  
  
“Sure, what?”  
  
“I want to go home and speak to mom and dad. And I want to go and see our friends, one at a time. And if he lets me, I want to move back home, to dad. And I need you to come with me, incase I get sick and need any help.” “And for moral support.”  
  
“Always.” _  
_

 

_  
  
Yeah and man seem so strong_

_Yeah man speak so long_

_Man never been so wrong  
  
_

——

 

FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 05.03  
  
I can’t sleep, cuz sleep is the cousin of death.   
I need you.

 

  


FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 05.06

When is the appointment today?

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 05.07

10.30am

 

  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 05.18  
  
I’ll be there.  


 

——-

 

Even wasn't speaking this time either. They had been sitting in silence for ten minutes already. This time the psychiatrist hadn't said anything either. Isak realised she tried to wait Even out. Hoping the silence would make him burst. Isak didn't have faith in that. If Even didn't want to talk he simply just didn’t. He wasn't a child you could trick. And Isak couldn't waste his time and energy sitting here, watching Even disappear in front of his eyes. He got up to leave again, not saying anything this time, just preparing to walk to the door.

“No.” Even suddenly turned around in his chair. Isak stopped and turned around as well, meeting Even’s eyes. He could se that he was crying. This was the first time Even had looked at Isak since that night, and Isak met those pretty blue eyes with a weak smile. Even tugged on his hand, telling him to “sit”. So he did.  
  
The silence returned, and stretched on. They just waited for Even to speak. And eventually he did.  
  
“I’m afraid. I’m afraid to loose Isak. I know that people deal with this every day, losing someone they love. But I can’t take anymore loss. I have fought so hard to pull my life together and Isak is the glue that holds me in place. I need him to stay alive. And I know this is out of our control, but when he gave up, something in me broke.” Even looked so vulnerable and small. Isak grabbed his hand, wanting to say something, anything. Even caught his eye and shook his head. Pulled his hand out of Isak’s. Isak let him. “I know that death is part of life. I know the possibility of us staying together forever is only that; a possibility. But I also know deep down that I really want to stay with Isak forever. I want us to buy a house and adopt kids and have a dog. I want us to live. And if Isak can’t live to make the choice wether he wants to be part of my life or not, I don’t want to live either.”  
  
There were silence for a while.  
  
“But why did you try to kill yourself Even? Isak isn't dead yet. He they might find a donor. All hope isn't lost yet.”  
  
“I didn't want to watch the love of my life die. I didn't want to be the one left behind.”  
  
“So you wanted to leave Isak behind, leave him alone in this?”  
  
“No, no, absolutely not!”  
  
“But that’s what would’ve happened. He would have been left alone if you died.”  
  
“I didn't think about it that way. All I can think about is being left behind.”  
  
“No. You didn’t. You just let those emotions of darkness take you. You let them control you and you didn't even think about what would have happened. You guys still have a shot at a life together. Wether Isak gets a marrow transplantation or not, you guys still have time together. Use it. Don't waste it on sitting here, being angry at the situation. Go out, live. And if things take a bad turn, I’ll be here Even. And you can come back, and we’ll talk about how to live on, how to move past something like this. But right now, the best thing for you is leaving this office and appreciate the time you have left with you beautiful boyfriend. Stop acting so selfishly.”  
  
“Fuck you.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
Even rose from his chair. “Don’t you dare turn this around and make me out to be some kind of asshole! I am fucking bipolar. It means that when something hurts me, I feel it thousand times more powerful than you. _I fucking hurt._ And you're sitting there, criticising that hurt, telling me I’m an asshole. Fuck you.”  
  
And then Even stormed out.  
  
——-  
  


FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 12.06  
  
I’m sorry about earlier.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 12.46  
  
Isak, please.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 13.58  
  
Isak. Please answer me so I know that you are okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.50  
  
I love you. Please be okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 20.59  
  
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.  
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.  
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.   
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21  
  
I love you too, Even.  
  
——  
  
Isak and Jonas started early that morning. Well, early for them. They got up, got dressed and walked to the bus-stop. They were going to eat breakfast at Isak’s dad’s place. Isak had called his dad yesterday and asked if he and Jonas could come. His dad invited him and Jonas to breakfast, saying he was going to get Isak’s mom to come and that he had some news. Isak figured this meant that he got the results back. He would finally know if he was certainly die or probably die.   
  
He didn't know how to feel about that.   
  
  
  
Sitting next to Jonas on the bus, he let his mind drift back to the doctor appointment yesterday. It had been his first without Lisa, Anders or Even by his side. Instead he had both Jonas and Jonas’ mother. She had driven them, happy that they had asked her to come. It had been Jonas’ idea to ask. They needed an adult, and getting a ride was always good. Isak was happy to have her there. She was nice to him, and took care of him. Much like Lisa usually did. But he missed Lisa so much. And Anders. Most of all Even.  
  
The doctor had ran all the usual tests. Telling Isak what he already knew deep down. He was getting worse. It was at a point where the doctor wasn't even sure if a marrow transplant could save him. His body was shutting down, and soon his organs would fail. Time was running out, minute by minute.  


  
  
They walked in the front door together, Jonas helping Isak taking of his jacket and hanging it up. They walked into the kitchen and sat down by the table. Isak’s parents were smiling. Said they had some news. Isak said he did too. Their faces fell as they looked at him and Jonas.  
  
And then Isak just told them. Told them about the checkup. Told them about Even. Told them about everything. Isak’s mother had got up to hug him. Crying and whispering “my beautiful boy” over and over. When she finally calmed down Isak’s dad spoke in a low voice.   
  
“I’m a match.”  


 

  
——-  


 

  
JONAS POV  
  
Jonas bent down and knocked on Eva’s window. She opened it and let both Jonas and Isak in, hugging the latter. “Hey, what about me?” Jonas joked, making her glare at him. They hadn't spoken about the last time he climbed in her window. About the crying and screaming. They both preferred it that way. He flopped down on her bed and watched as Isak sat down awkwardly. Eva just stood there, in the middle of the room.   
  
Isak and Jonas had made a plan to go see all their friends today. They decided to start with Eva. She had been their friend the longest, and Jonas knew Isak missed her the most. And now they would never get any more time, time to make up it. It made him want to scream again. But he couldn't scream now, Isak was here.  
  
“Why are you here?”  
  
Jonas could see that she already knew. She knew they were here to say goodbye. But like himself, she couldn't accept it either. Death. The death of their best friend.  
  
“To visit you. Do we need a reason?” Jonas said, trying to keep some humour in his voice.   
  
It failed. “You two haven’t visited me for a long time. We stopped doing this” she gestured at the three of them “during first year.”  
  
“Isak is dying. Good enough?” Jonas all but snapped. It wasn't a really a snap, more a short, quick reply. With an angry undertone. A statement of fact. A horrible statement who made his blood run cold and his spine tingle and his stomach turn.  
  
“Good enough.” She sat down next to Isak, hugging him awkwardly. Jonas could see the hurt. He could feel the room exploding with it. They used to be happy, the three of them. Goofing around, enjoying life. Having a good time. Like when they had been at the cabin, or hanging out in the skating-park. Life had been so good one second, and the next, it was gone. Now everything wad hurting and depressing and horrible.  
  
Isak hadn’t said anything, so Jonas nudged him with his foot. “If you wanna leave, we leave.” He didn’t care if Eva heard or what she thought it meant. He only cared about Isak.  
  
“I’m fine.” Isak said, taking a deep breath, before turning to face Eva. “I just came from my house. My dad is a match.”  
  
“Isak that’s wonderful!”  
  
“Maybe. They don’t know if my body can take it. They ran some tests at the hospital yesterday. My body is shutting down.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“I know. I just wanted to tell you in person. I wanted to tell you, and see you, and say goodbye.”  
  
“Isak, you’ll make it. You have to believe you’ll make it.”  
  
“I don’t want to be naïve. I might die. I feel like I’m already dead. I dunno.”  
  
“Isak.”  
  
Jonas had watched them talk, but now he sat up, having an idea. “How about we throw you a funeral? Like they do in all those movies. So you can be a part of the funeral, so all our friends can say their goodbyes. So that you don’t have to think about the goodbye-part anymore, but rather focus on the fighting to live part.” Going to all of their friends houses one by one would take so much time and more energy than Isak had. He could see how exhausted Isak was right now, and this was their first stop. Isak tried to hide the truth from Jonas, hide how bad he was feeling. “And this way, we could save some time and energy today, and you can move in with your dad today instead of tomorrow.”  
  
“I..”  
  
“I think that sounded like a good idea actually” Eva said.  
  
“Okay. Fine. I’m not sure if we should include Even, he is still walking on a thin line between oblivion and dealing.”  
  
“I actually think it would be good for him.” Jonas said.   
  
“Me too.” Eva chimed in.  
  
“… What would be good about talking more about me dying?”  
  
“Him seeing that the rest of us is also struggling.” Eva answered, matter-of-factly. “That he’s not alone in this.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Okay. Let’s do it then.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
————-  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.23  
  
Moved back to my dad’s place. Will come for my stuff tomorrow.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.24  
  
Please don’t give up on me

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.35  
  
I’m not. But me being there makes this too hard for you.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.37  
  
You not being here makes it impossible for me.

 

 

FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.59  
  
I’m so sorry Even. 

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 17.02  
  
When is your appointment tomorrow?

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 17.03  
  
9am.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 17.05  
  
One more try.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 17.47  
  
Thank you. 

 

————-

 

_“Hey.”  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hungry?”  
  
“What time is it?”  
  
“Around.. Ten thirty or something.”  
  
“I should leave.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I don’t want you to lie here and feel like you have to look after me.”  
  
“I don’t feel like I’m looking after you.” “And why… Why is that wrong?”  
  
“There is nothing wrong with it.” “I just can’t stand that you lie here all sad.”  
  
“I’m not sad.”  
  
“I just know that this isn't going to work out.”  
  
“Why do you say that?”  
  
“Because it’s true. I’m just going to.. To hurt you. And then you’ll hate me.”  
“No.” “You don’t know shit about how this is going to end. I mean, we might get a nuclear bomb dropped on our heads tomorrow and… And… Then discussing this is just a waste of time, so.. I suggest that you just screw talking about the future, and then the two of us will just take this thing completely chill.” “Let’s play a game. It goes like this… It’s called ‘Isak and Even: Minute by Minute’. It… It’s about that, the only thing we need to worry about, is the next minute. You up for it?”  
  
“… Okay.” “What should we do this minute then?”  
  
“This minute we’ll kiss.”  
  
“That’s chill.”  
  
“That’s chill.”  
_  
  
———

 

 

“I’m sorry Isak.” Even said as soon as they sat down in the psychiatrist’s office. Isak looked at Even. He looked like shit. He looked like he hadn't slept for days. He probably hadn’t. He probably hadn't eaten anything either. 

 

Isak felt a pang of guilt. He should have forced Even to talk to him, gone back to his new home, Even’s home, and forced his boyfriend to talk. He should have been a better boyfriend, instead of laying on Jonas’ floor day in and day out, smoking weed. But the again, it was exactly what Isak had needed to do. Isak had needed to be at Jonas’. Isak had needed to let Even heal alone. Even had needed it too.  
  
Now, this was what Isak needed to do. “You’ve got nothing to apologise for.”  
  
“But I do. I fucked up. I’ve wasted so many days, days I could have spent with you. I almost lost my chance to be there for you through the end. I love you so much, and come what may, I want to stand next to you.”  
  
  
  
_Remember those walls I built_

_Well, baby, they're tumbling down_

_And they didn't even put up a fight_

_They didn't even make a sound_  
  
  
“I love you too.” Isak whispered, feeling tears pressing on. Even was here, willing to be by his side no matter what. He needed to tell Even about the hospital, about his dad being a match. He hadn't done that yet. In fear of Even’s reaction. But he needed to know. And maybe here, with help nearby, would be a good place. “I need to tell you something.”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“You have to promise to stay calm, or I won’t tell you. We can’t have another week like this.”  
  
“I promise.”  
  
“Don’t just say that to make me speak. Actually mean it. Promise me. Swear it.”  
  
“I swear.”  
  
“I… I was at the hospital two days ago. For a checkup. My body is shutting down. They’re not sure if even a transplant is enough now. If my kidneys shut down I…”  
  
“Isak.” Even’s voice was a broken whisper. Tearful and filled with sorrow. Their time was up. There was no more time. They both knew it.  
  
But Isak was damn well going to fight until the end. “But my dad is a match. And we’re going in for a marrow transplantation in three days. I’m fighting Even. I’m fighting for my life. For our life.”

  
_  
  
Everywhere I'm looking now  
I'm surrounded by your embrace  
Baby, I can see your halo  
You know you're my saving grace  
  
  
_ Even grabbed his hand. “I’ll fight with you. Every last step.”

 

_You're everything I need and more  
It's written all over your face  
Baby, I can feel your halo  
Pray it won't fade away  
_

_  
  
——-  
_

 

_  
_ They were gathered at the cemetery near Eva’s house. Isak always thought it was a beautiful place. Right now, bathed in sunlight and sitting with all his friends around him on the grass, made it even more beautiful.  


His friends had written eulogies. Someone had printed out a large photo of him, one taken before his cancer. He looked happy in the photo. He couldn't remember it, someone must have taken it without his knowing. Maybe Even. It looked like it could be from around Christmas. It was a good photo. They had placed it on the ground next to a make-shift podium, making it look like a real funeral.   
  
Some of the girls were already sobbing messes before they even started. Vilde and Chris had apologised, saying they couldn't write down a single word, or speak. They barely managed to utter the apologies, crying to much. Isak didn't minded. He didn't care whether everyone or no-one spoke. He only cared that they all was there. He had a few words to say himself, so he started.   
  
“So… This is my funeral. I am so incredibly thankful that you're all here, for me. I wanted to say a lot of things, but none of them seem fitting some how. So I’ll just say what I wanted to tell each and every one of you, preferably in person, but this will have to do.” He took a deep breath and cleared this throat. “My body is shutting down faster than anticipated. My kidneys are failing. The doctor isn't sure that a marrow transplant will help anymore. But they will try anyway. Because my dad is a match. So in two days I’m going in for transplants.” He gave them a few seconds to digest it, before finishing up his speech. “Well. I’ll give the podium to someone else. One usually doesn't hold a speech in their own funeral, I’ve been told.” Weak laughters.  
  
Isak went down, and sat next to Even again.  
  
Sana went first, walking up on the podium and folding out her notes. Taking a few seconds to read through them, she then folded the note again, and put it away. Looking directly at Isak, she begun speaking.  
  
“When I first met Isak, I thought he was a dork. He was Eva’s friend and beyond that, we never really talked.   
  
But then he tried hiding drugs at Eva’s place. And me confronting him during a biology lesson ended up making us partners in that class. I can safely say that I was mistaken. Isak was no dork. He was smart, kind, compassionate, a really good biology partner, and my friend. Watching him with Even, being himself this last year, living life to the fullest, has really been a pleasure. I know I will never meet a soul like Isak Valtersen again. I am so incredibly honoured to have been a part of his life.”  
  
Noora took the stage as Sana left it. She had also written her speech down, but she opted to have her notes in her hand, looking at it rather than looking at the crowd.   
  
“I didn't really get a chance to get to know Isak until I came back from London. He was just Eva’s friend and the guy who had taken over my room when I moved out. But living together, I got to know him. His humour, his persona, his awful cooking and his ability to love unconditionally. From being a scared teen who fled his parents broken home to become the strong man who took care of his boyfriend through thick and thin, come hell or high water.  
  
I once read a quote that I decided to try to live by. ‘Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.’  
  
Isak didn't need to _read_ that quote to live by it. He just _did_.”  
  
  
She lifted her eyes and met his, offering him a weak smile. Then she walked down and gave the podium to Linn. Isak hadn't expected Linn and Eskild to even come, but they did. They had both arrived with Noora, both with a speech in hand. “Of course we would attend your funeral Isak.” Eskild had said, hugging the younger boy.  
  
Linn cleared her throat, and started reading from her paper sheet.   
  
“Being mentally ill is a struggle no healthy person can ever fully understand. Isak did, as well as it’s humanly possible to understand. He took care of not only Even when he was ill, but me as well, on the days where I felt so bad I couldn't get out of bed.   
  
He never said anything cruel to me. He never pushed me to ‘ _just be happy’_. He accepted me like i was, with all my flaws. He was my friend, and I feel honoured to have been his too.”  
  
  
She broke down in sobs, and Eskild walked up to hug her. He told her to go sit down, and started his own speech. By now Isak was crying. He had never expected any of them to say such nice things about him. What had he done to deserve such wonderful friends?  
  
“The first time I met Isak, he was sitting in a gay bar at two o’ clock in the morning, so drunk he barely knew his own name. He didn't want to go home, for reasons I didn't learn until much later. But I knew I had to get him out of there, so I brought him home to our flat. And I’m so glad I did.  
  
Our first talk about his sexuality ended in me lecturing him on ignorance. I felt a little bad about that afterwards. He was just a young kid coming to terms with being different. But it ended helping him, luckily.   
  
I won’t claim to have been the only one to have helped Isak grow into the fine young man he ended up being until the end, but I like to think I helped some by pushing him in the right direction.  
  
Like Noora, I also have a quote, one I think used to describe Isak when I first got to know him, the real him.  
  
‘It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you are not.’  
  
When Isak finally accepted himself, he showed me that he had all these wonderful sides, all this compassion and love. And I loved him like a little brother. We all did.   
  
I will end this with another quote, one who is more fitting of Isak and the man he became. It’s a quote by Paul Valery, a french poet. It goes like this:  
  
‘A great man is one who leaves others at a loss after he is gone.’”  
  
  
Isak wasn't sure if he could take this anymore. He buried his face in Even’s shirt, sobbing quietly as Mahdi took the stage.   
  
“I’m not good with words like the rest of you, but I wanted to try anyway.   
  
Isak was my bro. He learned me how to be accepting, to be kind. He learned me how to be a better person.  
  
I defended him multiple times over the years and have gotten a lot of shit for it. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. Because I always knew he had my back as well.  
  
Isak was my bro and I loved him. I still do and I always will.”  
  
  
  
Mahdi walked down as Magnus walked up.

  
  
“I don’t know what to say. I tried writing this speech again and again, coming up blank. Life without Isak isn't a life I can even imagine. No matter how much we teased each other, Isak was always there for me, willing to give me advice.  
  
Vicki Harrison said  
  
‘Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.’”  
  
  
Isak was still crying into Even’s shirt, but looked up when it was Eva’s turn.

  
“‘Love is patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude and selfish. It does not take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.’  
  
This is a quote from one of mine and Isak’s favourite movies, ‘A walk to remember’.  
  
I had this whole speech planned out in my head. But now all i can think of was that quote. Isak was my best friend. And he was always there for me, no matter what. He always accepted me, and I accepted him. I loved him so much, and…. and…” she broke down in tears, unable to continue. Noora went up to guide her back down, as Jonas took the stage.  
  
“This is so surreal and hard. I always manage to find words in every situation, but not this one. But I’m giving it my best shot right now, for Isak.  
  
Isak Valtersen was a lot of things. He was ignorant, bad-tempered, sarcastic, mean, childish and rude. But he was also scared, careful, smart, encouraging, helpful, kind, clever, funny, charming, loving and compassionate. And among all these things he was my best friend. Through all those things we grew up, together. At the end Isak was only the good words, there was no bad left in him. No matter how sick he got and how bad he felt he was never angry or said anything mean. He took it all like a warrior. And he kept fighting to the very end.  
  
I like to think I had some part in helping Isak become the wonderful person he was at the end. I probably had some part in it. But the credit for that is mostly Even’s. He was the one who helped Isak see the world with a better mind. He was the reason Isak held himself together until the end. He was the one supporting Isak every step of the way, taking care of him and easing his pain. I tried to be there as well, but Even was the rock Isak held onto, the glue keeping him together. I feel privileged to have been able to watch their love story unfold. I also loved Isak, like a brother. And I will keep loving him until the day I die.  
  
I know none of of us sitting here are going to ever get over the loss of our friend. And we don't have to. The only thing we have to do, is get out of bed and keep moving forward. It’s really the only thing one can do. Just keep moving.”  
  
  
Isak was a sobbing mess. Everyone was. Even tried to get to his feet, seeing as it was his time to speak, but Isak held him down, refusing him to stand. For a long while they were just sitting there, crying. Jonas had brought a speaker, and since Isak refused to let Even take the podium, he put on a song when he was done speaking. They all just listened, crying. The girls were holding each other. Magnus held Vilde. Eskild held Mahdi’s hand. Even held Isak.

 

_Take my mind_

_And take my pain_

_Like an empty bottle takes the rain_

_And heal, heal, heal, heal_

 

_And take my past_

_And take my sense_

_Like an empty sail takes the wind_

_And heal, heal, heal, heal_

 

_And tell me somethings last_

_And tell me somethings last_

 

_Take a heart_

_And take a hand_

_Like an ocean takes the dirty sand_

_And heal, heal, hell, heal_

 

_Take my mind_

_And take my pain_

_Like an empty bottle takes the rain_

_And heal, heal, hell, heal_

 

_And tell me somethings last_

 

When the song ended Even managed to sneak out of Isak’s hold, and got to the podium.   
  
  
“I didn’t write a speech, knowing that it would have broken my soul to do so. I decided to do this like I do everything. Make it up as I go. That’s what life is about, right? Making it up as you go.  
  
From the first second I laid eyes on Isak Valtersen, I was in love with him. People asked me, how can you love a person you haven't even met? Easily. He looked like an angel. And getting to know him made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. And when he happened to like me back, I was in heaven.  
  
And I continued to be, every day until the last. Isak was the love of my life, and I will never meet anyone like him again. Ours were an epic love story, and like all epic love stories ever written; the main character died.   
  
Sometimes I find myself wishing our love story wasn't epic, so that I wouldn't have to feel this broken. To quote John Green, “You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”  
  
I believe that is true. The pain I feel right now is so strong, I have never felt anything like it. But I have asked myself so many times over the past months, does that mean it wasn't worth it? The answer is no. The love I have felt was so strong, so all consuming, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. If I had the opportunity, would I have chosen to never meet him? No. Because even if we only got a very limited time together, it was worth it. Being in love with and loved by Isak Valtersen has been the highest honour in my life.   
  
’It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.’   
  
I had the privilege of loving Isak Valtersen, and I don't regret a second of it.”  
  
  
Isak thought he had been a sobbing mess before, but he cried even harder now. He could feel his heart twisting in his chest, he felt like he couldn't breathe. Even walked down from the podium, and wrapped Isak up in his arms, crying with him. They held onto each other, sitting there on the grass and crying their hearts out. They cried for each other, for themselves, for their friends and their parents. They cried for their love and losing it. They cried and cried until they could cry no more. And then they were all sitting in silence.  


 

 

_Only priests and clowns can save us now_

_Only a sign from God or a hurricane_

_Can bring about_

_The change we all want_

 

  
Even moved first. Isak didn't want to move, ever again. He was dying. He wanted to spend his last days curled up in Even’s arms, embracing this boyfriend and just loving him.  
  
Even grabbed his face, and made Isak look up at him. So Isak did, he looked up at his beautiful boyfriend, green eyes drowning in blue, feeling his heart break again and again. “Isak Valtersen, would you do me the honour of marrying me?”  
  
  
  
———-  
  
EVEN’S POV  
  
  
Even would be lying if he said he hadn't spent much time thinking about this, debating back and forwards, should he or shouldn't he. But he had to at least ask. He could be loosing Isak in two days. They had two days left. He wanted to spend their days attached at the hip. And that was when he had gotten the idea. He wanted to be attached for real. He wanted to be Isak’s husband. He wanted to commit to him in every way possible.   
  
He felt like he had been waiting forever for Isak to answer him. All their friends were quiet, also waiting for the response. Even held his breath, holding Isak’s gaze. Isak looked taken aback. Shocked. Then the expression changed from shock, to thoughtful. And then he smiled. And whispered one simple word. “Yes.”  
  
  
————-

(Eleven months earlier)  
  


“How do you picture your wedding?”  
  
They were on a camping trip. That’s right. That had packed a tent and sleeping bags and food and taken the bus to the edge of the woods, walked as far as they could and just put up the tent. It had been Even’s idea. Isak had willingly said yes, wanting to spend more time with his boyfriend.

 

Hearing that question brought Isak back to that horrible night at plaza seven months ago. When Even had been manic, ranting about how their wedding was going to be. It gave him goosebumps. He shrugged.   
  
“You never thought about it?”  
  
“Not really…”  
  
“Shit. I just remembered, last time I touched this subject I freaked you out, right? You said I went on about it when we were in that suite.”  
  
“Yeah. Kind of.”  
  
“Shit. Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be.”  
  
“Okay. Let’s drop it, and go swimming instead.”  
  
“I didn't bring any swimming shorts.”  
  
“We’re in the middle of the woods and there are no-one around. We’re skinny-dipping, _dude_.”  
  
“ _Dude?_ ” Isak raised his eyebrows.  
  
“Dude.”  
  
  
Even started undressing, and Isak couldn't do anything but stare at his beautiful, sexy boyfriend. It was unfair how hot he looked. I was unfair how much he had made Isak fall in love with him. Because Isak did. He loved every part of him. Not just the sex-part. But also the late nights, early mornings, movie nights and dinners. The kissing and the hugging and the simple touch. The endless days of walking around town doing nothing but enjoying each others company. The sleeping all wrapped up in each other. And of course the sex; sometimes hot and dirty, sometimes sweet and filled with love.  
  
  
“I picture my dream wedding small. I want all my friends and family to be there. And I want to get married in a church.” Isak blurted out.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. What is your dream wedding?”  
  
“Marrying you.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. And I want our wedding song to be ’Til Kingdom Come’.”  
  
“I want to marry you too, some day, in the future.”

“I will marry you one day, Isak Valtersen.”

 

_“Good.”_  


 

 

 

————-

(PRESENT TIME)

 

Getting a priest to wed them on such a short notice was hard, but luckily not impossible. Isak’s mother knew a priest and she agreed the wed them. So the next day, all their friends and family was at the church, as well as most of their friends parents and siblings. Isak had slept at his dad’s place, but both Even and Jonas had joined him. Isak’s dad didn't mind at all, he was just really happy Isak was staying there.  
  
  
Isak walked down the aisle with Jonas. Since he wasn't a bride, they didn't want to do the whole “father of the bride gives her away” thing. They settled for a middle ground sort of thing, with Jonas walking Isak down the aisle. As he walked down, all he could focus on was his beautiful boyfriend, soon to be husband, and felt his heart swell. He was doing this, really doing this.   
  
Even grabbed his hand and they locked eyes. They didn't once look away from each other, even when the priest started talking. They only looked away to pick up the rings. When the priest asked Isak the question, he looked Even deeply in the eyes, seeing the love there, and with absolute confidence, said the two words. “I do.” 

 

 

_Steal my heart and hold my tongue._

_I feel my time, my time has come._

_Let me in, unlock the door._

_I've never felt this way before._

 

_The wheels just keep on turning,_

_The drummer begins to drum,_

_I don't know which way I'm going,_

_I don't know which way I've come._

 

_Hold my head inside your hands,_

_I need someone who understands._

_I need someone, someone who hears,_

_For you, I've waited all these years._

 

_For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come._

_Until my day, my day is done._

_And say you'll come, and set me free,_

_Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me._

 

_In your tears and in your blood,_

_In your fire and in your flood,_

_I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,_

_"I wouldn't change a single thing."_

 

_The wheels just keep on turning,_

_The drummers begin to drum,_

_I don't know which way I'm going,_

_I don't know what I've become._

 

_For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,_

_Until my days, my days are done._

_Say you'll come and set me free,_

_Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.  
_

 

——-

  


_“_ Are you ready?”   
  
“No.”  
  
“You think you’ll be ready in a few minutes?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“When will you be ready then?”  
  
“I doubt I’ll ever be ready.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Minute by minute right?”  
  
“Our minutes are kinda running out.”  
  
“I know.”

  
Even was sitting on Isak’s hospital bed. He was in there for the transplantation. The doctor had informed them that Isak’s kidneys were failing and he needed a transplant. Luckily his dad was a match for that too. So that’s what they were doing now. Transplantation of both marrow and kidneys. Even had chosen to try to be optimistic. He smiled at his  ~~ boyfriend ~~ _husband._ “It will be fine Isak.”  
  
“You don’t know that Even.”  
  
“If you believe it will be fine, if you fight, you still have a chance Isak. Yeah, maybe you will die. But you can’t only think about dying. You need to think about living. Please.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“Please.”  
  
“I’ll fight. I promise.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“I love you Even.”  
  
“I love you too Isak. Minute by minute. Til Kingdom Come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Strong, London Grammar
> 
> \- Halo, Jasmine Thompson
> 
> \- Heal, Tom Odell
> 
> \- Turn And Turn Again, All Thieves 
> 
> \- Til Kingdom Come, Coldplay


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written while listening to the song: 'To build a home' by The Cinematic Orchestra. Whether you listen to it or not is up to you.
> 
> Everything written in italic is Isak, normal font is Even, and bold letters is the therapist.
> 
> Some of these scenes are borrowed from the original SKAM and does not belong to me.

 

 

 

A LOVE STORY FROM BEGINNING TO END

 

 

 

 

 

(OCTOBER 2016)  
  
  
“Oh, did you also need paper-towels?”   
  
“Join me outside.”   
  
“Do you know that group leader lady?”  
  
_“Vilde?”_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
_“With her love-game?”_  
  
“Yeah, what was that?”  
  
_“I just had to leave, I couldn't deal with that. What happened?”_  
  
“She made us walk around in a dark room an feel each other up. And if you touched a dick, you had to suck it.”  
  
_“No?!”  
_  
“No.”  
  
_“What class are you in?”_  
  
“3STB.”  
  
_“You didn't go here last year?”_  
  
“No. Bakka.”  
  
_“You switched the last year?”_  
  
——-  
  
  
“Halla.”  
  
_“Halla.”_  
  
“On your way home?”  
  
_“Yeah. You too?”_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Awesome conversation.”  
  
_“You’re eighteen right?”_  
  
_“Could you maybe buy me some beers?”  
  
-  
  
_ “Forgot my ID at home. Have to go get it. Join me.”  


-  
  
“I don’t know where I could have put it.”  
  
_“Did you draw these?”_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
_“They’re good.”_  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
_“They’re really funny.”_

 

“You think so?”  
  
_“Mhm.”_  
  
“Here is it!”  
  
_“You found it?”_  
  
“No, but…”  
  
_“Ey.”  
_  
—-  
  
_“You haven't been away yet?”_  
  
“Just left early, I don’t know. Does that count?”  
  
_“You haven't figured out the system? I’ve skipped a couple of hours.”_  
  
“What’s the limit?”  
  
_“The limit is ten percent. But if the headmaster is nice you could get fifteen.”  
  
_ “Really?”  
  
_“Yeah. But I don’t think the headmaster is going to be nice when it comes to me.”  
_  
“What do you listen to? If you listen to music.”  
  
_“I’m a pretty big fan of N.W.A.”_  
  
“That’s whats psyches you up before you go to school?”  
  
_“It’s the kind of music you listen to when you’re walking around town and want to feel badass.”  
  
_ “Have you listened to Nas?”  
  
_“Nas?”_  
  
“You’re kidding? You haven't listened to it?”  
  
_“Oh no I have listened to it.”_  
  
“Nas?”  
  
_“Nas. Nas.”_  
  
“Have you even listened to it?”  
  
_“Of course I have!”_  
  
“Doesn’t sound like it.”  
  
_“I have listened to it.”_  
  
“You’re going to have to listen to it later.”  
  
——-  
  
  
_“That’s one sweaty cheese, dude.”_  
  
“I know, I managed to forget to put it back into the refrigerator when I left for school. So it’s nearly melted. Has that happened to you before?”  
  
_“Yeah, I always forget the cheese.”_  
  
“Yeah, you also do it?”  
  
_“Yeah.”_  
  
“That a first world problem.”  
  
_“Cheese and keys.”_  
  
“Cheese and keys!”  
  
“Beer?”  
  
“Here you go.”  
  
“Cheers.”  
  
_“Cheers.”_  
  
“So, what kind of spice do you want? Let’s begin with caribbean jerk barbecue.”  
  
_“Sounds perfect, do it.”_  
  
“Chili?”  
  
_“Always chill.”_  
  
“Rosemary?”  
  
_“Yeah, lots.”_  
  
“Lots? Okey.”  
  
“Even more?”  
  
_“No, thats fine.”_  
  
“Pottagaldrar?”  
  
_“Eh, yes.”_  
  
“Cinnamon?”  
  
_“Ehh, yeah, why the fuck not.”_  
  
“I think it’s going to taste like balls.”  
  
“But we can’t turn around now!”  
  
_“No. We can’t turn around now.”_  
  
“I’ll put on some more pepper.”  
  
“Want me to put them in the oven?”  
  
_“Go for it.”_  
  
——  
  
“There was something in there that just wasn't right.”  
  
_“It’s horrible.”_  
  
“It’s so terrible it’s kind of good.”  
  
_“No, it was so terrible that it was even more terrible.”  
_  
“Excuse me, it was you who made us use all that spice.”  
  
_“It’s very important to have lots of cardamom.”  
_  
“Mmm. That’s the trick?”  
  
_“Cardamom.”  
_  
“To make it good?”  
  
_“Mhm.”  
  
“Have you heard the rumours about my rapping skills?”  
  
“_ I have, actually.”  
  
_“Give me a beat.”_  
  
“Okay fine.”  
  
_“E-box, give me the beat.”  
  
“Come on, get yourself together!”_  
  
  
——  
  
_“Didn’t you take a cab with the others?”_  
  
“I have a bicycle.”  
  
“You and Emma looked cozy.”  
  
_“She’s into me.”_  
  
“You know Sonja and I have been dating since we were fifteen?”  
  
_“Okay?”_  
  
“And I feel that we are drifting apart more and more.”  
  
“But I can’t dump Sonja.”  
  
_“Okay.”  
_  
“Cuz if I dump Sonja she’s gonna think that I do it because she has an aluminium leg.”  
  
_“Huh?”  
_  
“You didn't know?”  
  
_“Aluminium leg?”  
_  
“Yeah, she has amputated her whole foot.”  
  
_“What? How did that happen?”  
_  
“No, she stepped on a landmine on Tjøme when she was nine. Blew away her entire left foot.”  
  
_“Shit.”  
_  
“Yeah, it was pretty bad.   
  
_“I didn't know.”  
_  
“No, but she is better now. She had gotten really good help from .. what’s if called again… physiotherapists, who had helped her with her motor skills, and you know the aluminium technology has come so far, you can barely see her limp.”  
  
_“You’re kidding? You're kidding?! Right? For fucks sake.”  
  
“How can you joke about something like that?”  
  
_ “Do you really believe there’s landmines on Tjøme?”  
  
_“The fuck do I know.”  
_  
_“You can’t joke about stuff like that.”_  
  
“I could have joked about something much worse.”  
  
_“No, you can’t, cuz that’s a really shitty thing to joke about.”  
_  
“I could have joked about her having a dick. That would have been really fucked up.”  
  
“ _Dick, haha.”  
_  
“Really fucked up.”  
  
_“Don’t think the aluminium technology was very…”  
_  
“That’s what gave me away?”  
  
_“Yeah… But she's cute. Sonja.”  
_  
  
—-  
  
  
“Halla.”  
  
_“Hey.”  
_  
“Are you going to that halloween-party?”  
  
_“Eh no. Or maybe. I don’t know. Are you?”  
_  
“Join me.”  
  
_“Okay.”  
_  
“Okay?”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“Okay, then well have a pre drink together?”  
  
_“Mhm.”_

 

 

_——  
  
“I heard there will be a lot of people on that party.”  
_  
“What time is it?”  
  
“ _Huh?”  
_  
“What time is it?”  
  
_“21:21”  
_  
“Seriously?”   
  
_“Yeah, why?”  
_  
“Let’s get out of here.”  
  
“ _And go where?”  
_  
“Anywhere. Hurry.”  
  
——  
  
“I wanna go for a swim, how about you?”  
  
_“Swim?”  
_  
“Yeah.”  
  
-  
  
_“Who’s house is this?”  
_  
“My aunt’s.”  
  
_“And she’s allowing us to be here?”  
_  
“Of course.”  
  
_“But where’s your aunt?”  
_  
“On vacation.”  
  
_“Why don’t you have a key?”  
_  
“Because she’s on holiday.”  
  
_“That’s obviously the answer to everything.”  
_  
“Relax, it’s fine. Come on.”  
  
“Why are you so skeptical?”  
  
_“I’m not, but it’s a little weird that we’re…”  
_  
“You afraid of swimming?”  
  
_“Scared of swimming?!”  
_  
“Yeah, are you afraid of the water or something?”  
  
_“Afraid of water? Oy…”  
_  
_“It’s just, It’s not my aunt’s house..”  
_  
“You’re just afraid to mess up your hair then.”  
  
_“You think I care about my hair?”  
_  
“Looks like it.”  
  
_“Really? Does it like like I care about my hair?”  
_  
“Not right now, but usually yes.”  
  
_“Fuck!”  
_  
“Did you think I was dead now?”  
  
_“I was so scared….”  
_  
“ _You suck at holding your breath.”  
_  
“I suck?”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“Try it yourself.”  
  
_“You’re challenging me? I’m the fucking master at holding my breath under water.”  
_  
“Show me then.”  
  
_“Fine.”  
_  
“Woow…. You never stop impressing me…”  
  
_“I got water in my lungs!”  
_  
“Yeah, right.”  
  
_“I swallowed water!”  
_  
_“I’ll try again.”  
_  
“We’ll do it together.”  
  
_“The last one up is the winner.”  
_  
“Ready, three, two, one.”  
  
“Yes!”  
  
_“Yes what?”_  
  
“I won.”  
  
_“What, yes? Are you kidding?”_  
  
“I won!”  
  
_“You cheated.”_  
  
“What?”  
  
_“That was cheating!”_  
  
“You think there’s any rules here?”  
  
_“Eh, yes!”_  
  
_“That was just cheating, it’s not right. I won’t accept loosing like that.”_  
  
“Okay, let’s do it again then.”  


  
  
_(‘Cause I'm kissing you, oh_

_I'm kissing, oh_

_Touch me deep, pure and true_

_Gift to me forever_

_'Cause I'm kissing you, oh_

_I'm kissing you)_

 

  
  
“Fuck”  
  
_“But for fuck sake!”_  
  
_“Who the fuck is she?”_  
  
“It’s not my aunt’s house.”  
  
_“Who’s house is it?”_  
  
“Someone I went to elementary school with.”  
  
  
—-  
  
  
“I think life is just like a movie and that you can be the director of your own life. Do you get what I mean?”

 

_“I do. But I’m not sure I completely agree.”_

 

“You don’t agree?”

 

_“No..”  
  
“What makes it all so interesting is the infinity.”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

_“All those parallel universes. Everything-, like, just how big everything is. How insignificant we are, compared to all of the infinite parallel universes that exist. And everything that can happen will happen… Not only will happen, it is happening. “_

 

_“There is probably, in a parallel universe, an Isak and an Even that is lying in the exact same way, in the exact same place. Only that, you know…There’s like, a different colour on the curtains, or whatever.”_

 

“So, yellow curtains then?”

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

“Nah. I think that’s enough jay for you.”

 

_“Have you never thought about it?”_

 

 

“Well, yeah. But it’s just making me feel so… I don’t know, lonely.”

 

_“It’s so interesting!”_

 

“Nah, I don’t like it…”

 

_“Why not?”_

 

“I don’t know… It freaks me out.”

 

_“Jesus Christ… In what way?” “If freaks you out…”_

 

“Not freaked out the way you get by a scary movie, but like… More of a ‘feeling alone’, sort of freaked out. That like… It’s your head… It’s you and your head, and all your thoughts.”

 

_“Alone in your head..? What do you mean?”_

 

“‘The brain is alone’-feeling.”

 

_“What kind of feeling, ‘the brain is alone’?”_

 

“Because there’s only you and your thoughts, you know. You can’t escape your thoughts. The only way is to die.”

 

_“That’s real dark though.”_

 

“Yeah, but have you never thought about it before?”

 

_“No.”_

 

“Jeez, I’d forgotten how young you are.”  
  
-  
  
“How did you end up in this shared apartment?”  
  
_“Uh, it was basically just that… There was this one night I was really drunk and then I met Eskild…”_  
  
“Okay… So he basically picked you up then?”  
  
_“No. Or, I don’t fucking know. I don’t actually remember. I think he just felt sorry for me, because… Yeah, like I said, I was really drunk and… My dad had just left my mom too, you know, so… Yeah. He… The thing was, I didn’t want to go back home… And so he brought… Me back here. And then… blah, blah, blah.”  
_  
“Blah, Blah, Blah. Goody story.”  
  
_“You can have it. Make a movie.”  
  
_ “I will make a movie about you.”  
  
_“Okay?”  
  
_ “Do you want to know what it’s called?”  
  
_“What?”  
_  
“‘The boy who couldn't hold his breath under water.’”  
  
_“Sounds like a… Pompous piece of shit movie.”  
_  
_“And by the way, I can hold my breath under water.”  
  
_ “Mhm.”  
  
_“It’s just that I got a… Drop of water in my throat.”  
_  
“Drop of water in your throat, yeah?”  
_  
“Yeah…”  
  
“Sonja?”  
_  
“I’m so fucked.”  
  
“Can’t I just… Stay in here with you forever? Can we do that?”  
  
_“We can do that.”  
_  
—-  
  
_“Hey.”  
_

“Halla.”  


_“Where have you been?”_

  
“I.. Have told Sonja about you, and we've decided to take a break.”  


“What do you think about that?”  


_“Awesome.”  
_

“Yeah?”

  
_“Or.. if it makes you sad, then.. I hope it's not my fault.”_

_  
_ “I'm not sad!”  


_“No?”_

  
“No!”

 

“What do you think your parents would've said if we started dating?”  


_“I think that would be okay.”  
_

“Yeah?”

 

_“Or I mean, dad probably wouldn't have anything against it.”_

  
“But mom would?”  


_“My mom is insane.”  
_

“How?”  


_“She.. It’s a completely surreal situation.”  
_

_“She thinks the world is going under, that my uncle is Donald Trump!”  
_  
_“My uncle is not Donald Trump!”_

 

“Phew, Ok..”  


_“But anyway, I haven't talked to her since I moved out.”  
_

“So you don't have contact with her anymore?”  


_“No, I've decided that life is better without mentally ill people around me.”  
_

_“What do you think your parents would've said about me?”  
_

“I think they’d love you!”

 

——  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Hi. So I’ve cleaned the stairs for six hours and OD-day is killing me. What have you been up to today? It was nice seeing you yesterday, wanna hang?  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Hi. It was nice seeing you as well. I don’t know, but things might have been moved along a little to quickly… I know it’s my fault, but I need time, sorry.  
  
—-  
  
“Halla.”  
  
_“Halla.”  
_  
“No cardamom?”  
  
_“Cardamom.”  
  
“No, so…”  
  
_ “But, uh…”  
  
_“I think I gotta go.”  
_  
——  
  
  
_“Halla.”_  
  
“Halla.”  
  
  
——  
  
  
“Hey, I didn’t know what you liked, so I just… I made everything. What movie?”  
  
_“Movie?”_  
  
“Taste this.”

 

“Tastes good?”  
_  
_ “The secret ingredient is a tablespoon sour cream.”

 

_“When I woke up, I thought you had left.”_

 

“Oh you! I was just here making breakfast. Chatting with your friends.”

 

_“Does Sonja know where you are?”  
_

“Fuck Sonja - we’re not together anymore.”  


_“But I mean, the last time you said it was over between the two of you, you were still making out two days later…”_

 

_“It’s not that easy for me to just give a fuck about Sonja.”_

 

“What you need to understand about Sonja is that she has this... control over me. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. Because everything she says is true… And, well, I’m sick of it. I feel like… She can’t feel what I feel, or think, for that matter. Agreed?”

 

_“Only you can feel what you feel.”_

_  
_ “I haven’t felt anything… like this… ever.”  


_“Me neither”  
_

“This song though?”  


_“Huh?”  
_

_“_ Gabrielle.”  


_“Are you kidding me?”  
_

“No.”  


_“Oh my god, this is a fucking hashtag. Wtf?”  
_

“What?”  


_“When you've found the man of your life, and it turns out he listens to Gabrielle”  
_

“Am I! the man of your life? Or? Are you talking about me?”  


_“That’s how the hashtag goes! You know that!”  
_

“But you said I was the man of your life”  


“Say it again.”  


_“Hmm.”  
_

“Say it again”.  


_“You’re the man of my life”.  
_

_“It’s shit.”  
  
_ “You can dance!”  
_  
“No.”  
_

_“You make me fired up…”  
  
——  
  
“It’s Sonja?”  
  
_ “Don’t fucking call Isak.” _  
  
“What? Why did you do that?”  
  
_ “Don’t talk to her.” _  
  
“Why? What does she want?”  
  
_ “She want’s to control you.” _  
  
“Control me? How would she control me?”  
  
_ “Because she… Doesn't like people who live freely and are real.”  
  
“You’re so fucking hot Isak!”  


 

 

——

 

“Halla.”  
  
_“Halla”_

 

_“Are you keen on going back to my place?”_  
  
“No, I’m not ken on that.”  
  
_“Okay? What are you keen on doing then?”_  
  
“I am… Keen on checking in… To a fucking suite!”  
  
_“A suite?”_  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
_“Why’d you always walk like that?”_  
  
“Huh?”

 

——

  


 

  
“How many Isaks and Evens are lying just like this right now, do you think?”

 

-

 

“Try this burger!”

 

_“Good?”_  
  
“Mhm!”

 

_“Mmh”_

 

“You know, in our wedding we’ll only serve mini burgers.”

 

_“At our wedding, really?”_

 

“You don’t think we’ll get married?” 

 

“We’re so fucking getting married!”   
  
“Grand fucking wedding!” 

 

“And we’ll show up as… God and Julius Caesar.”   
  
“No, you know what? We’ll show up as … Just completely naked. Completely naked. No clothes. From now on we’ll do everything naked.” 

 

_“Okey.”_

 

“And I’ll propose to you from a balcony… Just imagine me driving up in a white limo Tesla. I’ll be driving up… And yelling, ‘Princess Vivian!’”

 

_“Princess Vivian?”_

 

“It would be completely genius if that was your answer! Because then, the whole joke is that you’d think it’s a Romeo and Juliet reference. But you don’t get it until you enter the balcony and you see me sitting naked, with a tie! And that’s when you get the reference!”   
  
“And after I’ve climbed up the balcony, I’ll ask you, ‘What happens after I’ve saved you?’”   
  
“And then you answer… I’ll save you right back.”  
  
“It would’ve been so fucking funny!”  
  
“It’s actually one of my dreams.”  
  
“It’s one of my dreams!”  


  
-  


  
“How many Isaks and Evens do you think are laying like this, right now?”  
  
_“Infinite.”_  
  
“In infinite time.”  
  
_“Yes.”_

 

 

 

  
“You know, the only way to have something for infinite time, is by losing it.”

  
_“Don’t say stuff like that.”_  
  
“I’m only joking.”  
  


 

-  
  
_“Don’t you ever sleep?”_  
  
“Not when you’re laying here looking so fucking hot.”  
  
  
-  
  
_“Baby… Come lie down with me.”_  
  
“Yeah. I’ll just go out and buy us some McDonald’s first.”  
  
-  
  
_“Even?!”  
  
  
  
——_  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Hey. I don’t understand shit right now. Stop messaging me.  
  
——-  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Tried calling you. I hope you are okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it.  <3

_  
——-  
  
_ FROM EVEN TO ISAK   
  
Dear Isak. I’m now sitting at the place where we met each other for the first time and thinking about you. Soon it’ll be 21:21. I want to tell you a thousand things. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not telling you that I am bipolar. I was afraid of losing you. I’d forgotten that it’s not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyway. A different place in the universe we are together for all eternity, remember that. Love you. Even.  
  
-  
  
_“You are not alone.”  
  
  
_ —-  
  
_“Hey.”_

 

“Hey.”

 

_“Hungry?”_

 

“What time is it?”

 

_“Around.. Ten thirty or something.”_

 

“I should leave.”

 

_“Why?”_

 

“Because I don’t want you to lie here and feel like you have to look after me.”

 

_“I don’t feel like I’m looking after you.” “  
  
“And why… Why is that wrong?”_

 

“There is nothing wrong with it.”   
  
“I just can’t stand that you lie here all sad.”

 

_“I’m not sad.”_

 

“I just know that this isn't going to work out.”

 

_“Why do you say that?”_

 

“Because it’s true. I’m just going to.. To hurt you. And then you’ll hate me.”

  
_“No.”_

 

_“You don’t know shit about how this is going to end. I mean, we might get a nuclear bomb dropped on our heads tomorrow and… And… Then discussing this is just a waste of time, so.. I suggest that you just screw talking about the future, and then the two of us will just take this thing completely chill.”_

 

_“Let’s play a game. It goes like this… It’s called ‘Isak and Even: Minute by Minute’. It… It’s about that, the only thing we need to worry about, is the next minute. You up for it?”_

 

“… Okay.”   
  
“What should we do this minute then?”

 

_“This minute we’ll kiss.”_

 

“That’s chill.”

 

_“That’s chill.”_  
  
  
—-

 

“Halla.”  
  
_“Halla.”_  
  
_“Everything okay?”  
  
_ “Did you ask… all of your roomies to look after me?”  
  
_“Hm? No!”  
_  
“Holy fuck, you’re such a bad liar!”  
  
_“Huh?! I’m a bad liar?”_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
_“I’m a bad liar?”  
  
“I’m the fucking master liar, there’s no one who’s a better liar than me!”  
  
“I mean, you have no idea what I’ve gotten away with.”_  
  
“Well tell me. What have you gotten away with?”  
  
_“No, I mean, you don’t want to know.”  
  
“I like seeing you laugh.”_  
  
_“Holy fuck, Vilde. Nagging me so fucking much about that Kosegruppa stuff.”  
_  
“Kosegruppa!”  
  
“I had completely forgotten about it.”  
  
_“Yeah, don’t tell her that, ‘cause she’ll get pissed. She’s terrified people just joined for the revue parties or something.”_  
  
“Well, I was there to meet you.”  
  
_“Hm?! Seriously?”_  
  
“Yeah. Did you think I was there to have fun?”  
  
_“Had you seen me before that first Kosegruppa meeting?”_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I saw you the first day of school.”  
  
_“Woah…”_  
  
-  
  
“Christmas tree?”  
  
_“Yeah, I haven't told you… Speaking of Kosegruppa. I’ll be hosting a Christmas get-together here on Friday.”_  
  
“Here?”  
  
_“Mhm.”_  
  
“Friday?”  
  
_“Do you wanna come?”_  
  
“I… I’ve actually promised my mom that… I talked to her today. And she really wanted me to stop by at home. To eat and stuff. Or, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe I’ll just stay there for a while.”  
  
_“We’ll just take it one day at a time.”_  
  
——

 

“Halla,”  
  
_“Halla.”  
  
“How’s it going?”  
  
_ “I’m fine.” _  
  
“Mhm?”_  
  
“Ive just talked to my mom… And… The reason she’s nagging is because she really want to meet you.”  
  
_“Oh. Hmm…”  
_  
“So… What do you say we drop by tomorrow?”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“Yeah?”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“You don’t think that it’s awkward?”  
  
_“No. I don’t find anything awkward anymore.”  
_  
“Okay.”  
  
_“As long as you're smiling, and…”  
_  
“That I can do.”  
  
_“Wear clothes. Then… Then life is chill.”  
_  
“I promise, I’ll wear clothes.”  
  


-

 

 

_“ You’re not getting any of it.”  
  
“It’s not good for you.”_  
  
“It’s not good for you either!”  
  
_“It’s completely fine for me, but not for you.”  
_  
“Are you going to be the one to tell me what is good or not?”  
  
_“Of course I am. It’s my job.”  
_  
“You’ve got a job?”  
  
_“Yeah, it’s literally my job. It’s… That’s why I’m doing this, you know?”  
  
“I found this poster… On Løkka, where it stood; Even Bech Næsheim needs support person and boyfriend.”  
_  
  
“And then you applied?”  
  
_“Yeah, ‘cause I thought, “Holy fuck, he’s hot!”  
_  
“That was nice.”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“You’re so nice.”  
  
_“I could’ve done it for free. But it’s nice getting-“  
_  
“You’re getting paid?!”  
  
_“Yeah, your mom pays me 500 a week.”  
_  
“What?”  
_  
“Yeah.”  
_  
_“It’s not weird that-“  
_  
“Are you kidding?”  
  
_“It’s no wonder she wants to ‘meet’ me.”  
_  
“Holy fuck! I’m getting some of that money.”  
  
_“No.”  
_  
“Yes?”  
  
_“It’s my money.”  
_  
_“You’re not getting any of it.”  
_  
“Yes. Come on!”  
  
_“No!”  
_  
“Come on!”  
  
————-  
  
(JULY 2017)  
  
  
“How do you picture your wedding?”

 

“You never thought about it?”

 

_“Not really…”_

 

“Shit. I just remembered, last time I touched this subject I freaked you out, right? You said I went on about it when we were in that suite.”

 

_“Yeah. Kind of.”_

 

“Shit. Sorry.”

 

_“Don’t be.”_

 

“Okay. Let’s drop it, and go swimming instead.”

 

_“I didn't bring any swimming shorts.”_

 

“We’re in the middle of the woods and there are no-one around. We’re skinny-dipping, dude.”

 

_“Dude?”_

 

“Dude.”

 

_“I picture my dream wedding small. I want all my friends and family to be there. And I want to get married in a church.”_

 

“Yeah?”

 

_“Yeah. What is your dream wedding?”_

 

“Marrying you.”

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

“Yeah. And I want our wedding song to be ’Til Kingdom Come’.”

 

_“I want to marry you too, some day, in the future.”_

 

“I will marry you one day, Isak Valtersen.”

 

_“Good.”_  
  
  
  
  
_“That night in the suite…”_  


  
“Yeah?”

  
  
_“You talked about how you wanted the proposal and stuff to be. You meant that?”  
_  


“I was manic, Isak. I don't remember it.”  
  


_“But was it any truth to it?”_

_  
_  
“It was a dream formed together by favourite movies and mania.”

  
  
_“Still…”_

  
  
“I would much rather prefer your version of the ceremony.”

  
  
_“You sure?”_

_  
_  
“Yes.”

  
  
“But the proposal thing will be up to me. Deal?”

  
  
_“Deal.”_  
  
———-

  
(AUGUST 2017)  
  


“I got the job!”  
  
_“Really?”_  
  
“Yeah!”  
  
_“That’s so good Even! Congratulations!”_  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
_“We HAVE to celebrate.”_  
  
“You have your first day of school tomorrow.”  
  
_“Yeah, but who needs sleep right?”_  
  
“True.”  
  
_“Come on, what do you want to do for the celebration?”_  
  
“Have lots of lots of sex.”  
  
_“Ha ha. I meant if you wanted a big party or-“_  
  
“Let’s invite everyone and make a huge party at your place. We can play spin the bottle..”  
  
_“Yes! Maybe we finally can help Mahdi and Jonas get laid.”_  
  
“HAH, there’s no helping THAT.”  
  
_“Hey, don’t be mean! But you’re right…”_  
  
“I love you.”  
  
_“I love you too.”  
  
——  
  
(_ OCTOBER 2017)

_  
  
  
_ FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
For you I’ll wait til kingdom come  
Until my day, my day is done  
And say you’ll come, and set me free,  
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me.

  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby, I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Really? Halo?  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Shut up. I like it. Especially the version by Jasmine Thompson  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
You’re a dork  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
But you’re my dork <3  


 

  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN

<3 <3 <3  
  


——————-

  
(NOVEMBER 2017)  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK

 

Take my mind

And take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, heal, heal

 

  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
I’ll be there in fifteen.  
  
  
———————-  
  
(DECEMBER 2017)  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help

I'll shut down the city lights,

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe to make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door I'll carry you way from more

If you need help, if you need help

Your hope dangling by a string

Ill share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
The visit didn't go well?  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
I never realised how sick she actually was, I was too busy being a ignorant brat.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Isak…  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
It’s true. Remember that time I said that shit about my life being better without mentally ill people and ended up pushing you away.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Water under the bridge Isak.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
No. I was an asshole. And I realise now that I should have been there for her, to help her instead of ignoring her and calling her crazy.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
You were just a kid. You're not anymore. It’s still time to make up with her.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Are you home right now?  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
———  
  
(DECEMBER 2017)  
  
  
  
“You okay?”  
  
_“We just had sex. I’m fucking flying!”  
_  
“Not what I meant. I came here to talk you know.”  
  
_“Yes. But then I couldn't keep my hands of you.”  
_  
“And I don’t ever mind that, but I wanted to talk as well.”  
  
_“I know.”  
_  
“How is your mom?”  
  
_“Not getting out in time for Christmas unfortunately. I was hoping it would be me and her this year. But, she is to sick right now.”  
_  
“I’m sorry to hear that.”  
  
_“Yeah.”  
_  
“What are you gonna do instead?”  
  
_“Not go to my dad’s, that’s for sure! I… I guess I’ll just stay here.”  
_  
“No.”  
  
_“Yes.”  
_  
“My mum actually wanted to invite you over for Christmas.”  
  
_“You’re just making that up, right?”  
_  
“No. Of course not.”  
  
_“So if I call her right now she will confirm that?”  
  
_ “Yep.”  
  
_“Fine. I’ll call.”  
_  
“Fine.” **  
**  


 

 

 

 

_“You’re right. She wanted me to come.”  
_  
“Told you so.”  
  
_“Well, I guess we’re spending Christmas together then._ ”  
  
“I guess we are.”  
  
  
  
———-  
  
(JANUARY 2018)  
  
  
  
“If money wasn't an issue, where would you go for our honeymoon?”  
  
_“Our imaginary honeymoon?”  
_  
“Our  future honeymoon yes.”  
  
_“The Maldives.”  
_  
“Really?”  
  
_“Yes.”  
_  
“Really?!”  
  
_“What? You prefer somewhere else?”  
_  
“No. It’s the place I wanted to go as well.”  
  
“ _Really?”  
_  
“Yes.”  
  
“We have to.”  
  
_“If we can afford it, you mean.”  
_  
“We’ll just save money and go there some day.”  
  
_“I’d like that.”  
_  
“Me too.”  


 

 

———————-

  
(JANUARY 2018)  
  


  
_“Even. I have leukaemia. I have cancer.”_

 

“We’ll get through this together.”  
  


——-  
  
(JANUARY 2018)  
  
  
  
_“Even?”_

 

“Yeah?”

 

_“Are you sure it’s okay, me being here? I mean, it’s gonna get really bad, and I’m probably going to need a lot of help as I… as I get sicker.”_

 

“Of course I want you here. I always want you here.” 

 

“And now more than ever. You being here means that I will know how you are, and I won’t have to lay in bed alone all night, worried about you. You have taken care of me for the past year. Now it’s my turn.”  
  
_“I love you.”  
  
  
—  
  
  
“Even?”_

 

_“I need you to be honest with me. About how you feel about all this. I mean, I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you, and I can’t help feeling like right now I’m doing the opposite…”_

 

“Isak, baby.”

 

“I love you. And you don’t ever have to take care of me. It’s not your job, and right now, you don’t need to think about that. Right now, it’s my turn to take care of you. I’m fine now. I take my meds and my parents will help me when needed. Help us both.”

 

“Isak. We will do this together. I will be there for you, every step off the way, just like you’ve always been there for me.”

 

_“You once said something along the lines of ‘the love story isn't epic if no-one dies’, so I guess this makes our love story epic then.”_

 

“Isak…”

 

_“No, don’t. Please don’t. I just need to… I don’t know what I need right now. Shit.”  
  
  
_

 

_Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you_

 

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone_

 

_I love you long after you're gone gone gone_

 

 

 

_——————-_

_  
(JANUARY 2018)_

 

“How many Isaks and Evens are lying just like this right now, do you think?”  


 

_“Infinite.”_

_  
_

 

 

_——————  
(FEBRUARY 2018)  
  
  
  
“‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’ What movie?”_

 

“I don’t know?”

 

_“You don’t know? As a gay man, you don’t know?!”_

 

“I’m not certain I am one hundred percent gay, remember I used to have a girlfriend, plus I don't like do define my sexuality and no I don’t.”

 

_“I finally did it. I finally found a classic you haven't seen.”  
_

“Tell me which one it is. Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

_  
“If you come and sit here, I’ll tell you.”_

 

“But we agreed sit like this in case mom comes home. You know how fast my hand start to wander when I have you pressed up against me…”

 

_“Then I’m not telling you which movie I quoted.”_

 

“But. But. But. This is blackmail.”

 

_“Yes”  
_

 

“FINE. I’ll come. But tell me, so we can watch it.”

 

_“FINE.”_

_  
  
“it’s Brokeback Mountain.”_

 

“Oh.”

 

_“Oh what? Have you seen it?”_

 

“No. I heard it was so sad, I didn’t dare.”   
  
“ _Sorry. We can watch something else.”_

 

“Is it any good?”

 

_“Yeah, I like it. But it is kind of sad.”_

 

“We’ll watch it.”

 

_“You sure?”_

 

“I’ll be fine. Just hold my hand.”

 

_“Okay.”_

 

“Okay.”

_  
  
_

_————-_

 

_(FEBRUARY 2018)  
  
  
  
_ “I hate them.”

 

_“Yeah? Why is that?”_

 

“It depresses me. It means that someone is gone, someone I cared about is gone forever and I will never see them again.”

 

_“I feel like funerals are for the living. To give them a closure. Letting them grieve. Reminding them that they had the privilege to love someone.”_

 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

 

_“You will attend mine, right? Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but when I eventually die, you know.”_

 

“Of course. So that I will be able to say what you just said.”

 

_“What part?”_

 

“I’m going to walk up to the podium, and I’m going to say: ‘I had the privilege of loving Isak Valterson’, and then I will probably break down in tears and sit back down. Or die right there on the spot.”

 

_“Your’re a bit of a dork, you know that?”_

 

_“_ But you love me.”

 

_“I do. I love you so much Even Bech Næsheim.”_

 

_—————-_

_  
(FEBRUARY 2018)  
  
_

 

_“_ Isak Valtersen. Would you do me the honour of marrying me, someday?”

 

_“Are you proposing to me on the bathroom floor, when I’m about to puke my guts out?”_

 

“No I am not. I’m asking you if you will say yes if I ask you one day.”

 

_“Of course I would, you goof.”_

 

_  
——————  
  
(MARCH 2018)  
  
  
  
“Hey.”_

 

“Can I come lay next to you?”

 

_“Always.”_

 

_“It’s going to be okay Even. You’re going to be okay.”_

 

_“You’re going to get through this.”_

 

 

_—————-_

_  
(MARCH 2018)  
_

 

_“Even? May I come in?”_

 

_-  
  
_

“Don’t do that.”

 

_“Why?”  
_

 

“Because you're leaving me.”

_  
_

_-_

_  
  
_

“What are you doing down there?”

 

_“Smoking a joint.”_

 

“What?”

 

_“You said it yourself. I’m dying.”  
  
“Sorry. I meant, would you like to join me?”_

 

_-_

 

 

_“I used to be scared of death, when they first diagnosed me. But then chemo came, and I stopped being able to eat. And suddenly I couldn't do simple stuff, like walking down the street to get something in a store or even take a shower by myself. Suddenly, I was so sick I couldn't leave the bed for days, not even peeing without your help. And that night, when I started throwing up blood, at the same time as I realised that I had failed you, and I was so scared. I was sure that this was the end, and I wouldn't even get to say goodbye to you or know if you would be okay.”  
  
_

_“But then I woke up in the hospital. And I still felt horrible, and knew I couldn't keep doing this. When the doctor came in and said that the chemo didn't work, I was actually relieved. And when he said I only had a month left if they couldn't find a donor, I felt thankful.”_

 

“Thankful?” _  
_

 

_“Thankful I got a whole month to say goodbye to you.”_

 

 

_“I haven't given up Even. I haven't decided to leave you. But the chances of them finding me a match is so slim, I would be a fool to deny the possibility that I may die. Because I may die. That doesn't mean I want to die or want to leave you. It’s just out of my control and I need to accept that.”_

 

 

_-_

 

 

“I felt like I was losing control. Not just when the mania begun, but from the second you told me about the cancer. It was something I couldn't control, something I couldn't fix for you. It made me feel useless. It made me feel like I was failing you.”  
_  
_

 

“And then you just got worse and worse, needing me more and more. And this was the one thing I could do. I could take care of you, try to make your days easier. I could be the one trying to ease your pain. And I was careful, going to see my psychiatrist and taking my meds. But then I forgot to renew my prescription. And by then I could already feel myself becoming manic. But I couldn't burden you or my parents with this. You were so sick and they had their hands full. So i figured I could handle it. But then I couldn’t.”

 

 

 

“And coming to my senses in the hospital, hearing about how you started coughing up blood and having to be picked up in an ambulance, I felt so horrible. I wasn't there for you on your worst, and it was because I couldn't take care of myself. I felt so stupid. The night I snuck out to stay with you, when you told me that I was going to be okay, not saying we anymore, something in me broke. I hadn't been there when you got the news about the cancer the first time, and now I had messed up so I wasn't able to be there the second time either. When the doctor had told you that you didn't have much time left. When the doctor had given you news who made you stop thinking about an us.” 

 

 

 

_“We’ll get through this together.”_

_  
  
_

_—-  
  
  
_ “Where do you think we go when our bodies die?” _  
_

_“I’ve never thought about that.”_

 

“You have accepted dying, but never thought about what happens when you do?”

 

_“We’ll, I mean, I’ve never believed in a life after death you know? I’ve never believed in God.”  
_

_“I mean, these last few weeks I wished I believed. I wished I had something to believe in. Like if I had, it would make things easier. It would make this easier.”_

_  
_

_—————  
  
  
“What the hell are you doing?”_

 

“I don’t want to live without you. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to watch you die.”

 

 

————-

 

  
_“What about if I say I wanted to see Jonas?”_  
  
“They knew you were tired so it would make no sense that you’d go to him instead of getting him to come to you.”

 

 

_“Right.”_

 

_“How about we went for a walk since you felt better and I wanted to see the park because I’m dying?”_

 

“Please stop talking about you dying Isak.”

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

“It’s not your fault, you didn't choose this. I just can’t handle you saying it, saying that you're dying. It makes the situation worse, hearing your voice speak those words.”

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

“Stop saying you're sorry.” 

  
  
——————-

  
  
“Isak, please.”

 

——————

 

 

**“Why did you try to kill yourself last night Even?”**

 

“I didn't want to be left behind.”

 

**“So you wanted to leave Isak behind, leave him alone in this? Don’t you think that’s kind of selfish?”**

 

“I don't care anymore.”

 

———————-

 

FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 11.23

Sorry I left earlier. Are you okay?

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21

I love you Even, please be safe.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK 03.27

What does it matter? You’re leaving me anyway.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN 07.18

Please talk to us today at the appointment. We can’t help you when you won’t talk.

 

 

———

FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 10.17

I really wish you would have talked, but I loved seeing you today.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21  
  
I love you Even <3

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 08.24

I’m running a little late, but I will try to be there on time. I love you.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 10.59

We can’t keep going like this Even. I think you should maybe go alone to the next appointment. Actually talk to her. Please do that, for yourself. For your parents. For me.  


 

  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21

I love you Even <3  


 

———-

 

FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 05.03  
  
I can’t sleep, cuz sleep is the cousin of death.   
I need you.

 

  


FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 05.06

When is the appointment today?

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 05.07

10.30am

 

  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 05.18  
  
I’ll be there.  


 

————

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m afraid. I’m afraid to loose Isak. I know that people deal with this every day, losing someone they love. But I can’t take anymore loss. I have fought so hard to pull my life together and Isak is the glue that holds me in place. I need him to stay alive. And I know this is out of our control, but when he gave up, something in me broke.”   
  
“I know that death is part of life. I know the possibility of us staying together forever is only that; a possibility. But I also know deep down that I really want to stay with Isak forever. I want us to buy a house and adopt kids and have a dog. I want us to live. And if Isak can’t live to make the choice wether he wants to be part of my life or not, I don’t want to live either.”

 

 

**“But why did you try to kill yourself Even? Isak isn't dead yet. He they might find a donor. All hope isn't lost yet.”**

 

“I didn't want to watch the love of my life die. I didn't want to be the one left behind.”

 

**“So you wanted to leave Isak behind, leave him alone in this?”**

 

“No, no, absolutely not!”

 

**“But that’s what would’ve happened. He would have been left alone if you died.”**

 

“I didn't think about it that way. All I can think about is being left behind.”

 

**“No. You didn’t. You just let those emotions of darkness take you. You let them control you and you didn't even think about what would have happened. You guys still have a shot at a life together. Wether Isak gets a marrow transplantation or not, you guys still have time together. Use it. Don't waste it on sitting here, being angry at the situation. Go out, live. And if things take a bad turn, I’ll be here Even. And you can come back, and we’ll talk about how to live on, how to move past something like this. But right now, the best thing for you is leaving this office and appreciate the time you have left with you beautiful boyfriend. Stop acting so selfishly.”**

 

“Fuck you.”

 

**“Excuse me?”**

 

“Don’t you dare turn this around and make me out to be some kind of asshole! I am fucking bipolar. It means that when something hurts me, I feel it thousand times more powerful than you. I fucking hurt. And you're sitting there, criticising that hurt, telling me I’m an asshole. Fuck you.”

 

————-

 

(APRIL 2018)

  


FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 12.06  
  
I’m sorry about earlier.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 12.46  
  
Isak, please.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 13.58  
  
Isak. Please answer me so I know that you are okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.50  
  
I love you. Please be okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 20.59  
  
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.  
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.  
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.   
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 21.21  
  
I love you too, Even.

 

————  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.23  
  
Moved back to my dad’s place. Will come for my stuff tomorrow.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.24  
  
Please don’t give up on me

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.35  
  
I’m not. But me being there makes this too hard for you.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 16.37  
  
You not being here makes it impossible for me.

 

 

FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 16.59  
  
I’m so sorry Even. 

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 17.02  
  
When is your appointment tomorrow?

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 17.03  
  
9am.

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN - 17.05  
  
One more try.

 

  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK - 17.47  
  
Thank you. 

  
  


———  
  
(APRIL 2018)

 

 

“I’m sorry Isak.”

  
  
_“You’ve got nothing to apologise for.”_

 

“But I do. I fucked up. I’ve wasted so many days, days I could have spent with you. I almost lost my chance to be there for you through the end. I love you so much, and come what may, I want to stand next to you.”

 

_“I love you too.”  
  
“I need to tell you something.”_

 

“Okay?”

 

_“You have to promise to stay calm, or I won’t tell you. We can’t have another week like this.”_

 

“I promise.”

 

_“Don’t just say that to make me speak. Actually mean it. Promise me. Swear it.”_

 

“I swear.”

 

_“I… I was at the hospital two days ago. For a checkup. My body is shutting down. They’re not sure if even a transplant is enough now. If my kidneys shut down I…”_

 

“Isak.”

 

_“But my dad is a match. And we’re going in for a marrow transplantation in three days. I’m fighting Even. I’m fighting for my life. For our life.”_

 

“I’ll fight with you. Every last step.”

 

—————

 

 

“I didn’t write a speech, knowing that it would have broken my soul to do so. I decided to do this like I do everything. Make it up as I go. That’s what life is about, right? Making it up as you go.

 

From the first second I laid hands on Isak Valtersen, I was in love with him. People asked me, how can you love a person you haven't even met? Easily. He looked like an angel. And getting to know him made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. And when he liked me back, I was in heaven.

 

And I continued to be, every day until the last. Isak was the love of my life, and I will never meet anyone like him again. Ours were an epic love story, and like all epic love stories ever written; the main character died.

 

Sometimes I find myself wishing our love story wasn't epic, so that I wouldn't have to feel this broken. To quote John Green, “You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”

 

I believe that is true. The pain I feel right now is so strong, I have never felt anything like it. But I have asked myself so many times over the past months, does that mean it wasn't worth it? The answer is no. The love I have felt was so strong, so all consuming, I wouldn't have traded it for nothing. If I had the opportunity, would I have chosen to never meet him? No. Because even if we only got a very limited time together, it was worth it. Being in love with and loved by Isak Valtersen has been the highest honour in my life.

 

’It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.’

 

I had the privilege of loving Isak Valtersen, and I don't regret a second of it.”

 

 

———————

 

 

“Isak Valtersen, would you do me the honour of marrying me?”

  
  
—  
  
_“Yes.”_  
  
  
————————  
  
  
_“I do.”_  
  
  
——————  
  
  
  
“Are you ready?”

 

_“No.”_

 

“You think you’ll be ready in a few minutes?”

 

_“No.”_

 

“When will you be ready then?”

 

_“I doubt I’ll ever be ready.”_

 

“I know.”

 

“Minute by minute right?”

 

_“Our minutes are kinda running out.”_

 

“I know.”

 

“It will be fine Isak.”

 

_“You don’t know that Even.”_

 

“If you believe it will be fine, if you fight, you still have a chance Isak. Yeah, maybe you will die. But you can’t only think about dying. You need to think about living. Please.”

 

_“I-“_

 

“Please.”

 

_“I’ll fight. I promise.”_

 

“Good.”

 

_“I love you Even.”_

 

“I love you too Isak. Minute by minute. Til Kingdom Come.”


	9. Chapter 9

JONAS’ POV  
  
Jonas hated this. Waiting. Not knowing. Not being able to do anything. Sitting here, doing nothing. He couldn't take this. He just couldn’t. His eyes were glued to the floor, had been for the last hour. He didn't want to look at any of the others. He couldn't take this. Isak may be dying. They were probably too late. Why hadn't they done this weeks ago? Instead of that stupid chemo.   
  
Watching his friend disappear in front of his eyes had been the hardest thing Jonas had ever done in his entire life. Until now. This was so much harder. The not knowing. The uncertainty. The waiting game. Seconds slowly ticking by, time running out.   
  
A body slumped down beside him. He glanced at whoever it was. _Even_. They hadn't exchanged a single word since the wedding. Jonas had done a speech praising them both. Right now he felt resentment towards Even. The older boy didn't look that stressed. Why wasn't he stressed? Jonas didn't bother asking. He knew it would come out way to loud and way to harsh.   
  
“Hey.” Even said, and finally Jonas could hear that he was wrong. Even was only calm on the outside. He was breaking down on the inside. Just like Jonas.  
  
“Hey.” Jonas managed to whisper. He couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't breathe, he felt like he was suffocating. He got up from his chair, and walked towards the door. He could hear his friends asking him where he was going. He walked faster. Finally outside, he hoped the fresh air could help him. It didn’t.   
  
It was sunny outside. It was a beautiful spring morning. There was birds singing and it was warm outside. Isak liked the spring. Fuck. Jonas still felt like he was suffocating. He started walking. Then he started running.   
  
“Jonas!” He heard someone call his name, but he just kept running. He needed to get away from this, get away from his thoughts. The only way he knew too do that was by running. So he ran faster. And faster. And faster.  
  
And suddenly he found himself at the park again. The park where Isak had first broken down in tears. It felt like a lifetime ago. He wished he could turn back the time, go back to that moment and try and change something. Anything. But what could he have done? _Nothing._ He stopped by the bench, falling to his knees as he looked at it. And then the tears started pressing. He tried to blink them away.  
  
“Jonas.” He felt a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't turn around. He didn't need to. He knew that voice. It was Even. Jonas didn't understand how Even could have followed him, left the waiting room. Left Isak.  
  
“Why are you here? Why did you leave Isak?”  
  
“Why did _you_ leave Isak?”  
  
And then Jonas cried. Even helped him up on his feet, and they both sat down on the bench. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Even just reached out and embraced Jonas. Jonas grabbed onto Evens jacket, held on for dear life and broke down completely, sobbing his heart out. 

 

He understood why Isak talked about feeling safe in the older boys arms. Even was really good at holding someone, embracing them. At hugs. Jonas had never wanted to be friends with Even or sit this close to him. He just accepted him. Now he was grateful for him, and mad at himself. How could he resent Even when Even was so kind, so gentle, so caring? Jonas felt like an asshole.  
  
When the tears stopped running Jonas sat up straight, pulling out from Even’s embrace. He mumbled a quiet thank you but didn't meet Even’s eyes.   
  
Still looking at the ground, he decided to ask Even something. He might not get another chance to ask anyway. “Why did you try to kill yourself?” Realising it might sound like he was criticising Even he held up his hands and added “And I’m not criticising it, I just wondered. If you really wanted to die, or if it was because the pain was too much. Because the pain I feel right now, it’s so all-consuming, I feel like I couldn't handle it being any worse than this. And I know you feel pain so much stronger than me, so I wondered, did you wanna die or was it because of the pain?”  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Jonas realised he had probably overstepped and that Even wouldn't answer him. And that would be fine, Jonas could understand that. But then Even spoke. “It was the pain.”  
  
More silence. Jonas accepted that answer. It was what he had expected. He didn't think Even really had wanted to die. He knew from Isak what he had said about not wanting to be left behind. He figured it was only half of the truth. The rest was the pain. Jonas had spoken to Magnus and his mother a few times over the last few months. Mostly so he would know how to approach Even, seeing as Isak lived with him now and Jonas wanted to be with Isak, but also for help on how to be around Isak. And they had spoken about Even’s attempted suicide.

  
“Those first days after they told me, after I found out, that Isak was dying, the pain was so great. I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t have anything to compare it to. I told Isak and my therapist that it was because I didn't want to be left behind, so that they’d worry a little less. I wanted them to think I was only confused and irrational because of the bipolar thing. But it was the pain. And it’s still there. It hasn't lessened. I’m afraid it never will. I will always live with it. If he lives I will always worry about this happening again. About the cancer coming back or him dying in another way. Because I know now, how horribly painful it is to know that I’m losing him. But him dying now would be even worse. So you see, I can’t win here Jonas. I will always be in this pain. It will never leave me. That’s why I did it. But then I realised that it ended up hurting Isak, almost as bad. And I couldn't be the reason that he was in pain. So I eventually pulled myself together, to be there for him. But I didn't get any better. I don't feel any better. I will never be that happy guy I was a year ago. This pain will never dull.” Even had been staring out into the distance, but now he turned his head and looked at Jonas. Jonas decided to meet his eyes. “Sorry about putting this on you, I know this is a lot to take in.”  
  
“I already knew, kind of.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“Magnus’ mother. She is also bipolar. So I kind of figured that you would be feeling this way. But, I don’t know… I just wanted to make sure. That it was the pain and not an underlaying death wish or something. Because the pain thing… that’s understandable. We all understand that. We all feel that. Not as strongly, but… Yeah. We understand.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I’m glad you asked him to marry you. He deserved to have that experience.”  
  
“I though so too. I wanted to marry him. I wasn't planning to ask him when we were this young. But I wanted to do it while I had a chance to. No matter how this goes, at least we committed to each other in every way, you know?”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Maybe we should go back? There might be any news.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
They got up and walked back in silence.  
  
  
——————  
  
  
MARIANNE’S POV (ISAK’S MOM)  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO MOM  
Hi mom. I’ve started dating a boy. I know you believe in God and that the bible says it’s a sin, but you don’t have to be afraid because it also says that God created everyone in his image and that everyone is of equal worth. I’m sorry if this makes you sad. Hugs, Isak.  
  
  
She had re-read the text about a hundred times the past hour. Just like she had done the day she gotten it, before answering her son. Her son. She loved him, of course she did.   
  
Being sick wasn't a choice, they all comforted her by saying nothing were her fault. But she hadn't been there for her sick son. What kind of mother isn't there for their sick, dying son?  


_One who was sick herself._  
  
She remembered things in bits and pieces. She knew Isak had been angry with her a long time, and then he suddenly stopped being angry. He became that kind, generous, caring kid he used to be when he was younger. She knew Even was the reason behind that. She had met Even a few times over the last years. He was always kind to her, even on days when she herself was mean to them. She didn't mean to be like that. She just couldn't stop herself.  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO MOM  
Depth over distance was all I asked of you

And everybody round here's acting like a stone

Still there's things I'd do, darling, I'd go blind for you

If you let it grow sometimes, let it grow sometimes, let it grow

Just let it grow sometimes  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO MOM  
I’m sorry I couldn't stay longer, the nurse threw me out. I love you mom.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO MOM  
We’ll stop by you on Christmas Eve mom. I love you.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO MOM  
I love you mom.  
  
  
She kept looking at these messages, over and over. She cherished them. Right now it was all she had to comfort herself with. Isak might not make it. Her husband wasn't here, so she had no-one. She was alone in this waiting room. Even had just ran after Isak’s friend. She was pretty sure his name started with a J, but it had been so long since she had seen him, she couldn't remember his name. All she could remember was that he took care of her boy when the shit went down two years ago. And probably for a long time both before and after. He was a kind kid. She liked him.  
  
But she was alone here right now. And she was scared for her little boy. She could remember him as a kid. All smiles and laughter, happy. Not a care in the world. Playing around the house. Going on holidays together. His first day of kindergarten. His first day of school. How happy he was, playing with his dad in the back yard. Going skiing. Going camping. Always happy. But she couldn't remember much from his teen years. Only bits and pieces.  
  
Him not understanding why she was acting like she was. Him hiding away when she and Terje fought. Him ignoring her even when she was sane. Him moving out, leaving her.  
  
Then him sending her that text, about being gay, about God. And after her reply, he suddenly came around to see her again. Not right away, but after a few weeks. He had showed up at that church concert she wanted to go to. She was so happy about that.  
  
She didn't really care if he was gay or straight, she loved her boy. And she had grown to love Even too. It was only the days when the voices in her head took over that she ever said something bad about homosexuality. But Even never buckled at it. He stood strong, holding Isak’s hand so Isak wouldn't be angry at her. After a while Isak didn't need any help to stay calm. He just was. He stopped being angry at her, and took care of her regardless of what she said or did to him.  
  
And now. Him being sick. She hadn't been there for that either. She hadn't come to her senses before this last few weeks. They had switched her meds before Christmas and she was sick for over three months. Isak’s last three months. _She couldn't think like that. He might live.  
_  
_He had to live._  
  
She could feel someone sit down next to her, putting a hand on her arm. “Hey.”  
  
She looked up, and saw a pretty blond girl smiling at her. “Hello.”  
  
“I’m Linn. Mind if I sit with you?”  
  
“Not at all.”  
  
———-  
  
  
LISA’S POV  
  
She had debated going over to sit with Marianne. She could see how scared the poor woman was. And she was alone here, with her husband being in surgery. And her boy… Lisa sometimes had to remind herself that Isak was Marianne’s son, not her own. But he felt like her own. That was mainly the reason she hadn't walked over to Marianne yet. She was afraid Marianne didn't want her there, after she had imposed and claimed Isak. Taken Isak away from Marianne and Terje. But she and Anders had just offered Isak to stay. They hadn't actually forced him. But maybe they should have encouraged him more when it came to telling his parents, letting them be there for him.  
  
She remember how scared he had been to move around their apartment at the beginning. Sure, he had spent the night there many times before. But it took a few weeks for him to be comfortable with going into the kitchen to get himself some food or something to drink without asking for permission. And then when he got sicker, he was too shy to ask for their help until Even practically shouted at him during a dinner to just ‘fucking ask for help’. Even hadn't been angry, just frustrated and scared. Isak started asking for help after that.  
  
She adored Isak. Not only because of his sweet face, but his whole persona. The humour, the smiles. The gentleness and the polite attitude. But mostly she loved him for how he cared for Even. He was so good for her own boy.  
  
She remembered how hard it had been, the first time she and Anders heard about Even’s diagnose. How helpless she felt. How broken her boy had been. How he had kept apologising. For something he couldn't control. That’s why she had never said anything about Isak’s parents not just forcing him to come home and taken care of him themselves. She knew how to not judge. She knew that being sick wasn't a choice but something you couldn't do anything about.  
  
Having Sonja around helped for a while. But she had handled the situation wrong. She had become nervous and scared, and therefore started to act controlling. And that pushed Even in the wrong direction. It made him snap several times over the years. But Lisa didn't want to force Even to break up with her. She tried guiding Sonja in the right direction a few times, and it helped a bit.  
  
But then Even came home and told her he had broken up with Sonja. He had met a boy. His name was Isak, and he looked like an angel. She had laughed at that. But then she met Isak, and she could see what her son saw in him. She could see how good he was for Even. How well he handled Even, without controlling him. How he loved Even. And how Even loved him back.   
  
She had hated watching Isak becoming so sick, but she was so happy that he had accepted their help. He had helped her family so much by being there for Even. Helping him now was the least she and Anders could do.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO MOM  
Can you come get us? We’re at the bus stop near Eva’s house.  
  
  
  
She looked at the message. It was a few months old. It was from the night Even had gotten the news. She had learned about it the day after. She hadn't pushed for them to talk that night, seeing how broken they were. She knew something was wrong, she was after all a mother. But she also knew that they would come to her when they were ready to talk.  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO LISA  
At Jonas’. Coming with Even to therapy tomorrow, pick me up on the way there.  
  
FROM ISAK TO LISA  
He won’t talk to us. Will try again tomorrow.  
  
FROM ISAK TO LISA  
I miss you and Anders. Will come home when Even is better, I promise.  
  
FROM LISA TO ISAK  
I love you Isak. Take care of yourself.  
  
FROM ISAK TO LISA  
I will. I love you too.  
  
  
  
They had kept in contact both by text and by phone when Even had been depressed. She had never seen her boy that broken before. She knew he was in pain. She knew he didn't mean to be this way. But every night, she laid in bed, crying in her husbands arms, because time was running out. Even being this way meant he lost time with Isak. And Isak dying meant that Lisa would probably lose her own boy. Well, it felt like Isak was her boy as well, so she would be losing two boys.   
  
The world was cruel and unfair. Even had experienced enough heartbreak and hard times. Isak too. This, this fucking cancer, was so god damn unfair. She hated it. And Lisa wasn't a woman of hate.  
  
She looked over at Marianne again. That girl from Isak’s old flat, Linn, had sat down next to Marianne, holding her hand. Lisa bit her lip. She wanted to go over there to. To try and comfort Marianne. They were losing the same kid. They should be in this together. The worst that could happen was that Marianne would ask her to go away. She could take that.  
  
Lisa rose from her chair, whispered to her husband where she was going, and walked over to Marianne. She sat down next to her and held out a hand. “I’m Lisa. Even’s mom.”  
  
“Marianne.”  
  
“Is it fine if I sit with you?”  
  
“Yes. Yes of course.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
They sat in silence for a while. The girl, Linn, excused herself to go and get something to drink. She said she would bring back something for them as well.  
  
“It should be me thanking you.” Marianne said when Linn had disappeared.   
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“You took care of my boy when I couldn’t.”  
  
“Don’t worry about it love, it was a pleasure.”  
  
“I’m really sorry I’m such a shitty mom.”  
  
“You’re not. You have managed to raise a wonderful son. He wouldn't have turned out that way if you were a shitty mom.”  
  
“It’s kind of you, but-“  
  
“No. Isak is wonderful. He has helped me take care of my boy for over a year now. The least I could do was return the favour. And you are not a shitty mom Marianne. You are sick, and that is not your fault. Isak loves you just the way you are. Even too. Don’t ever think you are a bad person just because you are sick. You are not your illness. Okay?”  
  
“I… Thank you.”  
  
“Lets sit here and pray together for our boy. He will make it if be believe hard enough.”  
  
“Thank you Lisa. Really. Thank you.”  
  
“Thank you yourself.”  
  
Marianne grabbed her hand and Lisa squeezed it back. And then they sat in silence, holding hands and praying to God that Isak would be fine. Lisa wasn't especially religious, but she knew Marianne was. So they prayed in silence, for their boy For both of their boys.  
  
  
———

 

 

EVA’S POV  
  
Eva couldn't stop crying. She had cried since they held that funeral. She cried through the entire wedding. And she had cried since she walked into the hospital this morning. Which is why she hadn't gone in to see Isak before his operation; she didn't want to upset him.   
  
She was now seated between Noora and Chris, holding both their hands, but no-one said anything. They were just waiting in silence. She had been shocked by Jonas leaving, and then Even following. How could they? Isak could be out of surgery any minute, and they would get the news and… And she suddenly realised it wouldn't actually matter whether they were here just when they got the news. If Isak made it he wouldn't wake up instantly. If he didn't make it, they would get the news soon enough.   
  
Thinking about this made Eva cry even more. She hadn't cried this much in over a year. She had become stronger, more independent. She had figured out who she was and gotten a confidence. She had started dating Christoffer, but not like an exclusive thing. She knew he could be a fuckboy. But he was also kind towards her, and took care of her. He had been especially good at that these last few months. He wasn't actually a friend of Isak’s, but he cared about Isak in his own way. She was grateful for him. She didn't love him. She was careful with her heart after what had happened with Jonas.  
  
Speaking of Jonas she really hoped he would return soon. She wanted him to be there when they got the news. Jonas, Isak and herself had been a trio for a long time. So it was only naturally that she wanted Jonas to be here when they got the news, right?  
  
Or maybe she still loved him. She didn't know. And right now she didn't care. It wasn't important.   
  
  
———  
  
ANDERS’S POV  
  
He was sitting next to the girl named Sana and talking quietly. She was telling a story about Isak and their talks about homosexuality when he was coming out and coming to terms with being in love with Even. He found her world view fascinating and very helpful as a distraction right now.  
  
“And I told him, that if someone tries to use their religion to argument for their hate, then he shouldn't listen to them. Because hate doesn't come from religion, it comes from fear.” Sana said, before looking down at the tiled floor.  
  
“You’re right. I don’t believe in God or anything, but I believe in the last thing you said there. Prejudice is just ignorance.” Anders said, trying to force a small smile.   
  
He wasn't a man who talked a lot about his feelings but he loved Isak just like he loved his son. And he was so grateful for Isak entering their lives, becoming Even’s boyfriend. Anders didn't care about his son dating a boy. That was fine by him, as long as his son was happy and healthy. And Isak helped him be just that. Anders had done some research about how to be parent to a gay kid. Just in case any of them ever needed any help.  
  
But now Isak was maybe dying, and Anders knew his son couldn't come back from that. There would be no helping him. There would be no saving him. He would never get pass it.   
  
Anders hadn't understood Even’s illness in the beginning, being to busy freaking out that he had a mentally ill kid. A psycho. But then he got yelled at a lot by his wife, and started reading up on it. Figuring out that Even was still Even, he just needed meds and help. And Anders made it his mission to try and understand Even, always, as well as be there for him and take care of him.  
  
He could still remember that day, when his son had stood in the middle of the living room, looking nervously at Anders who sat in the sofa, and asked if his dad still loved him. It had broken Anders heart. Of course he loved his boy. And he had told him that, over and over.  
  
So he understood exactly what this would do to Even. Even would hurt so bad he would never survive it. And Anders didn't know if he and Lisa could survive losing both their boys. Because he considered Isak to be their boy as well.   
  
Especially now, when they were married. He couldn't quite grasp that. They were married. Young boys, 18 and 20 years old, and they were married. But he had supported it. He had wanted them to have this. He still did. And he hoped Isak lived so that they could be together for many years. Many many years.  


  
Just as Sana walked over to her friends Even and Jonas came back. Jonas went over to a crying Eva, pulling her into his arms, as close as he could. Even walked over to Anders and sat down. “Dad.” He whispered brokenly and Anders just pulled him into a hug. “I know son, I know.”  
  
They sat like that for a few minutes before the doctor entered the waiting room, asking for Isak Valtersen’s relatives. Everyone stood up, and the doctor looked unsure until Marianne told him that it was okay. That they were all Isak’s family.  
  
“The surgery was harder than expected. Isak flatlined a few times on the table. We just have to wait and see if he wakes up and if his brain is still functioning. He’s in the ICU, you can go in one at a time.”  
  
Anders could feel his world crashing. Isak wasn't dead yet, he reminded himself. There was hope. But looking into his sons despairing face, he couldn't shake the feeling that this was it. This was the end of the world as he knew it.  
  
———-  
  
  
MARIANNE’S POV  
  
She was sitting by Isak’s bedside, holding his pale, slim hand, and crying softly.   
  
“My beautiful boy.” she whispered. He looked so small in that hospital bed. So fragile. He didn’t look like there was any fight left in him. She hoped she was wrong about that.  
  
She was at a loss right now. She wished Terje was here, but he was waking up from the surgery in another hospital room. She knew there was other people waiting to see Isak. She knew tim might be running out. But she just wanted to sit here and hold his hand for a little while longer.  
  
And suddenly she knew what to do. She started singing softly for her little boy, just like she used to do when he was younger. Much much younger. She picked the song Isak had kept texting her this past year, whenever life was hard.   
  
_“Depth over distance every time, my dear_

_And this tree of ours may grow tall in the woods_

_But it's the roots that will bind us here_

_To the ground_

 

_Depth over distance was all I asked of you_

_And I may be foolish to fall as I do_

_Still there's strength in the blindness you fear_

_If you're coming too_

_If you're coming too_

 

_Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on_

 

_Depth over distance was all I asked of you_

_And everybody round here's acting like a stone_

_Still there's things I'd do, darling, I'd go blind for you_

_If you let grow sometimes, let it grow sometimes, let it grow_

_Just let it grow sometimes_

 

_Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on_

 

_Depth over distance every time, my dear,_

_And I may be foolish to fall as I do_

_Still there's strength in the blindness you fear_

_If you're coming too, hmm_

_If you're coming too_

 

_Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on_

_To know this ride we're on_

_To know this ride we're on"  
  
  
_ As the silence started growing heavy again, Marianne realised that there was someone else who needed to come in. She could come back later.  
  
Rising from her chair, she bent over the bed and kissed her boy on his forehead. “Fight my boy. Fight for your life. Fight to live. Fight to live for me. For Even. Fight for your husband, ‘cause he won’t make it if you die now. And neither will I.”  
  
  
————

 

JONAS’ POV  
  
Isak looked so small in that hospital bed. He had always been small, even when healthy. He had been even smaller last time he was admitted. But now there was only skin and bone left. He was pale and his breathing was weak, despite the machine helping him. He looked like he was already dead, but the beeping machine in the corner told them that his heart was still beating.  
  
Jonas and Eva had been allowed in together. Eva needed Jonas for support and he needed her too. They both needed to see their friend. This might be goodbye. This might be the last time for the trio. They needed to say goodbye together.   
  
She was sitting on the other side of the bed. They were each holding one of Isak’s hands. And each others over the bed. Forming a small circle. Their circle.   
  
“You remember that song Isak was humming on a few weeks ago?”  
  
“Yeah, the one he kept sending us all by text?”  
  
“Let’s sing it.”  
  
“I.. i can’t. I’ll just cry.”  
  
“I’ll sing then. The part I remember.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
_“Yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong._

_Oh, no, no, no, no._

_Keep your mind set, keep you hair long._

_Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep you heart strong._

_No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways,_

_Keep your heart strong._

_'Cause I'll always remember you the same._

_Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.”_

_  
  
——————-  
  
_ ESKILD’S POV  
  
Eskild had never imagined himself sitting next to this hospital bed, holding Isak’s hand, when he had taken him in two years ago. He had never imagined Isak getting this sick when he had first told them about being sick.   
  
Eskild felt like the universe was playing a cruel joke on them. Isak had finally become comfortable with himself, found his place in the world, and then this happened. Still, Eskild was so proud of him, for how he handled life. Isak was so strong, a fighter. He never let anything bring him down. He also rose from the depth. He always came back up when someone pushed him down. He hoped that was the case this time as well.  
  
The nurse hadn't been so strict about one at a time after all. Eskild went in with Linn and Noora. It felt right, being there together. They were roommates. None of them had moved into Isak’s room. Instead Noora slept with Eskild or Linn. It just wasn't right to take his room. So they left it like it was.  
  
Eskild stroked Isak’s hand carefully. He didn't know what to say. None of them said anything. And that was fine. They enjoyed the silence, because that meant hearing the steady beep of the heart monitor. And that was the only thing holding him together now, Eskild realised. Hearing Isak’s heart still beating.  
  
  
  
—————  
  
SANA’S POV  
  
Sana had went in with Vilde, Magnus, Madhi, and Chris. They were sitting around the bed, crying. She was the only one of them who hadn't cried a single tear yet today. But now she could feel herself breaking down. She couldn't stay strong any longer. Isak looked like he was dying. She felt like this was the end.  
  
But she clung to her faith, desperately. Allah would save Isak, she just had to believe it.   
  
She looked over at Vilde, who were unusually quiet for once. Sana wished someone would break the silence, say something. Maybe she would have to be the person doing it.  
  
“Have you guys ever heard the serenity prayer?” She asked, remembering Isak telling it to her. They had talked about his mother and her obsession with God. And that quote.  
  
Mahdi nodded and said a weak “yeah.”  
  
Magnus and Vilde just shook their heads.   
  
“Wanna say it with me?” Sana asked Mahdi.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
“God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. 

Amen.”  
  
  
“Please don’t die Isak. We’re not ready to lose you yet. Please hold on.”  
—————  
  
  
LISA’S POV  
  
“Isak, please fight.” Lisa whispered as she carefully grasped the young boy’s hand. Her husband was on the other side, holding Isak’s other hand. She looked at him. He was crying. He never cried. But she knew why he was crying. This didn't look good. They needed a miracle right now.   
  
If Isak died, Even would too. They both knew it, had known for a while now. And neither of them could imagine surviving the loss of both their boys. So they needed a miracle.   
  
“Isak we love you so much. Please fight. Fight to live. I know it’s hard. I know it’s so so hard. But we need you to live. You have to live. Think of all the things you and Even have yet to experience. If you get through this, we are gonna help you guys go on a honeymoon wherever you want. We’ll help you get an apartment together. We’ll do anything for you guys, just please live.” she knew that begging a dying boy probably was both selfish and unproductive, but she couldn't help herself.  
  
And Anders didn't exactly stop her. He just sat still, cried and held onto Isak.  
  
And so did Lisa. They sat like that for a long while, neither wanting to go. Because when they left it would be Even’s turn, and they weren't ready for him breaking down just yet. They needed a few more minutes of knowing he was alive and breathing outside the door. They needed more time.   
  
  
But there was no more time. And they both knew it.

 

 

————-

 

EVEN’S POV  
  
  
Even could barely walk through the door. He just heard it close behind him, and stood glued to the floor. Marianne had warned him carefully about how tiny and fragile Isak looked. It was worse than he imagined. He felt his throat close up, he couldn't breathe. He wanted to turn and run away from this. He couldn't do this. He just couldn’t.   
  
He looked at Isak. At the machines keeping him alive. He closed his eyes and listened to that steady beep. He grounded himself, took a deep breath and walked over to the bed. Ignoring the chair, he carefully crawled into the bed and laid next to Isak, an arm around his boyfriend. Husbandactually, his husband. His lover. His everything. And he cried silently. He had wanted to go in last, so that he didn't have anyone waiting outside, rushing him. He wanted to stay here until the end. If this was going to be the end of them he was damn well going to stay here through it all.  
  
“Through thick and thin, come hell or high water. In sickness and in health.”  
  
He remembered the wedding yesterday. It had been so beautiful. It felt like ages ago. Especially when he looked at Isak now. Even continued to cry. Fiddled with the ring on his finger, and suddenly remembering he had Isak’s in his pocket. He got it out and carefully slipped it onto Isak’s finger. Putting it where it belonged.  
  
  
There were so many things he wanted to tell Isak, but he had never gotten around to it. And now it may be too late. He wished he had spoken to Isak before. He wished he had mustered up the courage to approach him the first day he saw him. He wanted more time. He wanted years and years of time. But all they had now was minutes. So Even would cherish them, minute by minute.  
  
“I lied to you once. I told you that I had forgotten my ID at home that time you wanted me to buy beer. But I had it in my pocket. I just wanted to spend time with you. And we had such a good time, but then my friends arrived. I had forgotten that they were coming. I felt so bad about it when you left, looking like a kicked puppy. Thats when I realised that I maybe had a chance.”  
  
  
“When you first told me about the cancer I was in denial. I was in denial a long time I think. It wasn't until that night at the hospital, hearing them say that you really were dying, that I realised it was real, that you could die. And the pain was so overwhelming, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Or move. Or think. All I could do was focus on the pain. And I knew that if you actually did die, it would be so much worse. And I knew that I would probably either die from that, or my mind would shut down. And then they would lock me up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life, no way to escape. I couldn't handle that. So thats why I tried. But then you came home, and I saw the pain in your face, the same one I felt. And I knew I couldn't put you through that.”  
  
  
“I regret every second of the week we spent apart. I lost so many minutes with you. So much time I can never get back. I hate myself for how I acted. I wish I could go back and do better, be better, for you.”  


  
“I’m really grateful that you agreed to marry me Isak. I wanted to commit to you in every way. I was going to ask you if we could take your name, so that I would always carry a piece of you with me. But I forgot to ask you. And now it’s too late for that.”  


  
“It’s too late for many things. There is no turing back time, I know that. But can you please fight for me Isak? I need you. I know that’s really selfish of me to say, but I really really do need you. So much. I love you. Please don’t die. Please live. Please.”  
  
  
Even hadn't meant to start ranting but when he opened his mouth he just did. He knew that he would get no answer. His heart ached at the sound of silence anyway. The sound of silence and Isak’s heart-monitor.   
  
Hours came and went, and Even stayed. The nurses let him stay on the bed, just gently telling him to be careful so I didn't pull out any tubes or the IV or something. Even just nodded, his eyes glued to Isak.  
  
When night fell, Marianne entered the room, asking him if it were okay that she joined him. He just whispered a ‘yes’.  
  
His own parents came in as well as Jonas. The rest of their friends were sleeping out in the waiting room. Even didn't really care. He only cared about Isak.  
  
His parents and Jonas took a seat in the corner of the room. Even looked over at them. His mother was crying into his fathers shoulder. Jonas was curled up in a chair, his head buried between himself and his knees. Marianne had taken a seat on the side of Isak’s bed that Even wasn't laying on. Even looked back at Isak and then threw a quick look at Marianne. She looked so clearheaded, so… fine. She wasn't freaking out or having an episode. Even felt like he was about to, any second. He couldn't figure out how she could be this calm.  
  
A nurse pushed Terje in a wheelchair into the room, and placed him next to Marianne. He grabbed her hand and nodded at Even. Even tried nodding back. He failed. Terje didn't seem to mind.  
  
“When I was in here earlier, I sung for him.” Marianne suddenly said. Even looked at her. He doubted singing would help Isak. But maybe it helped Marianne.  
  
“What song?” he heard himself asking. He didn't really care, but he found it impossible to ignore Marianne. It had always been that way, since the first time he met her. He couldn't _not_ be nice to her. Maybe she reminded him a bit of his own mother. She was kind and caring and purely nice. She was just sick on top of that. He knew how it felt like to be sick, to have everyone judge you. So he never judged her. And he helped Isak see this too, helped him stop judging her too.  
  
“Depth over distance.”  
  
“That’s a nice song.”  
  
“You’ve heard it before?”  
  
“Isak listens too it often. _Listened,_ I mean _._ He said it reminded him of you.”  
  
“Yeah. I like Ben Howard. He often sung me that song when he visited.”  
  
“It’s nice.”  
  
“Mind if I sing it now?”  
  
“Not at all.”  
  
And with that their tiny moment of conversation, the tiny moment when Even felt like his world wasn't sinking, was over. He begun crying again, thinking ‘Please, please don’t die Isak’, as she begun singing.  


  
  
_“Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on“_  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Depth Over Distance, Ben Howard
> 
> \- Keep Your Head Up, Ben Howard


	10. Chapter 10

APRIL 2019  
  
It had been a whole year. On this day, exactly a year ago, Even had been laying next to Isak in that hospital bed, listening to the sound of the heart monitor beeping and Marianne’s broken voice singing softly. He could still hear it in his head when he closed his eyes. Her voice singing and the heart monitor beeping harshly. Reminding them the seconds ticked away, that time was running out.  
  
_Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on  
  
  
_ He had never felt pain more strongly than in that moment. It had filled his whole body and soul, shattering him in a million pieces, making him feel like there was nothing else left of him. It was only pain. _  
_  
Some nights, he still woke up from nightmares, feeling like he was back there, on that bed, feeling like that. He woke up drenched in sweat and screaming in pain. It was the only thing he could do when the pain was at it’s worst. Scream. Jonas had taught him that, to run and to scream. It lessened the pain somehow. _  
  
————-_

(JULY 2018)  
  
“How are you feeling today Even?” His therapist asked.  
  
Even shrugged slowly. “Much like yesterday. It still hurts so bad I can't even sleep. I can’t move, sometimes I can’t think.”  
  
“I know it’s hard. But it will get better, time-“  
  
“What? Time heals all wounds?! That’s bullshit.”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“Haven’t you heard the rest of that quote?”  
  
“Maybe. Remind me.”  
  
“It goes like this; “It has been said, ‘Time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.””  
  
“I partly agree with you Even.”  
  
Even raised his eyebrows at her, not knowing how to respond. She rarely agreed with any of his thoughts. He wasn't here to have someone agree with his crazy, he often had to remind himself when he got frustrated with her. He was here to get help. Help to see things from a different perspective.  
  
She nodded slowly and continued. “Part of this pain will follow you forever. The memories will never disappear. But you can chose whether you let them be just that - memories - or if you let them control your life.”  
  
“It’s been less than two months.”  
  
“I know that Even.”  
  
“It’s been less than two months since I was in that hospital and-“ his voice broke.  
  
“I know. But you survived that. And more time will lessen the pain. Just give it more time.”  
  
——————  
  
APRIL 2019  
  
Standing there, in the cemetery where they held that pre-funeral for Isak, where everyone said nice things and held each other and cried, he felt his legs cave under him. So he let them, and sat down on the grass. It was a warm and sunny spring morning. Just like it had been a year ago. Even focused on breathing, trying to calm himself down.  
  
His therapist had been right about the pain lessening. Because it had. It wasn't constant any more. It came in waves. Sometimes the waves were quiet, small, barely noticeable. Other times they were tsunamis, ruining him with every beat.  
  
He often had to sit down and count things, mind his surroundings, take deep breaths. He had panic attacks often. And this fired up under his bipolar diagnose, making him have episodes with higher frequency now than before. He had even been admitted for five weeks last summer, drugged down so he could get some rest.  
  
  
—————-  
  
(DECEMBER 2018)  
  
“How are you today Even?”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Today is a good day. No panic attacks, and I slept the night.”  
  
“That is good.”  
  
“Yeah. I know.”  
  
“And I heard from your mother that you got yourself a dog?”  
  
“Yeah, his name is Buddy. He helps me calm down when I get panic attacks at night. It’s nice.”  
  
“That’s so good Even.”  
  
“Yeah.”

  
“I’m proud of you, you know that? It has been a hard year, but you pulled through. Most people wouldn't have made it, being bipolar and having to go through what you did.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“Our time is nearly up, are someone coming to get you?”  
  
“No. I actually have my own car now.”  
  
“You got your license?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“Even! That’s so good, congratulations!”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I’m impressed. And happy for you.”  
  
“Thank you. Life is good. At least today.”  
  
“Yes. That’s a good way to look at it. Enjoy the good days and survive the bad ones. And with time there will be more good ones and less bad ones.”  
  
“I know. See you next week?”  
  
When Even had left her office that day, he had felt a spark of hope.  
  
———————  
  
APRIL 2019  
  
Even let himself fall back in the grass. He looked up at the sky, and focused on how blue it was. Today was not a good day. It was a day filled with bad memories and sorrow and hurt and so much pain.  
  
He felt a body slump down next to him and glanced over to see who it was. Eva. Of course, she lived nearby. “I figured I would find you here today.” she stated simply.  
  
Even just nodded. “Today is a bad day.”  
  
“No sleep?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Where is Buddy?”  
  
“Home.”  
  
“Jonas is coming soon, he said you had offered us a ride?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“Cool.”  
  
The silence fell. He liked Eva, and they often talked both in person and on the phone. But today Even wasn't very talkative. It was a bad day.  
  
“Nice suit you're wearing by the way.”  
  
“Thanks. Your dress is nice.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
More silence. She laid back down on the grass as well. He looked quickly at her, before shifting his gaze from her and back to the sky. He liked the sky when it was blue. Blue was a happy colour.  
  
————————  
  
(FEBRUARY 2019)  
  
  
“The nightmares are still bothering you?”  
  
“Yeah. Buddy helps some, but yeah.”  
  
“These things take time.”  
  
“I know, but I just hate it so much. And it freaks everyone out when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.”  
  
“What are they usually about?”  
  
“Memories. Of the all the bad stuff. I can be something smaller, like when he first told me the news on that bench that January night, or it can be worse, like the night in the hospital. And everything in between.”  
  
She had been thinking for a while before she spoke again.  
  
“Not from any of the sessions we had here in March and April?”  
  
“No. Not really.”  
  
“Maybe you need to go back to the same places and try to make new memories there, turn the places into something happier perhaps?”  
  
“I-“ He wanted to say it was stupid and would never work. But she had been right about so many things, he owed it a try. “I can try.”  
  
  
————  
  
APRIL 2019  
  
  
“This place used to be a peaceful and beautiful place to hang out. Now I only remember that day we all came here for that pre-funeral thing for Isak. It makes me sad to lay here. I feel like I’m gonna cry. Why are we meeting here Even?”  
  
Jonas had walked over to them without them noticing him. Even startled at his voice, and sat up, looking at the younger boy. He tried to smile, but if must have looked like a grimace, since Jonas laughed weakly at it.  
  
“Because I need to work my way through all the bad memories. My therapist recommended it. Go to all the places I have bad memories in and try to make good ones there. She has this idea that it will make my nightmares disappear.” He sighed. “I’m not sure I believe it will work, but I agreed to try.”  
  
“Well, it’s worth a shot.” Jonas replied, before looking at his phone. “What time are we supposed to be there?”  
  
“Around 4pm I think.” Eva replied.  
  
“It’s 3.30pm.” Jonas said, showing them the phone.  
  
“Let’s go then.” Even said, getting up on his feet with a little help from Jonas.  
  
It was a little weird with them in the beginning, but after Jonas had told Even about the running and screaming thing, they had started to go for morning runs together a few times a week. They had become friends over the past year. It was nice. Even could see why Isak had been so smitten with Jonas. He was a genuinely nice guy.  
  
They walked over to Even’s car and got in. His parents had gotten it for him when he got his license. It made life so much easier, to be able to get around by himself. He loved the freedom it gave him.  
  
The ride was quicker than usual, with almost no traffic. They arrived outside the building and Even parked the car. As they got out and started walking to the entrance, he stopped and stared at the sign.  
  
Ullevål Hospital  
  
He couldn't do this. He felt his throat start closing up, his knees buckle. Just as he was about to fall down, he felt strong arms hold him up. Jonas and Magnus. He looked between them and managed to whisper a “thank you.”  
  
They both just smiled, and walked with him. “We can do this. You can do this Even. It will be fine.”  
  
They entered the waiting area, where they had been a year ago. Everyone else was there as well, except Isak’s parents. Even sat down next to Jonas, and put his head in his hands, concentration on his breathing. This was almost worse than waiting here the last time. Everyone was telling him it was going to be fine. He tried to believe them. But it was hard. Just as he debated leaving, a door flung open.  


 

  
“I AM STILL IN REMISSION BITCHES!!!”  


 

  
Even jumped out of his chair, and flung his arms around a laughing Isak.  
  
“Oh my god Isak!” He hugged his husband close, laughing happily, relief flowing through his body. “I love you so much.” he whispered into Isak’s ear, kissing his cheek softly.  
  
Isak giggled and put his arms around Even’s waist. “I love you too, Even Valtersen Næsheim.”  
  
———-  
  
The use of both their names had been Isak’s ide. Even wanted to switch out both of his for Valtersen. Isak wanted Valtersen Næsheim as it represented both their families. Lisa and Anders had cried at that. Even happily agreed. He agreed to everything Isak wanted. He was just so happy that Isak was alive.  
  
When Isak had finally been able to leave the hospital and go home, he had wanted to move back into the Bech Næsheim residence. So they did. All of them. Isak’s parents moved into the spare bedroom, and stayed there for the whole summer. The apartment was a little cramped, but everyone was happy just being together.

  
The recovery hadn't been easy for Isak. It was hard, getting back into a normal life. He had managed to finish school with Jonas help, his teachers giving him special treatment and passing him on goodwill. Getting the weight back has also been a challenge, but he had gotten there. They had actually just started working out together so that Isak could rebuild his strength.  
  
It hadn't been a easy road back for Even either. He had gone to therapy daily for a while, learning how to deal with the pain, the panic and the fear of Isak getting sick again.  
  
But he was in remission. He hadn't gotten sick again. He was going in for check-ups every other week and everything was good. Even had heard from Jonas that the frequency of the check-ups wasn't necessary and that Isak went that often for Even’s sake. Even appreciated it. It made him feel safer. And now he had been in remission for a whole year.  
  
They still had a long road ahead of them, but at least they were in this together. Their parents, all four of them, had given them a trip to the Maldives as a Christmas gift, saying it was time for their honeymoon. Isak couldn't agree more. Even had been a little stressed about leaving home, worried about Isak getting sick again or himself having an episode or something. He still had a lot of trouble, both with sleep and flashbacks. But Isak had promised that he felt fine, there were doctors on the resort and Isak would take care of Even like always, _could they please just go?  
_  
So Even had said yes. Of course he had said yes.  
  
  
————  
  
(JANUARY 2019)  
  
“You wanna go for a swim?” Even asked his husband. He still smiled just thinking that word. _Husband._  
  
Isak looked a little uncomfortable. He hadn't removed his shirt, and Even knew why. The scar from the kidney transplant hadn't healed very nicely. They actually had to keep Isak for two extra weeks in the hospital only because of the wound getting infected. Isak was still insecure about anyone seeing the ugly scar. “I can watch you?” Isak suggested.  
  
Even shook his head, grabbed Isak by the hips and lifted his eyebrows a little. He could feel Isak squirm. “Baby… Your scar is a part of you, just like mine is a part of me.” he lifted his arm at Isak. “It shows that you have fought cancer and won. I think that’s something to be proud of, right?”  
  
“Yeah. I just feel so…”  
  
“Alive?”  
  
“No, well yes… I don’t know!” Isak looked away for a bit, before shrugging quickly. “I just.. I never looked good before, I don’t have a body like yours, and I just…”  
  
“Excuse me, didn't look good? Have you ever owned a mirror? You were, and still are, beautiful.”  
  
“Even…”  
  
“Did I mention hot? Because you are, like, _crazy_ hot. So sexy.”  
  
“Stop it!” Isak laughed.  
  
“Will you please, _please_ come swimming with me Isak Valtersen Næsheim?” Even asked again, tickling Isak’s side softly.  
  
“I will.” Isak giggled, before slowly removing his t-shirt. Even kissed him slowly and lifted his hands from Isak’s hips and put them around his waist instead, pulling him closer.  
  
“I love you Isak.”  
  
“I love you too Even.”  
  
  
———————  
  
(APRIL 2018)  
  
  
_Hold on, wait until that lone sun_

_Breaks from the arms of the Lord_

_Hold on, though we may be too young_

_To know this ride we're on  
_

 

  
  
When Marianne stopped singing the hospital room was so quiet Even couldn't take it. The doctor had come in and told them he had to remove the tube, see if Isak could breathe on his own. So now they were just waiting. Waiting for that stupid heart monitor to tell them that Isak was gone. Waiting for everything to collapse. Waiting for oblivion.  
  
He moved a little, debating wether to get up and out for some fresh air, when he felt Isak stir next to him. “Isak?” he whispered and held his breath. “Isak baby.” he heard Marianne sob.  
  
Seconds felt like hours, but Isak opened his eyes. Bright green eyes met Even’s blue ones.  


“I knew you lied about forgetting your ID.” a raspy voice said.  
  
“What?” Of all the things to say when you woke up from the deathbed. Even couldn't believe his ears. Mostly he couldn't believe this was real. That Isak was speaking. And then he continued.  
  
“The first time I came home with you. I knew you were lying.”  
  
“Isak…” Even couldn't help but cry. And smile. He wanted to scream with joy. He settled for kissing Isak’s forehead softly.

  
“I love you Even Bech Næsheim. Til Kingdom Come.”  
  
“I love you too Isak Valtersen. Til Kingdom Come.”

  


**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own SKAM or any of the characters.


End file.
